I shot up from my pillow, awoken from my nightmare I wiped the sweat seeping from my hairline. I couldn’t believe what I just dreamt, my cousin was in a car crash… and it wasn’t an accident? I left the thought of my dream behind and began my morning pretending that it never happened at all. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and reached for my phone. I responded to text messages, checked my social media, etc. as if it was any other normal morning. That was before I’d read the terrifying news. I clicked onto the Facebook app which I usually do not do regularly but today this seemed like the right thing. I scrolled down the home page searching for something to read when something caught my eye, a news update from WZZM, the header of the news article read: one dead in ravenna car crash. My heart stopped before I could read any further I was flashing back to the dream everything so graphic. Despite the nervousness I read on  - my hands were shaky and sweaty, I wiped them off.

No this can’t be what I’m thinking… can it?
My nightmare was coming alive I read the article over and over again. My throat felt dry and scratchy: the feeling you get when you are about to cry. I never imagined my cousin’s death... never like this, I thought to myself don’t be a baby Jade but the tears fled from my eyes anyway.  My mom walked into my room to give me some laundry, her face looked concerned.
“Have you heard about Keith?” I asked
“ yes, I just got a call from nate.” she responded
I asked her various questions, I could tell she didn’t want to talk at the moment.
“We are going to meet Nate and Uncle Bruce for lunch you won’t need to get ready for school, I’ll call in for you.” she told me
For the next few days up until the funeral all that I could really focus on was Keith. We always had such a close bond; I couldn’t help but feel like one phone call or text to check in with him could have changed the outcome of this. At the funeral my aunt hugged me and whispered in my ear,
“Although he isn’t really here you will continue to see signs of him, and things that will remind you of him and that will be his way of showing you it is okay, and you don’t have to be sad.” 
She was sort of right; I did continue to see signs of him, and reminders of him even up until this day. Time has passed but the memory of him and the guilt has still stuck with me, and I know that somehow and some way it always will. The thing is though is that I have learned from it and I am happy for that. As much as my cousin's suicide has hurt me in so many ways it also has had so many positive effects; I have became so much closer with my friends and family. It really has made me realize how much they mean to me, how much there is at stake and how little things can make big differences. Although Keith is no longer with my family and I; he still continues to show up in the things that I do everyday and I am thankful for that. This has showed my family and I how much we need each other, that is how my cousin’s death has changed me.