In elementary school, I aspired to be a writer. I was constantly dreaming about stories that I could later type up on my dad’s computer. I was a terrible writer seeing as though I was only in third grade, but I thought I was the next best selling author. My favorite class was always english but I hated it when the teachers told me how to write my stories. I always thought that my writing was perfect and what the teachers were telling me was just wrong. I usually just pushed away their advice and continued to write my incredibly poorly written stories.

My dad had a Dell laptop that I was constantly on. I used Microsoft Word to write a story every day. I was always so proud of them and I was crushed when my dad gave the laptop to my uncle without my permission. After that happened, I decided to just write in my composition notebook decorated with pictures of me and my family. We usually had time in class to do free writes. Always for my free write I would be writing my first “chapter book”. And by chapters I mean two paragraphs for each chapter. I worked on this “book” for weeks and weeks, spending all of my free time adding onto it. It was a love story about an nerdy, unpopular girl and the handsome star quarterback. I remember thinking about how original it was even though it was just like every Disney movie.

Well, elementary school passed and I was onto middle school where I still continued my love for writing and literature. This love was slowly fading through the years but it was still there. Then high school came. It’s sophomore year and this love is almost all the way gone. Writing so many essays for so many different classes turned writing from a fun way to express myself to incredible amounts of stress. My writing went from eventful, interesting stories to a bunch of random words put on a page at the last minute so I could turn it into my teacher.

As my love for writing was decreasing, my stress level was rapidly increasing. High school started an incredibly difficult time for me. More homework, more tests, more social anxiety, and most of all; more pressure. Pressure to write well written essays, to be friends with everyone, to get good grades, to do extracurriculars. It was all way too much for a fourteen year old to handle and I shut down. This was when my anxiety started and I felt like it was the end of world.

 
The workload of high school was way too much for me and I didn’t understand how everyone was handling it. This started the constant voice in my head telling me that I was just stupid and that I couldn’t do the things that were assigned to me. I thought it was just impossible and that I shouldn’t even try anymore because I simply cannot do it. My grades started going down the drain along with my positive attitude and my parents noticed.

I started staying home much more than normal. I’ve always kind of been an introvert but I was constantly in my room and I never wanted to go out and see people, even my best friends. I never understood why I was like this and I hated myself for it but I just couldn’t get over it. It has never completely gone away but it has definitely improved.

Now this isn’t a TV drama series where my life falls apart, it’s simply a young girl going through her teenage years and struggling with it. I understand that all adults have experienced how difficult teenage years can be, but I don’t think people realize how much the pressure and stress of high school can add onto the stress that is already there from hormones and teenage life in general. I’ve learned a lot about myself in high school, but I think one of the biggest things I’ve learned is that I don’t handle stress well. It is something I have been working on for a while but it is incredibly hard to handle the massive amounts of stress put on me every day.
I’m slowly trying trying to improve myself and my work in school but it is a constant struggle. I’m learning new things everyday that are helping me. I can’t say how many times I have wished that I was just that little inspired third grade author again, but I am happy with where I am now. Although it has been the hardest time of my life, it is a great learning experience and I am constantly bettering myself. And occasionally that third grader will come back to me and I will write my heart out and that is when I am happy.