When my parents split up I was too young to understand what was going on. I didn’t comprehend their reasoning, I didn’t realize the benefits, and I barely paid attention to the repercussions. It was around fifth grade when they told me. We were all eating dinner and then my dad broke the news. I didn’t cry, I don’t even remember feeling any emotion. I never express my feelings the way I probably should. I remember looking at how my sisters reacted; I usually just did everything they did. My middle sister, Alex, didn’t say anything either. She just stared at her salmon and brown rice with a blank face. I turned to my oldest sister, Jillian. Her eyes swelled up like balloons and tears started pouring down her red cheeks. I think she was the only one who actually understood what this meant. She was the oldest; she had grown up with my parents still together, now her whole life was turned upside down.  We finished our dinner like nothing even happened. I brought my plate back to the kitchen then went back into my room. Nothing seemed the least bit different, I thought there was going to be this dramatic change, but there wasn’t. I got into my pajamas, brushed my teeth, and then got into bed. I could hear Jillian from her room, she was crying so hard her whole room could have been shaking. “Should I be crying that hard?” I asked myself, “Is there something wrong with me, why aren’t I as upset?” I heard Alex go into Jillian’s room and climb into bed with her. They talked for a while but I couldn’t hear it, it just sounded muffled. Alex was always the most level headed out of us three, she knew what to say and when to say it. After about an hour Alex came back into our room and got into bed. I just stared through the darkness at the ceiling, I was so tiny that I barely took up half the bed and I felt cold and empty. I kicked off my covers, hopped off my bed and squeezed myself into Alex’s. Her bed felt better than mine, it was warm and cozy, but I think it was because we were together. We just sat there in silence holding each other. We didn’t know what was coming next but I don’t think we cared. This didn’t mean we wouldn’t still be a family; this didn’t mean my household, as I knew it was going to vanish. Things would be different but I knew we would get through it together. I knew as long as I had my support system I would be okay. 

     My parent’s divorce has affected me in so many ways, but mostly it has shaped me into the person I am today. I’ve learned so many things about myself as well as others around me. I’ve learned to be independent. Being on your own isn’t so bad sometimes, it’s actually healthy. You have to have the courage to do things by yourself and for yourself. People aren’t always going to be around to help you; they have other things to worry about. You can’t rely on other people to always be there for you. Know what you want and what you need to do to get there. Be self reliant and driven. I’ve learned that you have to be grateful for the people around you and to never take them for granted. Whither its family or friends be thankful that they are in your life and that they care so much about you. Make time for the things that are most important, prioritize your life and get rid of all the negative energy. If you don’t have a positive mind, you will never be able to move forward. I’ve learned that I need to let things go in order to be at peace with myself. Ever since my parents split, I’ve had many highs and lows. There have been times where I feel like nothing I do is ever right; I’ve felt that everything was my fault. I step back and take a look at how my parents and siblings must see me, and all I think about is disappointment. How I must have let them down, how I didn’t live up to any expectations they must have had for me. Or how maybe I, in some way, caused my parents to disagree and come to the conclusion that divorce was the best option. 

     I remember a lot from my childhood because of the situation that I was put in. I will always remember the day my dad moved out. Everyone in the house was gone expect for my dad and I. He spent the whole day packing up his things and loading them into the car. I sat on the couch the entire time, I guess I didn’t realize what was going on, or I just didn’t know how to react to it. My dad finally came out of the bedroom and into the living room, he dropped his bags and I could hear him take a deep breath. I didn’t take my eyes away from the TV screen, but I knew he was about to leave. He opened the door and I pulled my eyes from the obnoxious Disney show to look at him. I think it was the first time I had cried since my parents told me about the split. There was just something about my dad leaving, something that made it all seem finally real. I was so close to my dad we were practically twins. He was my best friend, and at age ten I felt like I was being abandoned. I got up from the worn in leather couch and gave him a hug. The hug felt normal. Like the ones you give your family before you leave for school, or saying goodbye to a friend once your play date is over. It felt casual, like we would see each other again in a couple of hours. After he left I went into the kitchen, grabbed a Popsicle, and sat back down on the couch and continued to watch my show.

I always felt like I was the odd one out, I felt so different compared to all my other friends. Their parents were still together, they didn’t understand what I was going through or why I wasn’t in the same situation as them. Then again, neither did I. I remember getting jealous of people with non-broken homes. I got angry, I kept wondering why this happened and “what did I do wrong.” I think I was most afraid of not being the same as everyone else. At the time I didn’t know anyone else who had divorced parents and I felt alone. I didn’t have anyone to turn to expect for my sisters, and I know that they felt the same way. Since they were older than me, they were much more worried about what people were thinking. I felt like there was this pressure to be perfect, this pressure to not show that anything was wrong, even though everything was basically falling apart. I felt so distant from my peers, I felt awkward and out of place, and I just wanted to hide.

At the time I didn’t realize it, but in the long run I’m glad my parents split up. I learned lessons that I probably wouldn’t have learned if they didn’t. I realized that your family is always there through everything, and that blood is thicker than water. I also learned that doing the things that are right isn’t usually going to please everyone, but that doesn’t matter. It made me a different person, I believe. It made me see situations from different people points of view; it made me understand that I wasn’t the only one who needed support. I look back on my life so far and I know everything has happened for a reason. I know that without those highs and lows, I wouldn’t be the person I am today, and I wouldn’t know so much about myself. I’m so grateful for my life right now and I don’t usually take the time to appreciate it. Always have faith in that whatever challenge life throws your way has been given to you for a reason; you have the strength to get through it.