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the Alliance
May 14, 2014
Summary:
15 year old Ivy Laker has only ever known one way of life. the sectors, the officials and lots of rules. she is forced to take care of her father who is in deep depression after her mothers sudden death, as well as her sister unannounced illegal departure to another sector. when she is kidnapped from her sector she has to choose between going home or a new life, new friends and Ryan.
Sammantha H.
the Alliance
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This book has 12 comments.
SammHamilton BRONZE said...
on Jun. 6 2014 at 10:21 am
Thank you!! i will try to work out the problems, the 2nd chapter is not finished. i didnt know that you couldnt go back and edit and add to one chapter so i have to delete it type more then repost it.
TaylorWintry DIAMOND said...
on Jun. 5 2014 at 12:12 pm
Just so you know for future reference, I write my comments love so you can get a better feel of my opinion. So off we go. Prologue: (ch 1) Amazing descriptions here! The imagery is on the edge of perfect and the sentence structures are awesome. Overall really impressive. Just work on non-choppy sentences. (That's not much of a problem, but you can never do that overboard.) The last part was super chilling. Awesome. Ch 1: Wow, it's her mom. I didn't make that connection at all at first. Aww... Very interesting, the name thing. I like that idea. I feel like tranquility is kind of "the odd one out" with its name. I don't feel like farming is a suitable job, either. I think you're making ittoo obvious that you're trying to show us that sector. Like, it shouldn't seem so different from the other sectors. Just make sure your punctuation and grammar is correct in the dialogue. I know it doesn't seem important at the time when you write it, but it is. Trust me. Whoa, nice ending. I love the last sentence!! Ch 2: *fluorescent. Wow, I love the opening. Their conversation is really funny. The intensity in this situation is really realistic; my heart is practically beating as fast as hers. I like how you describe the way she meets the boy with the purple eyes... He seems really interesting and I can't want to hear more about him. Aww, how sweet. Overall, I really liked this! You do a really phenomenal job of portraying one of these societies. I tried it before, and let's just say my trash can was full that night. So nice job! This is respectable work.
SammHamilton BRONZE said...
on Jun. 4 2014 at 10:25 am
thankyou, i am starting to get that. haha i am writing another one but it isnt like this one. however i have a feeling it wont be out for a while because i am having some trouble finding time to do it and i keep having to switch flash drives. i would love it if you would check it out when i get it on here. im deciding on the name still. it going to be something like... the one who was totus. or the totus. im indecisive so it may be a while
ZealousHeart said...
on May. 30 2014 at 1:00 pm
I see that you're joining the bandwagon on distopian society books, which are always interesting. But, you should be warned that, once you've read one distopian society book, you've kind of read them all. They just all seem to follow this same pattern, this same formula. For example the beginning of this book sounds a lot like Divergent. Just make sure that you add a component to make the story more fresh. All in all it is pretty interesting. I would like to see where you take this. On a grammatical note though, I would like to tell you to look into some different techniques for starting a sentence. The pronoun/ verb combination is fine some of the times, but sentence variety really adds more depth and more maturity to your writing, and it also makes it easier to read because the flow is better. Good Job so far! Keep it up.
SammHamilton BRONZE said...
on May. 22 2014 at 8:08 am
thankyou so much! im writing more but it is taking a bit longer to do because i have to keep switching flash drives. but again thankyou!!
Intriguing, interesting, really pulls you in. Other than a few spelling mistakes, i really like it. Maybe a bit like a more sensible divergent book, because instead of personality sectors, it's jobs. Still really like it tho and other than that it's original and really great. want to find out what happens, write more! :)
SammHamilton BRONZE said...
on May. 16 2014 at 10:27 am
thank you so much for your imput. i will look into improving it. i am also writting another one that i will put on here soon. I am still working on some details though. but again thankyou very much!
It's good. Well-written, dramatic, and I think I can tell where it's going:) The only problem I have is in a few places, the dialogue is difficult to follow because you switch speakers in the same paragraph. Aside from that, though, this dystopian world is very well-thought-out, the idea is intriguing, and I'll be looking for more when it comes out:)
SammHamilton BRONZE said...
on May. 16 2014 at 8:18 am
Hi! thank you so very much if you have read the first chapter or so im still working on it but i seriously need some feedback please!! I'm always open to new ideas, and things that need to be revised so feedback please!!!!!!
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