...How do I even write this? I’m just glad that I realized sooner rather than later.
...It feels different now. Our relationship. Yes, we’re more aware. It wasn’t easy telling you how I felt… how you hurt me…

...I haven’t told you I’m sorry, because I’m afraid I’m not. I’m not sorry for feeling the way I feel. It doesn’t feel right to force myself to try for something I don’t want, for something… someone who may not be meant to stay in my life. ...But that’s the journey of love and life, isn’t it? We don’t know who we’re meant to be with; we don’t know where we’re going to end up.

I had felt… indifferent. I just didn’t care about us anymore. I pictured not having you in my daily life anymore, and I didn’t feel sad or lonely. I didn’t feel anything. It seemed (and to be truthful, it still seems) like we could part, and I’d be just fine. I’d be thankful to you for giving me the experience of loving someone ...But then, I realized that given the choice (and I have the choice), I would choose to be WITH you. I would choose to still have you with me at the end of the day.

I thought I had just kept you around because you had helped me so much. You had helped me overcome being unable to be close to someone in that way. Did I think I had to repay you? No… our relationship wasn’t/isn’t like that. We just wanted to do good for each other. Was I in love with the memories of you more than actually with you? ...I still question that… We have so many memories together. ...But I still enjoy your company. I think… I still want to create memories with you. Chicago…

When I didn’t know if I was in love with you anymore… when I told you… a part of me wished I could take it back, but another part of me didn’t care… It was the truth. I didn’t know…

I had loved you for so long with no confirmation from your end and a lot of trying to be patient and understanding on mine. After being in love with you for six months… after being told that you didn’t like me bringing up this subject… after each incident of trying to tamp down the love and the pain, I think it must have affected me…

...It used to bring me pain when you couldn’t tell me you loved me, but after repeated lack of confirmation from your end… I guess I just didn’t care anymore… and I don’t think that’s a good thing. ...I didn’t know if I really wasn’t in love with you anymore… or if I had just unconsciously built this cold shield over my heart…

When you asked me if I really thought you didn’t love me… I said I didn’t know. ...What is love? Why do I want you to say those words? ...Why does it hurt so much when you don’t?

I went out that weekend. I got to meet new people… I got to be one person, with occasional reminders that I was attached to you too. The second night I went out, I got to meet and talk with a friend of a friend. We must’ve looked like we were flirting, and I question what I would have done if no one knew who I was and I had the freedom to actually flirt… But, I guess it’s a blessing we talked as friends. ...He looked like you… and he was still not over his ex, though he said he hated her.

… I asked you if you had hated me… I asked you if you had been worried… You said you didn’t hate me… that of course, you’d been worried…

We were side by side, nose to nose.
“...You like me that much?”
“What do you think?”

I wanted to meet you sooner than our Chicago trip. We met… and I could tell our relationship was different already. I was hesitant. I felt like it was a new relationship… You took my hand, and my stomach fluttered. I guess I was afraid you’d be distant, but you… you weren’t.

We went to eat, and you agreed to come back to my place to hang. ...The previous night after the party, I came home… sat in front of my mirror… and looked at myself. I’m an indecisive person… It takes me forever to make a decision.

...What do you want?

I thought about it… weighed the two. I pictured myself going to parties, having fun, laughing with people, leaning in close to talk over the loud music ...and coming home to nothing. And then I thought about you… about laying my head on your chest, hearing your heartbeat, feeling your warmth as you curl your arm around me and kiss my forehead. ...And I knew. I wanted to be with you.

Looking at you… how did I ever think differently? Someone who’s so good to me. Unfaltering. Steadfast.

“...Do you forgive me?”
“Babe, there’s nothing to forgive.”

...Forgive me… for swimming a bit too far from you. Thank you… for fishing me out again, my fisherman.

“Okay, I’m gonna ask for the last time… Do you still want me...?”
“Of course, I do.”