I miss him. There's not one day that goes by and I don't think about him. I should hate him. But I can't. There's something about him that exhilarated me. Something that I can't let go. That night wasn't spontaneous or special. It was planned and dirty. If I choose to remember it how it really was it would hurt. Hurt a hell of a lot more because I love him. I choose to remember him the way I saw him. Not what he did or who he thought he was. I see this guy, who is broken. Truly broken, but hides it. Hides his insecurities, the cold hard truths, the parts that hurt. The parts that might cut him to deep if he let those parts out. I saw him for who he truly was. Not the jerk he was made out to be. I saw him as intelligent. I treated him with respect even though he didn't do the same for himself. I look back and it hurts. Because maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I decide to tell myself all of these things bc it's easier to be in love with someone who is desirable, someone who needs to be loved, someone who just needs to love and believe in themselves. It's easier to love someone who is broken and hurt, then to love someone who truly is manipulative and a jerk. Maybe I'm only deceiving myself, and maybe I'll choose to go the rest of my life doing so. But I saw his broken parts and decided to love and accept them. Maybe because I saw a little bit of myself in him. Maybe I love and accepted him despite all the bad that's he's done because I can't do the same for myself and I couldn't expect anyone else to either. I miss him.