No one tells you what depression really feels like. It's described as really sad, a moody person, one prone to crying, being upset for long periods of time, but tell me how are you supposed to know it's different when you feel like crying all the time?

I'm too young to be depressed and I mean I'm not suicidal or anything so I can't be depressed, I mean sometimes I wonder what it'd be like to die or to exist in just darkness or to not exist at all, but I mean I'm not depressed or anything. I've never picked up a sharp edge with the urge to hurt myself but sometimes I dig my nails into my skin and it feels so good but I mean I'm not bleeding or anything so I'm not depressed.

And even if I were to die it's not like anyone would miss me or anything, I mean I guess my family would cry and my friends would feel my absence so I guess I'm being selfish or something because it's not like my feelings matter, right? Because it's impossible to feel alone when you know people care about you, right? I mean, it's not like that's what depression is or anything.

It's not like depression is being too tired to get out of bed on not just Mondays but all days, and it's not like depression is staying in your pajamas for more than two days in a row, and it's not like depression is forgetting to eat, and it's not like depression is wishing you could get away from your own reality, and it's not like depression is escaping your own reality, and it's not like depression is knowing what you have to do to but you just can't do it, just do it, just do it, just get up and do it, what's the matter with you, it's like you're depressed or something.

I'm not depressed. I'm not crying. I don't wonder what it feels like to be dying but I do wonder what it's like not lying, not lying like it's second nature, no this smile on my face isn't a lie, I'm really fine, I'm fine, I'm fine because how can I be honest when I'm deceiving my own mind? I'm fine, I'm fine, I promise you I'm fine.