She told me. She told me all the lies that he told and the secrets he kept. That’s when everything changed. I still can’t believe that I had been so naive as to fall for his deceit. I knew what he did before and that he hadn’t always made the best decisions but, that never made me believe that he was a bad man. I believed that he was a victim of circumstance and the decisions he made were never a reflection of who he truly was. I believed that beneath all of the rumors and perceptions of him was a good man. He spoke to me like I was some sort of angel-saint that he didn’t deserve because somehow, I was too good for him. I however, saw us as equals. I suppose the things he did for others and the kind generous man I saw was, well, an illusion.

He made me believe in this absurd idea that not all men were selfish and corrupt. That somewhere out there, hiding in plain sight, were good, honest, caring men. Men who did everything for the good of others and would never try to deceive and innocent soul. Men who are strengthened by their family and humbled by their peers. Men who are not ashamed by their faults and are completely and utterly loyal. Now that hope has been shattered and swept away like a broken beer bottle in the street.

This is all because of one man. One man who promised years ago never to hurt me like the others. He said, “I know that you have been through alot in your life and that you have been hurt. You’ve lost a lot but I promise you, I will never do the things that they did. I will never leave you, and I will never, ever, cause you that kind of pain.”
I think that, in a way, that was the only promise he kept. You see, the others never came close to causing the kind of emotional and mental anguish that he had. They never stole from me or lied to me. He stole so much from me. He lied about everything; working, phone calls, meetings, even eating things that I had bought or made. He fabricated documents of employment and payment to insure I would believe him. The worst part is that he stole the kind of things you simply cannot replace. Things like pride, faith, relationships… innocence. Things that would be lamented without notice until it was far too late for reclamation.

I caught him red handed on multiple occasions yet still, somehow, he found a way to persuade me into believing I was the problem. That I was traumatized and paranoid by the apparent “horrors” of my childhood. Now I wonder how that had ever made any sense to me. The others never did what I now know I truly saw him do. Why would I be paranoid about men using drugs when my “horrors” were bipolar, and Alcoholic. Why would I imagine clouds of smoke emerging from his lungs if I had never seen more than a puff cigarette smoke? Why would I question missing pens and foil if I was oblivious to how they could be used?

I’ll never understand the intricate edifice of his mind. It’s much too complex and jumbled up for any individual to comprehend. I don’t believe that even he understands it. That’s what happens when you adulterate the delicate composition of a vital instrument with such pernicious chemicals.

I don’t care how desperately he wishes to legitimize his errors, how far he has come or what mistakes he has reconciled; I am not the credulous girl he once knew. I choose not to listen or believe. I will keep him at a distance that only I can control. Though it may cause me to appear cold I will not allow him the possibility of incapacitating me again. I have questioned every memory I have with him. My mother once told me that once someone breaks your trust, everything they say should be “Taken with a grain of salt”. So that is exactly what I choose to do.
I have forgiven him but that does not mean that I have forgotten the pain that he caused.