My clock sat on the nightstand beside me ticking away, indicating that time was slowly slipping into an endless void. As I laid in bed, the fresh, crisp fall air slipped through the window as I tried to catch my breath from the anxiety I was feeling. My ex-boyfriend, who I was still friends with at the time, was driving me straight down a path of insanity. Christmas was slowly approaching, but all I could think of was how unhappy I was. With everything and everyone cheerful and thankful around me, I plastered a smile on my face and pushed my way through the battle.

Early August was when the crash happened. The downfall had always been there from the start, but I never noticed the walls crashing down around me. He was sweet for a month into the relationship, but he became controlling and emotionally abusive. He never once noticed the hurt he was placing upon me. I felt like a building was crushing my lungs. From the very beginning, he put me down and blamed me for our fights. Looking back, I remember these fights being pointless and that he would get mad about the littlest things. I also was used and taken advantage of till I turned from sweet to complete sour and bitterness. My parents, my friends, and people who did not even know me noticed something was off. In the beginning stages, I pushed off his actions and made excuses. I often blamed myself for why he was treating me like I was not good enough. I remember that early morning in August hearing the cold tone in his voice say, “You are hard to love, and I do not love you anymore. We can still be friends.”

The hardest part was letting everything go. Nine months of my life had essentially gone to waste, and I felt empty. I had never been told I was “hard to love,” and the phrase hit me like a bullet every time I thought of those words. I felt insecure, beaten down, and afraid that everyone else thought the same. However, despite how I felt, I was forced to continue a friendship I did not necessarily want. I ignored him on several occasions only to have my phone blown up with questions like “Hello?” or my favorite, “Oh, so you can tweet but can’t text me back?” He continued to play mind games on me, constantly leading me on and hoping I would fall for his trap. Needless to say, I did and continued to let him take advantage of me solely for the purpose that I was afraid and could not stand up for myself. We fought on the daily, which eventually lead up to the point where he would only talk to me when he needed something. Every night I would ask myself, “Therese, what are you doing? He’s only hurting you.” Every night ended with the same answer, “I don’t know.” Over and over, I prayed to God to get me out of this situation, but nothing ever happened. I knew God was up there listening and watching over me, but I always wondered why God was not doing anything about the pain I was feeling.

I never once thought that everything happening to me was all apart of God’s plan. As I laid in bed one night, I had the sudden urge to finally stand my ground. I realized I had enough. I did not want to feel worthless anymore, and I surely did not want to give someone that power over me. In this same moment, I texted my ex a long paragraph telling him that I was done with how he was treating me. He either needed to get his act together, or I was never talking to him again. I explained to him how much he hurt me only for him to say I was overreacting and making things up. I gave up and stopped answering his texts. I blocked his social media and deleted his number. He tried to contact me after, and I would answer on some occasions so I could slowly distance myself away from him. The building I felt crushing my lungs had finally toppled over, finally allowing me to breathe.

Several weeks later as I scrolled through Instagram, I noticed I had a new follow request. Considering I am a very cautious person on social media, I did my “stalking” on who this person was before I accepted. Needless to say, he was very cute, but I was fearful that I would get hurt again. I avoided messaging him first, constantly hoping I would hear from him. A few days passed, and I finally received the notification I had been hopelessly waiting for. I remember feeling giddy but also nervous because I had no clue what this person was like. We talked everyday after this encounter until the day we finally met in person. He picked me up from my house, like a typical gentleman, and took me to see a movie. After the movie, we went to the park and Dairy Queen, where he had me laughing and smiling the whole entire time. We hung out several times after this date, leading up to exactly three months ago when we became “official.”

So far, he doesn’t realize how much of an impact he has already made on my life in just three short months. I had just left behind something so toxic only to move forward to something so much better. Meeting him was like finally breathing in fresher air. I now have someone who sees my worth and treats me right. He also gets along well with my family and friends, which is a huge plus. I am not sure how long this relationship will last, but I can say that I am really grateful to finally experience something that is true. With him, I never feel unwanted or like he does not care. He goes out of his way for me and is understanding when I am stressed or in a bad mood, often helping me overcome these moods. He is ultimately becoming my best friend, and he is the perfect epitome that calmness always follows a storm. If I could ever go back and change my past, I would not because I would know something better is in store for me.

The fact that people come and go is something I have always been well aware. Not everyone is meant to stay in our life forever. Some people serve their purpose in our lives for only a short period of time, while others stay for a lifetime. I am not mad at my ex-boyfriend or hate him for how I was treated. I never once thought I would say that I am thankful for his mistakes, but I am. He has reminded me that I deserve the best in my life and that I am stronger than I look or sometimes feel. He has taught me that trust is fragile and should not be freely given. By thinking I needed him, I taught myself how to be persevering. I fought for him over and over again, proving to myself just how far I can go before falling apart. By fighting with him, I have learned that some battles just are not worth fighting. He has helped me become more level-headed and strong. Lastly, by loving him, I have learned what love is not. Love is not something emotionally exhausting. As 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says, “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” I know now that if love fails, then love was never really present at all. He was always right when he said he did not deserve me, and he was right when he said I would find someone who does. I would not be standing where I am today had I not experienced the hurt I felt.