“This can't be real,” Jonas said to himself. He started looking around, seeing if he could spot anyone looking at him or even some kids playing a trick. 

“Jonas, relax. I know you´re confused. This must feel crazy. Trust me, this is crazy for the both of us,” the elderly man said from the doorway. His soft voice continued, ¨I understand that you may not believe me when I tell you who I am but I have to tell you the truth.” 

Jonas stood at the top of the steps, staring at the familiar face and wondering where he had seen those eyes before. His palms were cold, filled with sweat. Jonas was nervous to keep looking at the old man. Jonas looked past him toward the back room.

The man gently turned around and gestured to Jonas to follow him. He walked up to the small grey door, swaying the dust away from the wooden panel. Jonas could see the markings against the wall that were once hidden behind the antique bookshelf. 

¨Do you remember this Jonas?¨ asked the man. ¨We would spend hours measuring Lily,¨ he continued as he traced his fingers over the date penciled in pink. ¨The last time we measured her height...¨ he began to smile.

¨We?” Jonas interrupted. ¨Who is we? And how do you know my daughter´s name?”

The old man straightened his beard and cleared his throat. Without looking at Jonas, he responded, ¨I already warned you that you were not going to believe me. Jonas, Lily is my daughter.¨

Jonas, frustrated with the old man, shoved him aside and called him a liar. He dashed to the door hoping to escape this nightmare. As he grabbed the antique gold knob, Jonas could hear the old man singing Hey Jude.

¨Hey Jude. Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and...¨ the lyrics rang in his head. It was the song Jonas sang to his daughter every night before tucking her in for bed. It was the same song Jonas was singing when the doorbell rang on December 24th, two years ago. He was wrapping Lily´s Christmas present before she and her mother, Christina, arrived home. They had left early that morning to run errands and finish their shopping. The house smelled like pine needles and endless gingerbread cookies. 

An unexpected smile crept up on Jonas´s face. He tried to shake off the smile and erase the memory from his mind.

The old man called out from the kitchen, ¨You can't erase the past. You´re a fool Jonas.¨ He hurried toward Jonas, singing louder. The words echoed in his ears, filling his brain with more memories. Jonas closed his eyes. Tears melted into his beard.

The song quickly ended and the doorbell loudly rang. Jonas´s footsteps, heavy with fear, dragged across the wrapping paper and colorful bows. Jonas opened the door, staring at the police officer in front of him, and screamed. 

Officer Johnson painfully shared the news, ¨I'm so sorry sir. There has been a terrible accident. You need to come with me.¨

Jonas couldn´t remember everything the officer had said or even the exact events of that day. He remembered seeing his wife lying in the hospital, the pale sheets covering the scars and dried blood, and her shattered voice fading as she cried, ¨I didn't see them coming...I did everything I could.¨ 

The dull buzz from the fluorescent lights battled the silence. Jonas stood beside Christina numb and frozen in time. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that Lily didn't make it. How could he tell his wife that their child was dead? That there would never be another Christmas morning for their sweet girl? That simply looking at her, and seeing their daughter’s face, drove a knife through his heart? 

Jonas felt dizzy. His head was spinning. Thoughts were racing in his mind, his palms were sweaty, and he could feel the floor disappearing beneath his feet. 

Jonas rushed out the door, not sure where he would go, but he knew he could never go back home.

“Is this what you want,” the elderly man interjected from the living room as Jonas kneeled in front of the grey door. 

Like an instinct, his finger’s reached to trace the lines on the wall. Jonas could remember every birthday morning, as he would position Lily - reminding her to stand up nice and tall. Lily loved to stretch on her tippy toes and project, “next year, I’ll be this tall”. Jonas smiled. Lily was a small girl for her age but she had big dreams. “One day, daddy, I’m going to be taller than you,” she would predict. Tears quickly filled his eyes. There was a paralyzing stillness in the air.

“You can spend the rest of your life, crying, and being angry at Christina,” the old man continued. With a gentleness that Jonas could remember, the man rested his fragile hand on his shoulder. “Jonas, it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t see the car. Christina lost a child too,” his voice trailed off, “She needs you”.

Jonas’s body, heavy with grief, collapsed on the ground. His sobs echoed across the house as memories danced across his mind. The first day they brought Lily home from the hospital. She was so tiny. Her little body looked as if it was floating in her clothes. They had spent hours just staring at her, watching the movements of her face, and memorizing how her whole hand would wrap around Jonas’s one finger. Sunday mornings were filled with ballerina tutus and pancakes. Happy Birthdays and first days of school pictures raced in front of Jonas. He could see Lily running toward him as she scored her first goal in soccer. Lily ran completely off the field and had jumped into Jonas’s arms. He could hear Lily shout in his ear, “I did it Daddy!”

Jonas heartbroken, argued, “I want her back. This isn’t fair”. He could barely speak. He gasped for air, weeping between sentences, and banging his fists against the wooden floor.  “She was just a child,” he cried, “she was my..baby...my baby”. Jonas’s voice trailed off with the tenderness of his pain. 

The edlerly man knelt beside Jonas, pulled him into his chest, and stroked his head. “Jonas, if you walk away - you will destroy your life and Christina’s. The abandoned house you walked into is yours,” he continued. 

Jonas quickly argued, “That wasn’t my house. It can’t be my house. Our home was beautiful and full of life”.

“But if you can’t forgive Christina, it will ruin your marriage and your house will never be a home again,” he explained. 

“Look at me Jonas,” the old man said, “this is what will become of you”. Jonas slowly met his eyes as the man continued, “You will carry a darkness in your heart that will never let you enjoy another sunrise or sunset. You will abandon your home and your life. Or you can forgive Christina and make Lily proud. Live Jonas...live”.

As he stood up, still hovering over Jonas, the elderly man whispered, “You don’t have to carry the world on your shoulders - alone”.

“Sir. Sir, are you okay?” a hospital nurse interrupted Jonas. He looked around, searching for the small grey door of his house, touched his face searching for a beard, and staring down the long hallway for the old man. The house was gone, his face covered with a small stubble, and the old man nowhere in sight. Jonas was back in the hospital, standing near the nurses’ desk, and listening to the fluorescent lights buzz again.

“Sir, can we help you?” a second nurse asked. “Your wife is asking for you. She is with the officer,” the nurse cautiously approached him.

Jonas, unable to move, stood in the hallway facing his grief, his fear, and himself.

Jonas could feel his heart pounding against his chest. His thoughts raced in his mind. He could barely catch his breath. 

“Sir, are you okay?” the nurse asked as she approached him. 

She placed her hand on Jonas’s shoulder. His body was tense, filled with worry and disbelief. The nurse knelt beside him, leaning her back against the wall. Her feet ached after a twelve-hour shift but she was unable to walk away from Jonas. She was too familiar with his pain. Her son was five years old when he lost his battle to leukemia. 

“Sir, I know this feels like a nightmare. You’re trying to wake up but you can’t” she continued. “No one prepares you to say goodbye to your child,” she looked to the ground, “it's unimaginable”.

Jonas sat on the cold floor, staring at the perfect grey squares. He could hear the nurse talking to him but he couldn’t respond. His body was numb, the tears kept rolling down his face, and the noise in the hospital distracted his thoughts. 

In the distance, Jonas could hear the nurse say, “The only thing that helped me when my son died was to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Jonas questioned. “I don’t want to say goodbye to Lily. I don’t want to talk to you or anyone,” he explained. 

Jonas stood up quickly as if he were going to leave. The nurse grabbed his wrist and stopped him from turning the corner. 

“You could pretend that this isn’t happening. You could walk away, far away” she commented. “Then what?” the nurse positioned herself in front of his face. “Who are you going to blame tomorrow? What will you avoid the next day? What will become of you after this moment?” she gently asked him.

Jonas, paralzed by the questions, stood in silence. In that moment he heard the old man warning what would become of Jonas’s life if he walked away.

“She lost a child too” lingered in his mind.

In complete abandonment, Jonas wept. The tears were heavy, streaming down his face. The hollow sounds of his cry shattered the silence in the hallway. With compassion, the nurse draped her arms around Jonas’s body. 

Softy she whispered, “it’s okay...you can cry.”

“Can I see Lily?” Jonas peered up at the nurse. Her hesitation pushed Jonas to plead, “Please. I need to see her. I need to see my sweet little girl.”

The nurse gently took Jonas by the hand and led him down the yellow hallway. They walked for about five minutes without speaking. It was understood. The grief was thick and the air was still. She knew that even though it was going to break Jonas, it was needed. He had to say goodbye.

“Are you sure” she asked Jonas with a tender look on her face. “This will be the hardest moment in your life,” she explained. Without waiting for his response, she opened the door.

It was a small room with a narrow bed in the center. The lights were off and the windows closed. There was a chill in the air. Jonas could feel the hairs on his arms rise. There was a soft pulse beating in his ears. He listened closely and hesitated to move. Jonas’s eyes were fixed on the wheels of the bed. He was afraid to move his eye up the steel frame.

Lily’s body was under the white sheet. The nurse urged Jonas to step inside.

“Take as much time as you need,” she continued, “I’ll wait outside for you.”

The door shut. Jonas cautiously walked up to the bed. His hand slowly grazed the sheet. The fragile silhouette of Lily’s body could be seen. Jonas placed his fingers around the edge and began to pull the sheet back. Brown strands of hair peeked out from the corner of the pillow. There were small traces of dried blood on her purple headband. Lily wore this headband everyday. It helped tame her wild curls from consuming her face. By the end of the evening, a dozen or so curls had always managed to escape the headband and found its way into a mess.

Jonas smiled remembering the times he would tuck Lily’s hair behind her ears. “There’s nothing about you that can be tamed,” he would joke with his daughter. “You’re my little lion,” he would explain.

Jonas managed to pull the sheet down past her chest and stared at his little girl. The wounds were raw, her flesh bruised, and trails of her pain marked on her face. Jonas was not prepared to see Lily like this. He wanted to believe that it had happened quickly and that Lily didn’t suffer but her body told a different story. 

“I’m so sorry Lily,” Jonas began. “I wish this happened to me...it should have been me,” he wept. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t protect you,” he continued as he reached for her limp hand. Her fingers were tiny like the day she came home. There was no motion in her body. Her fingers felt heavy in his palm.

“What am I going to do without you little lion?” he sobbed into her hand. “I don’t know how to live without you,” his voice was weak.

The sound of the fluorescent lights ringing above Jonas marked the endless pain in his heart. He held Lily’s hand tighter, closed his eyes, and imagined her laughing at his attempts to sing The Beatles.

“Nice try dad,” she would say with a smirk, “at least, you're good at math.”

Knowing that he had to comfort Lily, Jonas picked himself up and with all of his strength he turned to Lily.

“It’s okay Lily. Don’t worry about me or your mom. I got this,” he explained. “I’ll take care of your mom..” he paused, “we’ll be okay.”

Jonas leaned over Lily’s head and placed a kiss on her forehead.

“Sweet dreams my little lion” he said before beginning to sing, “Hey Jude…”

Jonas tried to muster a smile as he came out of Lily’s room. The nurse was waiting for him. There was a tender look in her eyes. She smiled at him. It was a soft, compassionate smile. It wasn’t a smile of celebration or excitement. The smile was quiet and humble. 

“Were you able to say what you wanted?” she questioned Jonas as he closed the door behind him. His shoulders shrugged upward as he rubbed his forehead. 

“I tried to comfort Lily,” he started “but I feel like all I did was tell her that I can’t live without her.”

“Lily? Is that your daughter’s name?” the nurse interrupted. “My name is Lilia but everyone calls me Lily,” she continued, “I know we don’t really know each other sir, but there has to be a reason that our paths crossed”.

Jonas turned to the nurse, tears in his eyes, “You’re going to think I’m crazy but...I’m pretty sure that it was no accident that our paths crossed.”

“I’m sorry?” the nurse looked confused.

Jonas, with a newfound sense of courage and comfort, shared, “I feel like my daughter has been sending me messages all day”. He laughed a little. “You didn’t have a chance to meet Lily but she always had something to say and she was almost always right,” he added. 

The nurse chuckled thinking of her own son, “my little guy would have gotten along perfectly with your daughter.” There was an odd moment of silence and comfort as they both remembered their dead children. 

 Jonas glanced over, before he could say anything else, a sudden realization hit him. Christina was still in her room with no clue about Lily. He quickly rushed forward, “I need to tell my wife”. There was a hesitation in his voice, “she doesn’t know about Lily...she doesn’t know that she,” Jonas could bring himself to finish the sentence.

“Sir, the doctor already spoke with your wife...that’s why she was asking for you,” the nurse tried to direct Jonas but he was already halfway down the hall. 

Jonas scanned every door looking for his wife’s room. There was an urgency in his steps and a sadness in his eyes as he stared past opened doors. He came across “Christina Geler”  written in black ink on the patient file outside of room 8. The door was closed shut. Jonas was nervous with his mind stumbling with words. He never could have imagined this moment and there were no words that could ease their pain.

Before he opened the door, the nurse out of breath reached out to Jonas, “This is for you.” He looked down at the white plastic bag, wondering what could be inside. 

“These are Lily’s belongings. I thought you would need this,” she said before walking away.

Jonas cupped the small bag into his arms, “Thank you...for everything. My daughter would have really liked you.”

She smiled, put her hand on his shoulder and slowly made her way toward the elevator.

Jonas slowly opened the door, found Christina sleeping in the room, and quietly placed Lily’s bag on the bed. Christina’s head was resting toward the window and the light was shining on her. It was peaceful and it reminded Jonas of the day Lily was born. The day Christina gave birth, Jonas had stood in front of both girls as they slept, staring in amazement, as a new dad and in awe of his wife. He sat down slowly on the bed, taking Christina’s hand into his. Her eyes glistened with tears as she spoke, “Jonas…”.

There was silence. “I know...I know,” he repeated. Jonas crawled into bed and took Christina into his arms. She rested her head on his chest. He draped his arms around her back, feeling her breath rise and fall as they both wept.

They cried without speaking for hours. Their tears rolling into each other, motionlessly they become one. Jonas could feel Christina’s breath slow down as sleep tempted them to rest.  

Jonas placed a soft kiss on her head, “It’s not your fault Chrissy. I won’t let you carry the world on your shoulders...alone”. They sweetly fell asleep humming “Hey Jude”. 

Two years had passed since Lily’s death. The brave oat tree in the front yard still danced in the wind and filled the yard with leaves. Jonas looked up at the bare branches reminding him that Christmas would soon be here. It was a bitter sweet emotion. The night they had come home from the hospital, they walked into a Christmas morning that never happened. The gifts were still under the tree, candy-cane striped wrapping paper on the ground, and glittery bows scattered across the wooden floor. It had taken them a few weeks before they could even bring themselves to clean the mess or move the presents. 

“We just have to do this Jonas,” Christina explained. “It’s part of the healing,” she continued, “and everyday it will just get harder if we don’t do this”.  

They robotically took down the decorations and put away the Christmas tree. Christina had suggested keeping Lily’s gifts in the attic. Neither of them were ready to let go of her things.

Jonas moved the boxes into the corner of the living room, making it easier to carry up the stairs. As he took the last gift, Jonas saw the corner of a pink envelope peeking out from underneath the box. The edges of the envelope were slightly tattered and worn by time and pine needles. Jonas, taken aback by the haunting image, gasped for breath. His hands trembled as he grabbed the fragile letter. It had tiny purple butterflies drawn on the back of the envelope with hints of hints of sparkling glitter. Everything suggested that Lily had left this for them.

Jonas took another deep breath and dragged his finger across the seal. The letter read:

Dear Daddy, 

Merry Crissmas! I wanted to do someting specal for you cause you are the best daddy ever. I no dis is yor favorit song... 

Hey Jude, don't make it bad

Take a sad song and make it better

Remember to let her into your heart

Then you can start to make it better...

Tat’s all I learned so far. Im going to sing the hole song for you - one day.

Little Lion - Lily

For months, Jonas carried the letter in his wallet. He would read it when he thought of Lily or the pain was too much to bear. Her words brought him comfort just thinking of her singing the song from wherever she was. Christina had suggested that they frame the letter but Jonas held onto it until he noticed the ink starting to fade. 

“I think it’s time to save this,” Jonas gestured to his wife. He handed it to her slowly and sang out loud, “Remember to let her into your heart”. Christina with a tear trailing down her check responded, “Then you can start to make it better…”.

Christina and Jonas finished singing the song with joy and laughter. He pulled her into her arms and they swirled around the kitchen. In his mind, Jonas remembered how he had promised Lily that he would take care of Christina and that they would be okay. In that moment, their home was joyful as if Lily had never left.  

Christmases were always hard but there were days that were less painful and easier to move forward. It was Lily’s letter, the elderly old man’s warning, and the nurse’s compassion that helped Jonas keep his promise. He didn’t think he could have lived without her but with time he had realized how lucky he was to have had Lily at all. Life would never be the same but it would continue.

Jonas raked the leaves into a pile, smelling the pumpkin pie Christina had baked. He took a second to swing from the old tire and admire their house. It still was a home filled with love and life. The past summer, Jonas had repainted the house a cobalt blue. It was a bold blue that reflected the sky and reminded him that Lily would always be home. 

“Jonas,” Christina called out from the house, “the pie is ready”. He closed his eyes, remembering Lily playing in the front yard. 

“I’ll be right in,” he shouted back.