Some people judge books by their cover; many times they judge people the same way. People like me know that, so we carefully design our covers instead of letting our cover be who we really are on the inside.    

My parents divorced when I was four years old. I lived with my mom on the weekdays and with my biological father on the weekends. I know a lot of kids have that split life too, and like them, my parent’s divorce was the 1st change in shaping my story differently. My mother remarried when I was 5 years old to a man everyone thought was great from outward appearances, but in reality he was actually terrible. I started being abused by my step-father when I was five and a half years old and it lasted until I was seven years old. This change in my life caused very deep wounds that I didn’t know how to process. My mother ended up divorcing, my step-dad for multiple reasons, so at least the abuse stopped even if the damages done were not going to heal for a long, long time…

At the age of seven and a half, my biological father died. It was January 1st, 2008, of all days. Never again would I celebrate everyone else’s "happy" New Year’s day. The cause of his passing was an aneurysm in his brain. Even that changed me as now I worry about every pain, wondering if something is wrong with me too.

On March 10th, 2008, just two months after his passing, my sister and I went into foster care because my mother was an alcoholic and very unstable. I grew up never knowing what was going on with my Mom or what she really had been doing. I lived with her and still didn’t know, so now I have a hard trusting anyone even when I see their actions everyday.

One of my half sisters (Stephanie, 6 years older) went through most of the same things as me. She and I ended up going to three different foster homes together. I never felt like I could call any of them home, but it was different for my sister. While we were in the third foster home, my mother was “TPR’d” which means termination of parental rights. We were now both eligible for adoption. I was 10 years old. My sister wanted to settle down and was then adopted by this family, the Smith family. Even though I did not want them to adopt me, when she got adopted by them, it made me feel like I could never be loved and no one would ever care for me.

After my sister's adoption I was then sent to a group home for six months . While being in the group home I realized I did not want to be adopted by the Smith family therefore, I told the Smith family that I did not want to be adopted by them. After leaving the Smiths’ home, my relationship with my sister took a toll. We use to be so close and I always looked up to her. This choice to live in different homes, to this day, has made it very difficult to get along or even to be able to have a decent relationship. It hurts not to have my sister in my life like I use to. I do the fake thing of telling myself that I am brushing it off like I do not care, but in reality, I care a lot and miss her so much and wish she would still be in my life like she use to be.

While I was in the group home, I asked if I could spend Thanksgiving with a family because I did not want to be without a family during the holiday break. I ended up going with a family for Thanksgiving and had a blast! We went to their cabin/ lake house, and I met their 2 oldest sons, Dan and Adam, and two girls they had adopted, Jen and Karen. I also met Dan’s girlfriend at the time, Julia. They made me feel so welcome and I felt like I belonged somewhere for once in a long time! Once that weekend was over, I knew I wanted to go back! I went back for Christmas and eventually in January of 2011 they ended up taking me in as a foster child.

October 19th, 2011 the family became my family, meaning they adopted me. I was 11. Now, I am fifteen and I love my family and would not change them for the world! I am so blessed to have such an amazing family that treats me like I’m their own and that loves me unconditionally. They introduced me to a growing relationship with my heavenly Father and I could not be more grateful to them for doing that!

When you go through foster care without any stability, you feel a lot of things. For instance, you feel a loss of self worth, you feel like you can never be loved, like no one in this world will ever care about you, and that you are just something that can be pushed around. Most people will think this experience would change us for the worse, and it does for some children. I, on the other hand, was blessed with meeting a family that helped me understand my emotions and behaviors and gave me the understanding to start my relationship with God!

Because of that, this experience has changed me for the better. I can honestly say that this experience was so hard in the moments of it happening, but looking back on it now I can see how it has made me see the world much more differently than most people do. I try to get to know the real person and not what people say about them. I also have a relationship with God that I wouldn't change for the world and I could not be happier to have that relationship.

So what about the families I left behind? I grew up and learned more about what happened when I was so young. I learned forgiveness and I’m working on a reconciliation. I talk to my biological mother now. She is 3 years sober and on her medication and doing so well! I could not be more proud of her and how well my mother is doing! I am in contact with all of my biological family from both my mother and my father’s side. I don’t know what happened to my stepfather, nor do I dwell on that as much. My present and my future are my focus now.

Can you judge me by my cover? I hope some of it you can. I hope I have grown stronger and more compassionate, so others can see that in me. But, I also know that I am still not ready to unveil the other side of my cover – the hidden story. My cover is important to me. I still don’t want to be judged by it.

Everyone has a story, a heartbreak, and something they do not share. We all have a “paper cover” over the hardback front of our story. One day I hope I will be able to take off my paper cover and be proud of my story. I know two adults who were foster kids and are now millionaires and leading a change for the foster care system. I want to be that type of inspiration too. I want to be proud of how I took my past and shaped myself to be a person that can positively change others lives too in the future.