Have you ever felt ignored? Invisible? Ghost-like?
I’m talking about sitting at a lunch table waiting patiently for your turn to talk, rehearsing something interesting about your day over and over just to be pushed aside because it was “dumb” and “unimportant”.
I’m talking about someone pushing a branch out of the way for someone then letting go of that branch and it snapping back on you.
I’m talking about unknown group chats, unknown plans, unknown inside jokes and “you had to be there” moments.
I’m talking about being left out because you said you didn't want to hang one time.
I’m talking about my “friends”.
I’m talking about my realization,
The sidewalk fits only two.

First of all the times we went walking down after school to Culver's, trudging a line of
2,2,1.
Following behind but sometimes stopping to see if they would turn around.
I would count to myself hoping they would see.
1 mississippi, 2 mississippi, 3 mississippi.
I count to 20 and by that time they were already inside ordering.
I mean I didn't realize that at that moment I had lost my friends.
Walking into Culver’s they didn't say anything.
I mean besides the “Where were you”s and the “We had to order without you”s.
I guess I would consider that they were trying to be sincere but it turned into oblivion.
I mean we sat down in a booth and I had the chair that was pulled out from a nearby 2 person table.
Why wouldn’t we a group of five take the eight person table?
Because, we prefer booths.
The booths fits only four.

More moments happened like that, but the booths turned into uninvited birthday parties.
Meaning I wasn’t suppose to find out but some people just can’t get over themselves.
They had to make a big deal about who was going.
Questions poured in my mind with “what ifs”.
“What if she forgot?’ “What if it got lost in the mail? Its happened before.”
Instead she told me, bluntly, ripping the bandage off of our friendship.
“It’s at six flags. I told you I wasn’t going there with you ever again.”
I first thought it was one of her jokes, but she didn't laugh after as usual.
I was shocked but it wasn't that unexpected.
I'm use to her little jokes about how apparently I don't like her or I'm a meanie because I didn't like her photo or I said the truth.
At Least this time she didn't say “I totally forgot about you” as an excuse.
Because you know, being friends since the fourth grade is totally forgettable.
I figured I could do something else then riding roller coaster especially since it was Fright fest,
but I guess i'm just wasting space.
She said she wanted her close friends.
Technically that’s five people but,
Most roller coasters only fit two to four.

Yeah I knew I don’t care for roller coasters but I care about photos.
Every place, adventure, every time we created a memory we would take a photo.
With or without people.
Or should I say with or without me, because they had the more important people there.
Including in selfies, individual and the group photos.
The group photos where no one wanted to stand by me.
Or the fact that we have to crop pictures because of me.
But that meant that I had to edit them so we could post it as our “squad goals”.
Once in awhile we would get the all together photo but that’s when someone would ask
Me if they could take the photo so I could finally get in it.
Photo booths were a whole other problem.
In photo booths I was the one standing outside holding the curtain out just so you can see my hair or forehead.
The photo booth only fits two.

I stopped sitting there at lunch.
I stopped walking down that path,
I removed my number, unfriended and blocked.
I didn't want to make a scene but I was tired of drinking the same poison.
I was tired of pricking my hand on the same roses.
I was tired of being full of toxic.

A new group of friends came and I never knew how to feel,
How to act.
I knew how the feeling of belonging felt but, It’s been awhile.
I would be included in chats, jokes, sleepovers.
But I still feel like I don’t belong.
I would walk in the front,
But I still turn around,
To see that
The sidewalk only fits two.