My life...take one.  I could tell you why my life isn’t how i want it to be or i can be real with myself and tell the damn truth.  Your presence in this world has a meaning.  It may not seem like it but it does.  That was found off the internet, and I do not fancy that.  You just have to take life one step at a time.  That statement was probably a sad person trying to cheer their self up...and failing miserably. Life sucks, lets just get that out of the way.  I have evidence that can back up my reasoning.  First, when you dad leaves your family days after you are born, you don’t have a complete family.  Of course he gave up his parental rights and paid his child support, like a civil person would, but it wasn’t the same.  I had to move from apartment to apartment for months at time with my single mother who worked at my school just so we could afford someone to watch me.  It was really rough for 3 years, growing up without a father figure, seeing other girls with dads that cared for them and told them they loved them to the moon and back.  I wanted that.  I did have that, only because my biological father was allowed to see me when he was stationed in Omaha, NE at an Army base...it wasn’t the same.  I see him and my “stepmom” (legal problems) whenever I would like to, but only on the weekends.  Then, in the middle of 2003, my mom had a boyfriend, Boyfriend Chris as we called him.  I was accepting of him, mainly because he fit the fatherly role that  I wished I could have had.  We also had many things in common as in playing dolls, sports, and eating veggie/hamburgers.  Months later, he became my stepdad.  And when i was 5 1/2, he became my adopted dad.  Life seemed good for me at the time.  But all hell was about to break lose when I was told that my mother was pregnant; and then again for the second time.

Now we get to the heart tugging part.  I was diagnosed with Depression on January 25, 2014.  I was sent to a child’s psychiatric center called Marillac for self harm.  It was only two cuts that didn’t go deep enough to gush blood, but both of them were large.  To this day, I can still draw the scars in the exact placement.  I was put on anti-depressants and I hate them with a passion.  The drugs are supposed to keep my “lows from being too low”, but somedays they get rid of the highs also.  I went off of the medicine by my own volition twice and i regret that a lot more than I could ever tell anyone.  I was always not feeling how a normal person should.  The dictionary defines normal as “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected”, but who’s standard are they referring to?  My standard of normal is not having any problems, but everyone has problems in their lives.  I have anxiety and OCD and severe panic attacks added to my list of problematic events in my life.  That reminds me...I have to go to therapy.  Therapy is nice because you get to talk to someone who is on “your side” and only wants you to get better and not have to go to therapy, even though they get paid $100+ per hour you see them.  But therapy is also not a good place to be.  I usually go there on Fridays with my dad because he is the only one who can take me.  We go for 45 minutes and I head back to school.  It doesn’t sound as bad, but it is.  I could end up in trouble for not taking my medicine or we might have family therapy that week, which usually doesn’t go the best.  At first, therapy was awkward and now,m my therapist can tell how I am when I walk in. 
People started catching on that I wasn’t feeling like myself.  I haven’t felt myself since I turned 9 or 10.  Everyone hated me and I started to hate myself.  I’ve starved myself for days at a time, but I could never do it.  I got too hungry and my family and friends started noticing. 
No one had an answer for me to understand.  My life had been twisted and turned so much that it is impossible to take any steps back in the right direction and fix my mistakes.  For right now, the only steps I can take are forward...PATHETIC.  I understand that I cannot change the past, but why would I want to? (I know I am contradicting myself here, but I’m sitting in class and it is all I can think of)  I wouldn’t want to change the past because my life could end up worse, I could have killed myself.  I have tried, and obviously, not succeeded.  I’ve over dosed and under dosed, attempted to bleed to death, starvation, and drowning.  Nothing has worked because I don’t have the will power to kill myself.  I do want to live, and I do want to get better and stop taking my anti-depressants because I do not enjoy taking them, but no one likes taking medicine.    I have encountered a possible new problem in my life.  I could very well possibly have borderline personality disorder.  The symptoms include intense fear of being alone, cannot tolerate being alone (Not really true, due to depression), frequent fears of emptiness and boredom, impulsiveness, and repeated crises and self-harm (cutting).  I have most of those feelings and I understand that this is a serious matter, but it isn’t like I can tell my parents this right now because they won’t let me do anything because they think I cannot “keep myself safe.”  Which is partially true but the reasoning behind it is different than most would think.  My reasoning is because I have dealt with this for so long, I feel like giving up and letting go.  This needs to be put to an end, but we know that it can never be fully terminated, just set aside in our daily lives. 
This next statement was brought up the other night with Therapist Vinnie.  He said that he is mad at the world.  Because life isn’t fair, meaning that throughout most of his day, he has little to worry about while people struggle getting up due to daily hassles that they have to encounter.
So, I have realized something today.  I am just stressing over people that I do not even like nor care if they are in my group, so I just told myself that I am focusing on what is really important.  It made me proud of myself to be able to talk it out and really think about what needs to happen for homecoming night to be amazing.    
So, I have started getting back on the medicine train, and I am not liking it very much at all.  I was supposed to be getting off of it, but no, Hold up.  Will asked me last night what it felt like to cut, and whenever I hear anything or see that kind of stuff, it makes me want to cut myself because I feel so weak on the inside.

Demons.  I can hear them.  They are telling me to kill it or kill myself.  Why?  That is what I do not understand.  They are all around me.  Overtaking me.  Closer and Closer.  I can feel them.  Someone is trying to reach me, but it is too late.  The running through my body.  The shaking.  Its them.  I will not survive.  The impending doom haunts me.  The blood runs down my face and they are getting louder.  The breathing down my neck sends chills down my back.  The agonizing pain, sits still in your eyes.  Burning is all that you can feel, yet you are so cold and lifeless.  They have me in a tightened grasp around my neck with chilly hands.  It’s so hard to breathe because of the limited space they allow me to have.  Taking me under.  I’m gone.  I do not even get a goodbye.  That is what my anxiety attack felt like.  Someone grabbing you, unexpectedly.  What can you do?  Nothing, you can’t control it without help.  If another person reaches out to you, they can calm you down, but not without struggle. 
How are we all compared to gems when we let white lies slip through our lips on the hour?  The world is living on lives from anyone who has something to say.  Why can’t we just tell the truth?  Maybe it is because we believe that the truth will be painful...or that the truth is irrelevant.  Whatever the reason being, it is unacceptable.   The truth is there for a reason, for us to tell it.  People can be damaged or killed in the process if truth is not provided.  The emotional toll is worse.  Physical pain can always be healed with a doctor visit or medicine, but emotional toll has no time frame.   A depressive state can send you into decades of unhappiness and a feeling of worthlessness throughout your body, mainly focusing on the mind itself. 
I feel like I am going to break.  All the months of learning how to cope in therapy haven’t exactly done anything when you are in the heat of the moment.  I want to let someone know, but what do they care.  I am only one person.  No one will miss me.  It is really sad to think that I still have these thoughts.  I thought I was doing so much better than this.  I am better than this, but I can’t stop it.  I feel the adrenaline rushing throughout my body.  I can hear them.  I may not be here much longer.  It is getting to me.  I quit.  I give in.  I’m done.  Bye. 
I know what is going to happen, and it is a vicious cycle.  The signs.  The symptoms.  All here and they are coming up fast.  And this time, I’m not going to top it, because I am sick and tired of feeling this way.  I want to stop it, but I know now that I want something different.  I want to go head on against it because letting it go, just hasn’t worked at all.  I’ve put it aside and let it bother me too long.  I’m done.  I’m not sorry for anyone that I will hurt because most of them have hurt me.  We are even now.  I have a date set.  Not sure what will happen on that date, but anything within reach of the stars.  Suicide sounds nice at this moment in time.  And I wouldn’t have any regrets of it.
Change of plans for Miss Annalise.  My date has to be reset because of a doctors appointment on Tuesday.  Last time I went to the doctor, they ratted me out...so those people are not exactly my favorite. 
I don’t even know why I do this.  Go back and forth on my death date.  It is so stupid when I realize what I want,  but I cannot help it, I get so mad at the world that I think it would be better without me.
I finally did it, and I knew what I was doing this time.  I don’t know what came over me, but this day has been awful.   I got called a slut by my own mother, I forgot my medicine, knew about it and didn’t take it, and now this.  All I can say is that I am so much more disappointed at myself than any other time.  What am I going to do now.  Zeri told me that she would be devastated if I did something to myself, and what did I do, devastated her.  And the sad thing is...she doesn’t know about it yet.  The most disgusting part of it is that I like them.  The look.  The feel.  I like it, even though it makes me sad that I had been doing so well.  I’m so mad at myself.  I f*ing knew what I was doing and I didn’t stop myself.  Preplanned and everything.  What the hell have I come to?  I need help badly.   Looks like jackets are in my future..
I don’t even know what I was thinking.  Oh right, I wasn’t.  If anyone finds out about this then I am dead.  And now I can hear things, great!  They’re glad I’m back.  Well hell, I’m not.  I want my life back.
I screwed up big time.  I tried to keep it a secret and protect this person and I, but that sucks now because  I need help and no one knows what to do.  I know this is going to lead to cutting and then more therapy...GREAT.   
I want to die.  I know I say that a lot and nothing ever happens, but right now, I want to go to sleep and not wake up ever.  My family will find me in the morning not breathing.  Cold.  Lifeless.  The scars on my arms reflect my emotions and reactions lately.  They hurt so bad and the worst thing is that I literally went looking for more razors because mine weren’t sharp enough to cut through my skin.  I deliberately went out of the way to harm myself and I certainly do not feel bad about it.  The pain will go away and my arms will heal.  But, I like the look of the scars on my arms, and once they start to heal, they will feel good to touch.  People might say that I am crazy for thinking these thoughts and actually going through with them, but I do not.  I need help and no one understands that.  I want to be put back in a hospital because I feel that it is the only option for me to fully get a grasp on my life again.  I have lost all control.  I actually hear sirens and I wish that they would come and take me away and just give me a few years to think about everything.  I keep  all of my s*** hidden and it is just toppling over on top of me.  And then I have the days when I am just buried underneath everything and all I can do is attempt to get out of it, but I end up wounded or injured badly.  I know that the real Annalise has been left behind somewhere, maybe a few years back or she was never existent, just covered up by fake realities.
So...I am back to square one.  I knew that once I started cutting again, that I couldn’t stop by myself, because I need real help, but at this time that help is not available without consequences.  I could lose the chance to go to homecoming or not be able to go on my date with Vinnie and Will.  But, because of the choices I have made, I do not have control over what happens next.  So yeah...The future is kinda oblivious now for me.
I just feel like balling right, I can feel that something bad is going to happen.  I have been cutting so much lately and I just get upset over stupid things.  I hate that.  I just haven’t felt in control and the only thing that I can be in control of is the slits I make on my wrist.  
Dear lord, I just broke down so hard last night in front of Will and he hates it when I cry, but it is so hard not to because of the story that he told me.  So last night he explained to me that he had almost hanged himself... I heard that and I lost it.  Everything in my body that helps me stay strong just died inside of me.  “I hate this generation,” said Will.  Yes, I agree completely.  No one in the generation goes about their day without continually thinking about the issues, or worse, demons that they have to fight everyday.  Not everyone seems to realize what has happened to them.  They just let it go on by.  When I was at Marillac yesterday, I saw this girl and her possible mom walking into the front doors and she did not seem excited what so ever.  And I just think that is so unfair that the kids have to battle monsters that they don’t even understand, I know what they are, but they do not and just want to get better.  It is a reasonable wish to have, but to tell someone that and be afraid that they will think you are crazy is torture because you are supposed to trust people, but if they think you are lying, what is the point?  Nothing.  Nothing at all. 
Tonight has not been very good.  I feel like I am drowning but I can see everyone breathing around me.  They are making fun of me, and mimicking me.  It is not a fun feeling.  It never has been for me because it feels like life doesn’t need you around anymore and if you ended it, no one would care at all.  I look at pictures on the internet of people cutting themselves and it just makes me want to cut again.  I hadn’t cut for two months after I got out of Marillac, but I started cutting because I watched Cyberbully, the movie and it made me feel so awful that people go through that and no one knows about it.  But the really “emo” kids get judged and labeled as the suicidal ones.  Everyone thought I was happy with my life, but that was certainly not the case, and I feel like it is not okay at this moment in time.  I have so much to worry about and I feel that I should just focus on me, but that doesn’t help me much either.  The problem with me is that if I could hurt myself without hurting other people, I would do that in a heartbeat.  When little kids ask me it kills me to answer with, “its from my cat.” I do not have a cat.  My one cat died of starvation, and the other, I found her dead Friday morning before school.  So I get that it is wrong to lie to little kids, but they all do not know what some people have to go through on a daily basis. 
Cutting is a bad problem that I have.  I wish that it was as easy to quit as it was to start.  Only certain people know that I do this, and all they want to do is get mad at me, but they do not.  They just wait for another time to be mad.  It bothers them constantly, but they don’t tell me this because of an unknown reason.  My mind started out as a mess, the razor looked intriguing, so I took interest in it, and have not stopped since that very day.  Cutting is how some let go of things they can not deal with emotionally and it is much easier to understand the physical pain.  It is my escape from everything.  I do have coping mechanisms, but they don’t work anymore, they just let the issue linger on continuously.  My secret weapon, pencil sharpeners and a tiny screwdriver.  So easy, and no one suspects a thing.  The thing is that most do not get is why I cut.  I cut to stay alive, not to try to kill myself.  I have done that, it does not work because I am not strong-willed.  And when they fade, I feel lost without them.  They make me who I am.  I only like the pain because I feel that I deserve it.  But the worst part is when it hurts the most because someone else has caught on to your pain, or witnessed you actually harming yourself.  That is when it hurts the most, and you cannot stop cutting because punishment should be given out to yourself. 
Okay a little, slightly, possibly off topic here, but out of all of the bad things that I do to myself, I find good things to do somedays that help me feel better such as meditation.  Meditation is very easy to get into because you just follow along with what the instructor says and let the music take you under. 
I cut a lot yesterday, cut some today, feel like it is going to happen again, great for me.  No, scratch that, it will happen again.  Because the person that is supposed to love me, is holding me back.  I wish that I could tell them that, but that would not solve anything.  I just feel like s*** and everyone is much happier than I am and it is not f*ing fun at all.   God dammit, I just want to explode and scream at the world.  I want to die right now.  I literally felt like if I could just lay down and die right here or maybe on the floor, then everything would be better.  I could if I wanted to because with the five razors and the brand new knife set my parents bought.  I would choose to bleed to death and it would provide graphic evidence to those you should know what I felt like in my life.
Why can’t I cut without anyone knowing?  My life could be a lot easier, and I could lessen the damage I cause on other people.  My mental health has taken a decline from when I got home and started talking to people over text.  It is too much drama for me, and a person with anxiety does not need that in her life.  
I just realized something very important.  You can slide through life and not even notice that other people are struggling, and if you don’t at least try to help them; you can lose them right then and there.  Peoples feeling are fragile and playing with them and wasting them until nothing is left, is a horrible thing to do to them because it is not worth it.  One of my friends gave me her suicide note that just made me want to die on the inside while I am just sitting here in French 2 class.  Everyone needs help, but not everyone has a clue on how to help.  Just ask.  They will usually tell you what they need and if not, please let them know that you are always there for them because we do not need to lose another precious life to suicide because someone did not step up and say something.  And if you know of someone who is going to, tell someone!  It is not considered “tattle-tailing” it is serious s***.

Being in the middle is tough, and I am not talking about middle children or being the mediator of someone’s problem, I am talking about the middle of my life; that is tough.  The middle of my life consisting of when I was in about second grade to about sixth grade, so most of my elementary school days, I got bullied a lot and I didn’t cope well with it.  It all started in Mrs. Mack’s class when Natalie H and Lainie D told me that my dress was ugly and I just sat in class and cried, I remember that day like it was yesterday because it was the start of me becoming depressed.  No one knows that except me and whoever else reads this book, but unless I send it to a person, I do not think that many others will read this.  Let me think now, nothing exciting really happened in my life, it was usually just bad things that happened.   Will B made fun of me a lot and so did his friends, so that really sucked, but oh well.  I barely see them anymore so that is a good thing.  Personally I do not get the point of this chapter, but I thought I needed a middle part, but it wasn’t very detailed, which is okay but I just think that I need it here, so here it will stay.
Look, I am not going to make my book boring now, because ^ was.  So lets talk about something else.  Goodness, I have a great topic that many shall relate to.  When a girl says go ahead, that is not an okay.  That is a warning signal that should be flashing and blasting sirens, right in your face.  Just saying.  Sorry...little rant there.

The other night, I was talking to my friend John and I love that kid because he makes me think.  He made me inquire about what I think about myself.  I really had to think about my answer, mainly because I had so many things that I could say...but I started with the fact that I am proud of myself.  When have I ever said that?  Never.  I have never said to anyone, ever.  I usually put myself down and focus on the bad things in my life because that is absolutely all I can see somedays, and it sucks.  But to know that through all of it, I am still alive and breathing, makes me think that I must love myself in some way to want to keep living. 
*Note to all readers, I contradict myself way too much because of the different times of writing
So, today we had a guest author come into our school and talk about his book, Thirteen Reasons Why, and I just wanted to cry so much.  I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, but I just held it in because I didn’t want to make a scene in front of everyone at my school.  That would have been a disaster.
Really?  When you ask me how my day was, do you actually think I’m going to tell you the truth?  No, I’m not because you don’t really care and you just want to make pathetic small talk and I don’t want to participate in that.  My usual answer is fine because my day could be good or bad and it wouldn’t seem like it to you, but some people are smarter than I think they are and ask me if I’m lying.  “Noooooo...I’m not lying.  What?”  But seriously, really, is that necessary?  I personally don’t think so, but no one cares about my opinion or how my day went.  Just saying.
Okay, so my life has been an interesting mess lately.  I felt so depressed yesterday that I “forgot” to wait for Zeri and had to walk home by myself, even though she sent me a text asking me where I was and I just went on with my life because I wanted to get home and just die.  I’m in Columbia,MO and I am super excited because we are staying with our family friends for the weekend who we have not seen in at least a year.
Oh so last night, Devin was in my dream last night.  Not sure why, but he is adorable.  And he gave me his jacket and I really liked it because it was super warm.  
Two days ago, I went to the fall musical at my school (25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee) and let me tell you, if Joey hadn’t come with me, I would have left, it was terrible.  I mean, I enjoyed the actors, but the story itself was absolutely awful.  I would not go see it again.  But then again, I just enjoyed that Joey agreed to come with me :).  He made me very happy that night!

So, one thing that I haven’t mentioned before is about my relationships with people.  I have a lot of friends from soccer and school and just random people that I meet.
My soccer buds include Vinnie, he is my babe (platonically).  Maeve, is Vinnie’s girlfriend but they have issues.  Vinnie and I had this brilliant idea to go to worlds of fun, which was tons of fun.  We met up with his friends, Brayden, and Devin.  They are interesting but really funny.  I would absolutely not go on the Patriot, but I would go on the Prowler and I did.  That was such a rush!  I love some roller coasters.  Next, I went on the Timber Wolf, and that popped my back but it felt good, even though it shook a lot more than I wanted to.  Vinnie protected me from this guy that was trying to hit on me, and the next couple times that he came over, Zeri and Tommy helped out.  Vinnie is the best.
Zeri is my main.  She has always been there for me when I need anything, like if a guy is hitting on me that I do not like, she will annoy him with conversation. 
I have to interrupt Zeri, in which I do frequently, BUT VINNIE AND WILL BOTH ADMITTED THAT THEY LIKE ME AND I CANNOT DETERMINE WHICH I LIKE BETTER AND IF YOU CAN’T ALREADY TELL, I’M FREAKING OUT!  I mean I did like Vinnie, a lot, but he used to just be like oh I’m so glad that we are friends and now he tells me that he got depressed and that he has liked me for a loooooong time.  Which that just kills me on the inside.  I never knew what was bothering him since I couldn’t help him, but now I understand and I wish that I could have done last night all over again.  Vinnie has always been my friend and we just clicked instantaneously.  I mean, he helped me get over one of my greatest fears, roller coasters.  And when I met Will, I kinda liked him.  And I feel bad saying that, considering the fact that I have more feelings towards Vinnie, which makes this so much harder.  THIS IS NOT THE TWILIGHT LOVE TRIANGLE I WANTED.  Good god, this is awful.  I love them both, but I  treat them differently which I really don’t like because I should be treating them equal, but that is only going to make me feel better, and not even that much.  And the thing is, I don’t get why either of them would like me.  I’m so fucking messed up, barely any of me is left, the other parts of me are scattered around the universe waiting for me to pick up the pieces.  I really don’t want to compare and contrast them because that sounds like a bitchy move, but it might help me a little, so here is goes.  No, wait, this is stupid.  I just need to shut up because whatever I say, doesn’t come out right, ever.
Okay, I just want to be with no one and have my life back to the way it was before Friday, because Vinnie wasn’t upset and I would have never had these problems, but obviously, my wish is not going to come true.
So I f*ed up this so much and I just feel terrible, but the thing is that no one is mad at me which also makes me worried.  Then again Vinnie and I and Will and I have this all sorted out but not everyone together is fixed which really makes me nervous.  So I the boys and I are good, but not the boys themselves.  I am not sure how this will all work out with the game being tomorrow so I just hope that they can be civil at the game. 
Vinnie is doing well and I found out that I am Vinnie’s anchor.  That made me so happy :).
Thank the lord that we (Will, Vinnie, and I) all got this sorted out.  Group chat helped because it was getting way out of hand and I was getting pissed at Will for being so guilty about it.  I mean, I get it, I have the worst guilty conscience.  And last night, Will said that he wanted to kill himself and whenever he or anyone says that, it makes me want to cut.  I do not know why, but when I told him that, he snapped out of it because my problems were more important than his issues.  Apparently.  But I am just glad that he was not being serious about it because if he was, I do not know what I would do. 
Apparently, Will has something to tell me at 12 and I am freaking out, because it is about me and this is going to start a fight, I just know it, which is why he should and should not say it because he should know that I am going  to not be happy.
Okay, so does it ever make you upset that the person who tells you they loves you, when you say it back, they doubt you and tell you they are pissed off at you?  Well it does to me because come on.  I am already probably having a not so good night and for you to go to WOF without me and then be mad at me is not acceptable.

Love. It can be a smack in the face, or a boat ride down a river. The dictionary definition of love is an intense feeling of deep affection; but where does that lead you?...Exactly, no where good. Love is a passion for something or someone that you find necessary in your life because it makes you happy. That is my definition of love. My love for sports fits that because I have played sports for over ten years. Love doesn’t have to be you “taking a bullet” because you have a passion for, but if that was a choice that needed to be made, there wouldn’t need to be a choice. But honestly, how am I supposed to know about love? I am only 14, but I know how to read people and I can tell when they are in love or when they think they are in love (And usually, the second choice is the more realistic answer). But sometimes, there are two people who have set aside their problems to help the other and kiss each other with a passion and tell them “I will always love you” and that is the inevitable truth. Okay...that was kinda sappy, but that is what I want for my love story, just slightly tweaked.
My definition of love has changed over the last time I wrote. Love is hard. Difficult. Can involve sacrifices. Love is intense. The more you put into a relationship to show that you love a person shows not only about how you care about that person, but it shows what kind of a person you are. You can be kind or “cold-hearted.” brrr But more importantly, in love, you cannot give up on your identity. That changes everything. You might be so sweet around your lover and distant from everyone else...this is where the problems start to show through. This will be a pathetic cliché, but do not forget who you are. It is not worth it to give up yourself to someone who does not deserve you.


Love is when you can just feel the intensity between two people, not necessarily sexually, but when those two people look at each other, they know how the other is feeling and want to do anything for their lover because that makes them happiest. You just feel great being with them and they don’t have to automatically click with you, but they will eventually and always be there for you no matter what.