Have you ever tried to help someone but you knew it would only make it worse? They say leave no stone unturned, but some stones have too much bottled up under them that they’re scared to let it go. They’re scared that letting go would leave them unturned, like a turtle trying to get back on its feet. You ask yourself if it’s truly worth helping someone out and potentially losing them, slowly, like a turtle walking away from you. You would not be able to stand there and watch as they slowly get more distant and forget you were ever there. Helping someone can be a tough task, you feel pressured to fix whatever the problem is. I know how it feels, because I turned that stone that I should of left unturned.

It was a few years back when I noticed my friend Lucas acting different. Instead of being outgoing, funny and clever he was acting shy and distant, like there was an invisible mountain between him and everybody else. One day I decided to help my friend and get through that mountain no matter what it took. Armed with “What’s wrong?” as my ice pick and “You can tell me anything.” as my rope I climbed the mountain, the way down was harder than I expected.

All I needed was one sincere question and all of his feelings poured out like a waterfall. It turned out that Lucas’ parents were going through a divorce and he had to choose between his two parents. He felt like a broken branch sewn onto a different family tree, he became a mixed drink of one part left alone and two parts tragedy. He came home everyday to silence and hatred coming from both sides of the house. I decided I needed to help my friend, it felt like an obligation. My approach was to “help” him decide who to live with. As far as I knew both of his parents were nice and welcoming. As we talked, he kept making excuses about his parents.

“But my dad gets mad kind of easily”
“My mom can kind of be a neat freak.”

Each excuse was leading closer and closer to nowhere. As Lucas kept comparing his parents I felt a knot growing in my stomach from realization of what I have gotten myself into. I realized I am helping him making a decision that will alter his life forever. I felt a droplet of sweat rush down my neck leaving a salty trail behind. I stood up from his comfy leather chair and made some poor excuse to go home so I could hide like a coward from something I started. When I got home I felt sick, like all of Lucas’ feelings transferred themselves into me at a rapid pace. I decided to go to sleep early and decide what to do the next morning.

I did not sleep that night.

Somewhere between breakfast and the drive to school I came up with an idea, a simple one, but it had to do. I had to tell him the truth. The truth that no matter what he picked, I could not make the decision for him. I hated the truth because I felt useless, like everything I ever did for Lucas never counted in the first place.

As I approached the our usual meetup spot right outside the cafeteria I felt the knot again, this time it felt like a storm was brewing inside. But I marched on, trying to not look at Lucas’ face as I approached. Finally, after what felt like a 5 mile walk I got to the end of the hallway and did my usual hand shake with him, my hands were sweaty and I knew he felt them. I took a deep breath, the kind that fills your lungs so well that it almost hurts. The words escaped my mind through my mouth with a slight stutter as if even they were nervous.

“Hey Lucas, listen, I thought about our conversation last night. I need to tell you that I cannot help you make the decision between your mom and your dad That choice is yours and yours alone, but no matter what that choice is I’ll be there every step of the way.”

I tried scanning his face for any clues of emotion, my first guess was going to be rage. But there was nothing, like a perfectly blank piece of paper. As we stood there I felt as if there was a gaping hole growing between us at that very moment, and I was about to fall in. Suddenly, something happened that took me off guard, Lucas smiles. Not the kind of toothy grin that someone has on their birthday. It was a smirk rolling across his face, a smirk of acceptance. He just patted me on the back signaling me to walk, so I did, I walked with him to his next class. We did not talk much but the silence felt good, almost as if the silence spoke a million words that did not need to be said.

Not now at least.