Sitting with the empty ache crawling into the depths of my being. Settling within my deepest parts, the marrow of my bones, the unconscious of my psyche, and still it squeezes into me. folding amongst me like a perfectly placed hair, finding new spaces to inhabit, a new scab to pick, a new bruise to poke.it knows no end this ache for love and affection. It knows no boundaries, it has no morals. it is of its own being merely inhabiting the empty shell i call myself, pulling the strings on my heart like a puppet. Grief. Hangs on every note of every breath. Breathe. Bricks hang on each lung weighing them down causing them to collapse and still I breathe. Trying. But never fully getting every sweet bit of oxygen causing my voice to become nothing more than a harsh whisper and I start to shrivel and fold inside myself. Stars circle in each eye, dancing in the dark that creeps like a thief in the night along the edges of my vision. Hurt. So much hurt bleeds through every beat of whats left of this pitiful heart. Pain. So much pain laces every sad gasp as I try so hard to fill the shriveled withering masses of my lungs. Tears, So much tears fall from these eyes that look but no longer see. the image of you with her breaking me that much more. Broken. so much broken pieces shatter to the ground from this empty shell with the big empty doll eyes.

Yesterday was a place I'd play pretend and the game would never end, the possibilities were endless, limitless. Nothing could hold you down, there were only absolutes. no reason or logic no stupid rules only possibilities. Yesterday is forever and its never its anything and everything you make of it. that sounds mixed up, most people say today is endless, but its not. you know its gonna end and tomorrow isn't always there. you set your goals but you're always let down. with yesterday there is never an end to what could've happened, there's never an end to the "yesterday's" there was.

People scare me. there's too many variables, too many unknowns. I guess you could go on to say life scares me. But with life I have a cheat, I expect the absolute worst and unexpected, so when it happens I'm not weighed down with disappointment I just float. with people, there is no cheat. you get to know them and there's always that one person that gets past all the walls you put up around you and you start to think they're the exception to all your rules, because life is a game, and when you finally start to come around they do exactly what you expected but thought and hoped and prayed they wouldn't. Moral of the story, expectations are what will be the end of you.

when you're in it its the best, your feet never touch the ground, you're a balloon floating over everything and the only thing keeping you from being lost is the person holding the string to your heart.
when you've lost it its the best, its a drug and you're the addict. you start to think every maybe connection is the real thing and you start to give yourself to all those maybe connections and the let you fall without catching you taking the pieces of you with them and they make you watch while they throw you away.
when you're finding it its the best, you feel like it might really work this time, it might really be the real deal this time and you're scared and nervous you're apprehensive of being vulnerable again knowing you're nothing but the puppet and with one simple flick of their wrist you'll be tossed away just like before.
when you're in it its the best, because you've got something everyone else wants you've got the thing people kill for, the thing people tear families and countries apart for, the thing everyone searching for because its the closet thing to magic we have and its all yours.
when you've lost it its the best, because you knew from the start he was going to screw you over and now you don't have to deal with him breaking your heart with every fight because he cant grasp the fact you're breaking, broken, and he's the only thing keeping you together. he's the only reason you're still trying, he's your moon stars and galaxy and all you are to him is another notch on his belt of conquests.

You know better, those got you in trouble before but you cant help it the stress is boiling over you don't have it together nearly as much as everyone thinks and you're itching to let it all go to fall into the black abyss to give yourself back to the demons you tried so.freaking.hard to run away from but you're tired and you cant run much longer. habits are the things we always run back too. even when they kill us.

life is a game, some pretend to know all the rules to have it all together to be better than everyone else but there are no rules in love and war there is only those who can play the game better. there is only those who can cheat and lie and steal better and without getting caught and without any suspecting that they're as lowly as everyone else. there is only those who can preach love and have their finger on the trigger, there is only those who know that hope is for fools. life is a game.

I had a thumpthump
much like other little boys and girls
but I was scared
I got rid of mine

Scared of it getting torn apart like I saw all too many times
the tears forever burned and etched into my skin
I got rid of mine

I was scared of the power one held when they had control over other peoples thumpthump's
I got rid of mine.

A thumpthump should only beat, nothing more.
Just as a brain should only think, nothing more.
I got rid of mine.

I locked it away in my suitcase buried deep
Buried deep with all the unwanted
That's where I got rid of mine

I locked it away and threw away the key to the suit case that held all the unwanted
I got rid of mine and in its place I put a ticktock

A ticktock that does what its supposed to.
Only tick, tick and nothing more.

I might as well tell someone, and who better to tell than you. don't think me wrong i value your opinion and what you think of me i just cant be assed to care anymore if you think I'm messed up, because i am.i cant deny that anymore to you or myself. i am the way i am for a reason, you'll think I'm some stupid girl looking for attention but really I'm not telling you for attention or so you'll feel bad for me. I'm telling you so you know and will help me. i don't know how it started, like how i got it in my head that i needed to get all the demons out and the only way to do so was to starve them and bleed them out.i figured it out one day and then i looked down and i was like wtf ya know? like when you wake up the morning after and you've blacked out in the worst way and you're just like ohmyfeels what is life. that's how it was waking up. like your head finally breaches the surface after sitting at the bottom of the pool for so long you felt your lungs start to explode and you look around and decades have passed and only you know it because time let go of you, it didn't think you worthy anymore and hell, no one thinks you're worthy anymore. not even you.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned... whoever said that knew what it was like to have an ex come back and completely annihilate their life. how dare you get my hopes up like everyone else how dare you let me believe you were different how. freaking. dare. you. no worries though, I'm not "taking it to heart".

it never matters if you follow all the rules it never matters how good you are you slip up once and you're the worst daughter ever made in the history of ever
it never matters how much you bite your tongue to keep from fighting it never matters how much you go through to keep him happy; giving up the money you slaved to make and save for college, giving up time to try to make things right with your family, giving up the peace in your house fighting and arguing with your parents so you can go out and see him, it never mattes he'll never trust you or ever really love you because you're the worst girlfriend(now ex) ever made in the history of ever
it never matters how much you study or how hard you try, it never matters how many hours you devote and how many hours of sleep and texting your boyfriend and spending time with your family you give up, it never matters. one bombed test and you're the worst student ever made in the history of ever.
it never matters how hard you try to be a good person how hard you try to not go back to your old habits or how hard you try in general you'll never be good enough and it never matters because no one cares. you're just another statistic and it never matters who you were when you were alive or who you could've been. it never matters because now you've failed and you're the worst person ever made in the history of ever.

at first I pictured you getting run over by a car and seeing that stupid face of yours splattered across my windshield
at first I wanted to run to you and beg for you back
at first I couldn't do anything but stare blankly at our picture and hold your jackets close to me
at first I was scared that you never did love me that it was all a lie
at first I realized how stupid I was for emailing you afterwards trying to coax you into taking it back like you've done before
at first I pictured you having someone on the side and finally sealing the deal with her and cutting me off so you could be with someone better
at first You mattered. but really, you were just a distraction

Actions take time
things have to happen
Lists are written
Planning happens
Plans are Made
Plans are working
Plans are finished.

It's not because of having the last shreds of my heart ripped out and thrown aside like i never mattered
its not because i never got as much attention as I needed
its not because of of the attention
its not because of I'm depressed
its not because i can never seem to be skinny enough or pretty enough
its not because i can never seem to be "enough" for anyone or anything
its not because of any of that.

its because I'm too tired to try
its because I'm too tired to find reasons to try
its because I'm too tired of every reason i ever found TO try left
its because I'm too tired.

in a perfect world I'd get better
in a perfect world I'd get stronger
in a perfect world I'd find my soul mate and live happily ever after
in a perfect world I'd be normal
in a perfect world I'd have best friends who i could trust and hold on to forever
in a perfect world I'd have people i could always count on
in a perfect world I'd always get up no matter how many times I've fallen
in a perfect world I'd still be fighting
in a perfect world I'd be winning
in a perfect world i wouldn't have given up already.

in reality i'm not getting better
in reality i'm not getting in stronger, in fact the polar opposite
in reality i thought i found something but it wasnt real and now i'm some stupid ex sobbing over broken promises
in reality i'm as normal as the people that come up with horror movies and books, like wow they need some serious medication
in reality my best friends threw me away once they got boyfriends who were obviously way more worthy of their time
in reality i'm too scared to let anyone get close to me or stay around too long that i start to depend on them
in reality i'm too tired to bother getting back up again
in reality i've given up
in reality i was never winning
in reality i gave up years ago

i hope you don't think you're special. because you're not. its not because of you. it never was nor will it ever be because of you. I was sad at first, for like a minute, but then i got pissed. pissed because you got my hopes up. pissed because you did exactly what i thought you would but i was too stupid to do anything but swoon over all those sweet lies you fed me and i wished and prayed those lies wouldn't end because i depended on them to help me thought the day and maybe i was too needy but i told you that from the beginning. i told you that i had my problems and you said they didn't matter that you still loved me and that you would never leave and that you would different. i loathe you for that. for letting me believe you. but I'm over those stupid months i wasted on keeping the peace and dealing with your immaturity. I'm over it. I'm over you. i hope you don't think you're special. I'm only writing this so you know you have no right to feel sorry for yourself of put more importance on yourself than you actually have. because you're not special. I'm only writing this so you know. its not because of you.

I guess when you're at the edge of the cliff and all there's left to do is jump you have doubts.
Is it strange to have doubts?
I had it all planned out
Once it was planned and in motion, I lost the rage
I lost the anguish
I lost the hurt and the pain that fueled me for so long
I lost the hate filled tears that rushed down my face while I sat in my cocoon of pillows hiding from your harsh words floating in from the kitchen cutting me like knives with each disappointed sigh you tallied up my mistakes and I tallied up yours not realizing that it really was all my fault.
I lost the reason to keep hating you when really it was me I hated all along, because I just could never be enough for you no matter how I tried.
I lost the value and pride in my scars, feeling the calm wash over me as the drops of blood turned the cold white surface pink in its morbid trail down the battle field of my torn flesh on my hip down; down my leg weakened under my shaking bones, down the cold harsh marble winking back at me and mocking me for being weak.
I lost the white hot anger that washed over me every time he talked me down, every time he called me names and told me how horrible I was.
I lost my will to fight back anymore, whats the point when I was planning a one way trip 6 feet under.
and Along the way,



I guess I lost my self too.
I lost the guilt free smiles, where for a moment I could be free of the weight that held on to my heart for so long.
I lost the laughs that were contagious and felt like they would never end, why they started we won't ever know but that never mattered.
I lost my narcissistic care I would give in tending to my mermaid hair
I lost my passion that bubbled over and spilled over the pot pouring over into everything.
I lost the warmth I kept to myself, my soft squishy gooey center that I kept protected through heart break and betrayal.
I lost myself sir, I'm afraid I can't explain myself you see because I am not myself you see for I've long lost myself ...

There was no Hatter to escort me to high tea
There was no Cheshire cat to grin at me amongst the clouds
There was no vial beckoning me to Drink that would make me shrink
There was no cake calling me to eat that would make me grow
But I found my wonderland
It hid behind my close eyes
While the rest of the world slept I found peace in the depths of the madness that called to me for so long
I found myself my paradise
But all the same, I found I could not keep this oasis free from stress and guilt
and all the same I lost myself along the way
and all the same I spend the rest of the night picking up the pieces I left strewn in my wake
and all the same I called to the Caterpillar, asking who am I now
He replied how am I to know who YOU are stupid girl
How am I to know who I am, for I am not myself anymore you see

Once upon a time there was a pretty dolly who played pretend, she pretended she was the most beautiful in the land and that suitors came from all over to seek her hand
She pretended she could pick and choose and that at every moment she was showered in love and adoration
She pretended she was meant for so much more than just a mundane doll life, that she was destined for greatness and she actually mattered
She pretended she was the rock star of her world, that her word meant something and changed the hate filled hearts into that of love and a passion to better the world we all share
She pretended that she had no wardens cutting down every escape plan, that she had no dragons guarding her tower with the similarity of the guards outside an inmates sell mocking them for their lack of freedom and choice.
She pretended she wasn't damaged goods and that she wasn't breaking under the pressure and harsh words thrown nonchalantly at her
She pretended she wasn't hurt,


no matter how much the cruel words tore at her she pretended she wasn't the freak show everyone mad her out to be
Above all, she pretended to be strong. To be brave and fearless.


No matter how much she wanted to break down and cry, she feigned an indifference she did not feel and kept her head high.



Because in the end she was to get the last laugh.

A morbid thought...

And best of all, she pretended she didn't care

Because in the end she was to get the last word

Her last word.

I guess I lied when I said it was the last.
We both know it wasn't
We both know that I lay awake with all that I've left unsaid
We both know why I can't go without saying what needs to be said.
While I know all this I can't keep our last conversation from haunting me still.
I called and cried and begged, but you never picked up
I called and shouted every vile name I knew into the emptiness of your crackling voice mail
I called, tears streaming down my face asked if you really loved me like you said you did how could you make me feel like hell

You whispered across time and space and I felt the empty cold distance with every word, you said its because I love you that I put you through hell
With my arms cradling my sides, sure if I let go I would surely split in two with the gaping hole you left behind in your wake
With my head in my chest, sure if I dare lifted it I would surely go mad from the sight of your carnage you left behind in your wake
With my eyes shut tight, sure if I opened them I would surely have to witness the broken pieces you left behind in your wake...


and I laugh bitterly to myself, hearing the words you spoke to me so long ago across time and space I felt the lies in your words as you told me you were different.

The walls will run red with carnage in the wake of my disaster
I picture it now
The perfect storm
The beautiful storm
Crushing the forever etched on your lying lips
Crushing the cruel words perched on your harsh dictator tongue
Crushing the hope spilling over your teeth

The gathering of red, like glass marbles rolling to the center of the stage colliding on impact and growing as the orb of red grew still waiting to burst and spill over

The walls will run red with the destruction of my essence
I can picture it now
The moment of shock running across your face in realization of all that you've done
The slap of reality that will forever echo in your skull

And every "you" will have their moment as they come to terms with the red that they've caused
And every "you" will have that moment of denial that they couldn't be the reason
So this is me informing you all, it is you.

To be eternal, to be forever, you must never be forgotten.
Immortality my dears, isn't just living forever it's never being forgotten.
To never be forgotten you must be infamous.
No one ever forgets to boogey man or the other creepy crawlers of the night because we never stop fearing them.
No one ever forgets the horrific double homicide of Miss. Galaxy and her beau, because it was gruesome.
No one ever forgets the crazy ax serial killer with a taste for little girls, because it was tragic.
No one ever forgets the pretty people, the important people, the scary people.
But it's not enough to be famous and die some horrible tragic death, even those get forgotten.
No, you have to be infamous to never get forgotten.
You have to be beautiful beyond any comparison like The black Daliha.
You have to be feared and a house hold pariah
Untouchable.
Bonnie and Clyde
Jack the Ripper
The BTK killer
Their names will forever haunt our history,
That my dearest is infamy.
It's immortality

My head buzzes with the sounds from my blaring headphones, but I am beyond hearing.
I feel my teeth chatter with the vibration with ever hit of the bass I can feel it echo through my shallow bones.
On nights like this when the rest of the world is ignorant of my consciousness I pretend...
I can pretend so well I actually start to believe the things I pretend
Like a Siren calling to me from where I latch on to the shred of hope keeping me from going under these god forsaken waves the color of ink
She calls to me telling me how much better everything is once I let go
How all the pain just goes away all I have to do is let go
But I fight barley hearing her over the sound of the blood rushing in my ears like bees humming their death march
The waves crash over me tossing me around from one side to the other fighting amongst itself for control over my rag doll shell
I feel the pressure building behind my head, I feel the whispers telling me to open my eyes to let go
But I don't
So I lay among the bed of white washed bones of those who let go, who went to the call and accepted it.
I lay there torutered crying to myself why can't I let go
Why can't I open my eyes
I feel the gasp of relief building and building behind my closed lips
It happens when you drown, the second before you die you inhale on reflex allowing the water to finally enter into your lungs and put you out of your misery of having all your insides explode
I hear the call again, the Siren beckons me to let go
Just
Let
Go
and for a moment I almost do
I can feel myself prepare for the inhale
The moment before I die
The gasp of relief
it's pursed on my lips
crawling past my teeth
pushing aside the last bubble of sweet oxygen I've trapped in my bleeding mouth
And I feel my heart take a hiccuping beat
The crashing sounds of building pressure and blood in my ears stops
I hear nothing
Nothing but the white noise of peace

When I was young I was a real girl
not this frozen doll trapped beneath the ice
When I was young, I'd laugh real laughs and smile real smiles and all was right in the world if only for a small moment
When I was young I'd watch Godzilla and Tim Burton's movies until I had memorized every line
When I was young I found my wonderland and escaped as to my nonsense as often as I could
When I was young there were no such things as the ugly words that plague me now
Death
Suicide
Anorexia
Tramp
Disappointment
Waste of space
None of that, see because with a wrinkle in my nose and my eyes closed shut I could shut out the world and pretend to be someone else
I was the star of my ongoing movie and no one could ever hurt me if I never let them
When I was young... well, I didn't stay young for long.
The world dug its claws into my innocence like a rabid cat starved for years
I lost the innocence
I lost my muchness, I lost my time to be a child
I learned that only the pretty people mattered
Pretty girls got the pretty boys with the sweet lies snaking out of their rotten mouths
Pretty girls got to hang out with other pretty girls and they were never bored
Pretty girls were forever young, idolized in innocence and youth.
Nothing bad ever happened to pretty girls
And When I was young, that's all I ever wanted to be. The pretty one.

My last letter to you my dearest,
This is the part where I should be telling you how much I loved you and how you meant the world to me.
But in order for me to mean that... I'd have to admit somethings and I figure why not do it behind the keys of this dinosaur.
I'd have to admit that you took the broken shards of this ice princess doll and taught her what warmth is
I'd have to admit that you made me fall for that smile with that dimple and twinkle in your eye
I'd have to admit that I love.
Not just in general. But that I love you.






I'm not sure anymore. Thinking about you makes me forget for a moment,
all the things that are wrong
all the things that kept me angry and harsh, cold to the world.


I'm not sure anymore