Dear Crystal,

The other day I read an article talking about common “conditions that increase a child’s risk of neglect”. It was sad when the top three rang a bell. “Having a single or teenaged parent”. Surrounded by substance or sexual abuse. Surrounded by violence. Mental Disorders. Poor living conditions (Child Maltreatment - Neglect). 869,000 children were victims of child abuse or neglect in 2002 (Child Abuse Rate Steady). I was 4 in 2002, and being so little, I remember so much. Too much.

It’s been 8 years since I’ve seen you last, and everyone that knows my situation says I'm better off without you, but part of me isn't convinced. I miss you. I turned 10, and all I got was a phone call. A phone call I didn’t even take because I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear you apologize again. I turned 12 and google had to tell the difference between maxi pads and mini pads. I turned 15 and went to my first high school dance and you weren’t there to call me beautiful. I got my first kiss, you weren’t  there, my first boyfriend, you weren’t there, I wanted to know more about sex, and you weren’t there.

I remember how you got that scar on the right side of your face, on your eyebrow? That’s the one. Do you remember my name? I remember that peircing on your other eyebrow. Do you remember the last time you saw me? I remember your forehead never used to droop as much as it does in this mugshot, but substance abuse will do that you to you. I remember you used to smile but now I think maybe it was because you were high. I remember the way you couldn’t choose which girlfriend to bring home that night but now I know where I get my indecisiveness from. I remember how your mom’s frown lines and your frown lines are placed in the exact same place, and when I see my copy in the mirror it just gives me another reason to smile. Daddy says I walk like you. He says I’m shaped like you. He says I sound like you and I thank god I can't see those similarities too. It’s funny because I can remember the time I stood up for you when that lady you kissed yelled. I can remember how you called my name when she shoved you into the front of our oven. I remember the way your hands shook as you saw the glass imbedded in them. I REMEMBER the way you looked up at me, with my duck pajamas and a stuffed dog in had and somehow you looked just as lost I did I was 4.

I remember when you left. We’d spent the day with friends and family that drove in from Arizona. You dropped me off at home, and by the end of the day I knew you were gone. I told you, I knew. But you denied it and your walk back toward your car was fast paced and anxious. You left me in the arms of an abusive woman, I bet you didn't know that. Daddy didn't even know that. I've never been able to decide which hurt worse, when she slapped me or when you walked away.

I’m angry. I’m angry that you left.  That you chose heroin and happy pills over me. That you left a hole in my heart that filled with a hatred for helpful women. I’m angry that only way I get to talk to you is if I write letters that I know you'll never read. Since you, the closest thing I’ve had to a mother is the abundance of “steps” and the ones my friends have shared with me. I’m angry because it’s not the same.

I wrote a story about you. It was violent and loud and the reader asked if it was a personal experience. I didn't know how to respond when I remembered all your lady lovers, and all the scars they gave your body and the scars they gave my mind.

People tried to prove that young mothers who used tobacco, marijuana, or binge drinking are more likely to end up with depression (Genna, Natacha M). I’m hoping that doesn’t include you because depression seems to run in the family.

I feel responsible sometimes, because of your absence. I feel like if I’d have tried a little harder, you might still want me. I don’t believe in god, but I like to pray that you think about me as much as i think about you.

It’s been 8 years since I’ve seen you last, and everyone that knows my situation says I'm better off without you, but part of me isn't convinced. I miss you.

Works Cited

"Child Abuse Rate Steady." Gale Cengage Learning. N.p., 21 Aug. 2006. Web. 8 Nov. 2015.
"Child Maltreatment-Neglect." Gale Cengage Learning. N.p., 1 July 2014. Web. 8 Nov. 2015.
De Genna, Natacha M. "Risk Factors for Young Adult Substance Use among Women Who Were Teenage Mothers." Gale Cengage Learning. N.p., May 2009. Web. 8 Nov. 2015.