At brunch, he let me copy his answers. The bell rang and he kissed me gently on the lips. I guess the boyfriend thing was kind of new because all of my friends “oohed” or “awed” or just sighed. Yup I was pretty lucky. As we walked off in different directions I thought over the last couple of years. And, believe it or not, I teared up. Everything kind of overwhelmed me, time stood still (sort of), and I rushed toward Ben. “Wait, Ben.” He turned and I hugged him and whispered, “I love you. Never forget that. Ever, please.” He hugged me back and kissed the top of my head and whispered back, “I never ever will. I promise. Oh, and I love you too.” Okay I plain broke down. “Oh, whoa, what’s wrong?” He looked at me anxiously. It was so sweet. “Nothing, I just, I can’t describe it. Nothing really. They’re good tears. ‘K I have to get to class. See you at lunch though.” I turned and walked away.






The rest of the day flew by. There weren’t even any more tears. Impressive, I know. I walk home. My mum thinks it’s too far to walk to school in the morning, but kill myself in the hot summer sun after school? Go ahead. Parental logic… just no. But it was all good because Ben walked with me. We lived right next to each other for heaven’s sake! So as we walked we talked, but I don’t want to get into all that. It was a lot of mush that is said between most boy/girlfriends. As we got home my mum, or Rita, as she begged all my friends to call her, came flying down the steps. “We got a package!” She was way too happy. I should have known then something was up. As we walked in, mum gushed over Ben, again, and exclaimed how cute we were and adorable he was and perfect and oh how was school and who was there and what’s the gossip and on and on and on… I’ve perfected the skill of ignoring her but nodding once in a while to look like I’m listening. There are always those awkward moments when I nod and she goes, yes? and I realize she’s asked me a question. She doesn’t usually mind though. She’s gotten used to it. Ben on the other hand always listens. Who knows why? So where were we? Oh yeah, the package. When we got to the dining room, mum stopped and threw her hands in the air. I just looked at her. Then she recovered and went, “Oh yes, that’s where it is. I misplaced it, it’s in the kitchen I knew that, how silly of me…” Here we go again… goodness. “Mum? I think you forgot your medication…” I know, that sounds bad. She just has ADHD though don’t worry. Lately she’d been forgetting to take her meds and had been a little… strewn but more than normal. And so we all trekked to the kitchen.

Let me explain the trekking. We had lots of boxes lying around with unpacked things because my mother never got around to unpacking everything. I know but that’s what happens when you have ADHD I guess. We finally made it to the kitchen when mum threw her hands up in the air. I just looked at her. I waited, this happened a lot. Now I know I’m making it sound like her “situation” is worse than it really is. Just to be clear it’s really not that big of a deal, I just like to make it seem worse than it is… But back to the problem at hand. Finally she got it. “Oh, here it is! I thought I had left it in the dining room! Okay open it already!” She was so excited. “Scissors please.” I tried to sound very important and official and ended up just cracking Ben up. “Oh, shush.” I finally got the box open. I tore out the paper and lifted up the item. My eyes got wide. It was a laptop. A brand new, brilliantly silver, laptop. What had I done to deserve… and then the note fell out into my lap. It was actually an invitation. Mum looked excitedly over at me. I opened it. I saw the writing:

Mr. James Farfield
and
soon to be Mrs. Chloe Jackson Farfield
cordially invite you to be at their wedding.
June 10, 2013

R.S.V.P. to…

And there was a random telephone number that I didn’t recognize. With a start I shoved the invite back into the laptop. “What was that honey?” I looked up and tried to wipe off the look of shock I’m sure was eminent on my face. “Uh.. oh, nothing. It’s nothing just a note from dad um… I should write back to him and say thanks.” I looked at Ben. He nodded slightly. He’d seen the invitation too. I put a brave smile on my face and told mum I would write that note now. And could we have some cookies please. I wasn’t going to that wedding. No FREAKIN’ way. Uhuh. That way I wouldn’t have to tell mum about this at all. Problem solved right? Haha, nope not really. But I tried, you have to give me that.

Later, I talk to Ben about it. “I just don’t know what to do. You know what it was right?” Sympathetically, Ben nods.
“It was a freakin’ wedding invitation! I mean, who does that?!” It’s so hard right now. I love my dad but he’s making it very difficult to side with him. I don’t know what to do. Finally Ben leans in to hug me. “Hey, hey, it’ll be alright. Don’t worry about it.” He wiped away the tears I didn’t even notice had fallen. “Yeah, I know, I know. Stop it I’m fine.”
“Okay, just trying to help.”
“Well, stop trying. It’s my fight I don’t need to you to baby me. I can figure this out by myself I’m 16 for heaven’s sake!”
“Whoa, calm down I was just… Alright, you go and think about this, I’m gonna go home and give you some time to cool off.” He kissed me on the cheek and stood up. Before he left, he turned around and said, very clearly and loudly and maybe even proudly, ”I love you. I still do. Even if you don’t return it.” An easy smile came over his face. “Bye.” And he walked out. Well I started bawling. I mean any guy who says that to you when you had just yelled at him in the face is a keeper. And all right, because this is already a little cliché, I decided to do the right thing. “Um… Mum?” She answered, “Hey, I’m here. You guys didn’t have a fight did you?” I smiled gently. “No, don’t worry. I just need time to… to cope with what dad really sent me. And, it wasn’t just a note. Um… it was an invitation.” I paused to look up at her. Okay so I also paused for dramatic effect… Don’t judge. Her face got puzzled. “What… do you mean an invitation?” I sighed. “You know the kind… the ones you send to people on… well, you wear white… ugh why is this so hard… a wedding! Wedding invitation. I’m sorry.” It took a little bit but she got it. “Oh… okay that’s fine. Well, we should go I guess.” I stared at her incredulously. “Wait… go to, to his wedding? I mean you guys got divorced so why… I don’t get it.”
“Exactly, we got divorced. This will show that I’m not sore about it. Same for you actually.”
“Hey! I was never against divorce. Sure it was hard but you guys kind of needed to let go. It got hard for everyone not just you two.”
“Yeah, I know. So we go. Let everyone know we don’t care. In fact maybe I’ll bring a date.” I grinned and raised my eyebrows.
“What?” She looked down. “Alright so I may be a little rusty… I’ll get it.” I just kept smiling. My mum, dating again. This’ll be fun, I thought to myself.

Later that day, again, we sat down for supper. We were having potato salad (love), steak (love), and root beer. I couldn’t ask for a better dinner. The T.V. was droning on in the background. “Cheers to strong women like us!” We held up our cans and clinked them together very cheesily. As we were enjoying the delights of freedom the phone rang. “I’ll get it.” I smiled. “No, let me!” We bantered, being overly polite. I got there first and picked it up. Through the receiver I heard, “Hey, this is Chloe… I…” She sobbed, then sniffed, “I’m sorry, your father… he’s dying.” I dropped the phone.
“Jess? You okay?” Mum looked shocked. I… all I could think about was Dad, he… I couldn’t say it… was dying. The whole world stopped. I couldn’t see anything. I tried. I could barely make out mum looking at me worried, then picking up the phone… fade to black.

I woke up but I didn’t open my eyes. Maybe if I fell asleep everything would go away. I couldn’t live with the reality of this. Of course by now mum was shaking me.
“Hey, I know, you okay? You went out like a light. Literally I think a light went out in your eyes I know how cheesy that sounds but…” she took a deep breath… “You’re okay?” As if. My world, shattered. My dad, he was half of my life. And that part of me was dying. I don’t know how she kept it together as well as she did. I didn’t say anything. If I did I would have cried I know. I lay there on the floor, probably sprawled out weirdly. I was too shocked to care. Now if this was some cliché story, I would just black out again and then wake up and ask what happened and someone would explain and I’d cry. But this wasn’t just some story it was mine. And it isn’t cliché it is very real. So I didn’t black out. I was painfully aware of how awake I was. Somehow I managed to stand up and move to a chair. “It’s cancer.” Isn’t it always?
“Apparently, he’s had it for a while. Chloe knew for some time she just couldn’t say anything. Now of course when it gets serious she flips the lid and tells us. What happened to… oh I don’t know, decency? He was my husband first! She didn’t think she could tell us.” She stopped to take a breath, finally.
“Slow down you’re scaring me.” I took a deeper breath. “I just don’t think she wanted us to have to deal with it since your divorce and all. She was trying to help. Now look who’s flipping a lid.” I tried out a weak grin. Mum smiled. I wanted to collapse in her arms like I had so many times before when I was little. But I couldn’t I had to stay strong.

The next day at school I felt like Peter Parker in the Amazing Spider man-- minus the Flash part. Everything was slow motion and blurry and magnified times 100. Somehow I made it through the day. No teachers called on me. Hm… coincidence? I think NOT! Hehe… sorry, quoting the Incredibles relieves stress. I couldn’t look at Ben. Not sure why. I avoided pretty much everyone. I was the epiphany of one of those “I hate society” freaks… I mean kids. I know everyone wanted to know what was wrong with me. I gave them nothing. There was one time Ben tried to ask me what was wrong. Before he could say anything, or before I started crying, I dodged into the nearest bathroom. Okay so that was pretty pathetically cliché. I had a good reason. That was it for encounters. No one else really tried to approach me. They knew better than try to talk to me. Finally, as if the day wasn’t long enough already, it was lunch. I couldn’t take the avoiding people so I left. Mum was sort of surprised to see me. Not that I could blame her. I told her I needed a day off and that nothing important was happening later. She said okay and went on with whatever she’d been doing before I came home and left me alone with my thoughts. Not such a great idea.

No I wasn’t considering suicide. And I don’t say this jokingly. I really wasn’t. Dad wasn’t dead yet… just dying. I held back tears. So I did the only thing I could think to do. I turned on his favorite music and started writing him a letter.

“Dear Dad,
I love you. Don’t ever think otherwise. There have been times when maybe it didn’t seem like it, but I always have and always will. Please don’t worry. Or die. You don’t have to yet, its too early. Get better. Mum’s okay thanks for asking; I’m holding on… sort of. I’m trying. I made it through half a day of school today; I did it for you. I’m being strong ‘cause that’s what you’d want me to do. Thinking of you… you’ll get better I just kno…” I couldn’t write any more so I just stopped. I laid my head on my desk and sobbed. It was a good 20-minute cry. I got everything out. Not just that day but from a lifetime of bottled up tears. Of course afterward I didn’t feel any better. You never do. After that I fell asleep. I mean what else are you supposed to do?

The next day was more struggles. It wasn’t any more painful it was depressing. I couldn’t talk to anyone. A couple times a teacher called on me. I just put my head down on the desk. They knew enough to leave me alone. When I got home I did some homework and found my guitar and began to play. About half way through a song the phone rang. “Hi? This is Jess.” It was Chloe. “Oh. What?”
“I just wanted to let you know that your father is doing a lot better. We think that he is maybe fine. So I just wanted you not to worry.” With that one phone call my day got better. I decided to celebrate by being as cliché as possible. First I skipped around cheesily, and then I sang about it. Then, of course, I listened to happy music. Then I was done. Haha its funny how I figured everything would turn out fine. Just like a novel. So I was in that “ignorance is bliss” stage. It was a good stage. I hung out with Ben everyday. I talked to people. I studied. And you have to know that one way to tell I’m, well, feeling amazing is to see me study. So I did a little bit of laughing (with friends), crying (over sad movies), and kissing (with… well, duh!). It was like that movie, Eat, Pray, Love. There was eating too. It wasn’t a huge romance… okay now it’s getting too complicated. Basically, I let go and had fun.

4 months later…
I guess I just expected everything to go on like it had been forever. I should have known it wouldn’t stay so perfect forever. Summer had finally come. It was bright and sunny everyday. So of course a tragedy would happen then. I had just started to get used to the usual routine of sleeping in ‘til noon, hanging with friends all day, eating a hurried supper, and then going back out to walk or talk or see a movie with Ben ‘til pretty late. Then repeat. Suddenly, my world was blown waaay out of proportion. My dad died. It was June 20. Two days before my birthday. I didn’t get to say goodbye. It was all very sudden. One day my mum was smiling, the next she was bawling. I didn’t cry, not once. I stayed strong as I had before. And this time I didn’t shut down or shut out. I still laughed with my friends and just pretended nothing had gone wrong. It was hard I’ll give you that. Hard, terrible, heart wrenching, but not impossible. My friends, they all assumed I had become fragile. Everything they said was halfhearted and gentle. As if I was gonna break from words. In all honesty, if I had been anyone else I might have. There was a funeral, of course. Everyone kept telling me how sorry they were for me. My only thoughts were, You have no idea what I’m going through, you don’t know how I feel, I might care for that matter, I appreciate you making an effort, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, this is so hard I think I might crack, oh gosh, oh why? But thank you anyway. And that was that. Mostly I tried to look sad, like I’d been crying. But why lie? Soon I gave up. I just looked mad mostly I think. Soon I was back to the normal routine, only it wasn’t exactly the same anymore. People sent flowers, brought whole meals, sent condolence notes. I’m not so cold hearted that I didn’t appreciate it. It made it just a little better, it also made it harder to forget. Which is exactly what I wanted to do. Forget. Through it all the only person to stay real with me was Ben. He never talked to me as though I was fragile, a glass waiting to break. He was himself. It was, well, refreshing. It got to the point of not wanting to hang out with anyone but Ben. Soon though, things started falling apart. Oh goody. It all began on July 4th. Of all the days. It was Fourth of July, everyone was trying to forget, I’d had a couple too many sips (which my mum had allowed) and I was… lets say happy. I was being annoying. He was dealing, sort of. Finally he got fed up. “Please just stop. I can’t take you doing this. I’ve never seen you like this I don’t like it. Just stop.” Well I took it the wrong way, one thing led to another, I yelled at him to get out. Then I cried. Well he did just what I told him to. He walked away. I desperately hoped we weren’t done. It had to be a joke. I’d said some stupid things, sure, but enough to make him walk away? It almost broke me more than my dad dying had. The next day I called him. And called and called… and called. He didn’t pick up, not once. Finally I gave up. There was no point, he’d never answer. I went the whole day not answering the phone or texts because they weren’t from him. I’d randomly break down and cry in intervals. This from the girl who didn’t cry. Why was nothing going my way? It was so hard. For a couple days I didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. Mum started to worry about me. I stayed in my room and wouldn’t talk to anyone. I don’t blame her for being a little scared. I totally shut myself off from the world. It was almost scary for me. Okay it was scary for me. But I didn’t want to deal. So I didn’t.

Finally, I came out of my room, a few days later. I called him again. It was the evening. “Hey… Ben, it’s me again. I just… we need to talk. I miss you can you just at least come” “…man up and talk to you?” I looked at the phone surprised and startled. Nope didn’t come from there. I turned around. There he was. “Hi” I whispered. Slowly I stood up. “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean the things I said I regretted them immediately after I said them, I’ve been sitting in, okay moping in my room for the past week calling you and texting you and not eating or sleeping do you know how hard it was not to have you to talk to?” Out of breath, I stopped and managed a weak smile. “It’s been hell.” He bit back a smile. “I missed you too.” Now most couples after they get back together, they make out to make up. Ben and me had never been a very touchy-feely couple. We stuck to the basics of kissing once in a while. So even now we just sat on the couch, smiling and hugging. It was… nice. Sweet. Perfect. And that’s why I had missed him the most. I missed the simpleness of him. And not to get cheesy or anything, he made me happy. I was glad he was back. And just like that my routine was back to normal.

Now it almost sounds like I just forgot about my dad’s death. Trust me I hadn’t. I thought about it everyday and everyday I chose not to think about it too hard. I didn’t want to do that to myself. It was summer I just wanted to be happy. And I was. I let go, I started opening up. I had fun. It was a great summer. One I would never forget and not because of the death or the breakup. And the great thing was that I got through it. I survived. And I knew that I would always be able to get through what ever happened. And I know this is such a generic happy-go-lucky ending. But trust me I had an epiphany! Okay, not really. And I guess I didn’t learn that much about life or its amazingly deep and complicated philosophies but I did learn that I could survive.