I find myself being depressed more and more easily lately. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been laxing on my pills, ruminating over my girlfriend too much, procrastinating the hell out of my writing, or all of the above. Ever since graduation, life seems to be ramming responsibility and obligations down my throat, things to worry about, things to make your blood boil, your tears fall in waves, things to make you sit down in the corner of your room and think about what your life even means. There are a thousand doubts in my head at this very second. Allow me to share a few so you can know where I’m coming from and what I’m going through.
I’m a high school graduate with aspirations of becoming a big writer. What do I do about that? Say that I write a thousand words a day, but only write half as much a day, only to feel like crap that I even did that much the morning after.
I’m with an amazing and beautiful girlfriend. How do I feel about her? Paranoid. I feel like she’s out of my league. I’m a socially inept person, and the slightest screw-up when I talk to her is enough for me to spiral into a pit of depression for hours upon hours. Even after an amazing day with her, all I can think about is the little screw-ups I had throughout the day, rather than the much more plentiful moments of downright splendor that made up ninety nine percent of said day.
I rarely talk to my family anymore. All they are is white noise above my basement. White noise that I’ve been fighting with more and more lately. Either way, the white noise calms down, and I’m left wanting to get away from it at the end of the day. Me and my friends are going to get an apartment soon, seeing as how we all graduated. Or are we? They’re all busy, and they seem to be more focused on their own jobs rather than moving out within the next year.
Those are the big things on my mind right now, and you might be thinking that they’re the only reason I’m writing this right now. To vent, get off a quick paper on how depressed I am so others can see it, or maybe I’m just being another depressed teenager that likes to write about their anxiety and depression and put it online. There’s nothing wrong with that of course, but that’s not me. That’s not what I’m writing this for.
I’m writing this for me. I’m writing this because I know in the back of my head that these anxieties and depressions can only go so far in my own head. Soon enough I’ll be riding a happy wave through life with a smile on my face and my girlfriend and friends by my side. After that, the wave will crash, and I’ll be in a sad place once again. That’s how life works, and that’s what life is going to be for a while. And I’m fine with that.
I’m fine with it because I know one day I’ll be a successful writer. A huge, sprawling writer whose influence can be left for decades upon decades.
I know that in the future I’ll be with someone that makes me happy, someone that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with. Maybe, even hopefully, that person will be my current girlfriend, but don’t worry, I’m not going to let me get ahead of myself.
I know that even though my family is growing distant, I can still rely on them, even love them occasionally.
I know that even though my friends have been busy, they’re still what keeps me sane. I know I can rely on them to be some of the best people that could ever happen to me.
My point is something that everyone already knows, and that’s that you have to ride the waves of life. The ups and downs, to push through no matter what, knowing that life will get better. That’s why I’m writing this. I’m writing this because that’s the message that I need right now. I need to know that things will get better, and while I’m at it, I’ll let you, lucky reader, know that things will get better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s going to take a while, and life is still going to rock you where it hurts, and chances are that you’re not going to change a whole lot, but no matter what, if you keep going, you’ll accomplish what you want and get what you deserve out of life.
I hope I do.