Dear who ever reads this or no one (but, probably Meghan),

I'm not gonna kill myself or harm myself if anyone from the school is reading this its just how I feel, but don't worry there are bigger problems you don't know about others.

The truth, you can say I'm pretty, kinda, loyal, amazing, and you love me, but you know there is someone you care about more than me.

Maybe, it's your family or friends, but if you had to pick me and someone else you love and which ever one you didn't pick would die; you wouldn't pick me and you know it and your telling yourself "no I would pick you," but you know deep down there's someone better.

My best friends, our group, there are five of us, there's is two pairs and I'm not apart of them. Yes, I know they love me and blah blah blah, and if one of them leaves I am there replacement, like always. My own sister would't pick me and I'm not talking about my step-sister, which she wouldn't pick me either, but my own half-sister doesn't talk to me anymore because she was mad at our dad. None of that side talks to me, I really don't care, but it is bullshit. Yes, you pick family over friends, but thats not what I mean. It just hurts so much to know that if I left it would be fine; yes, a couple tears of course, but no one would cry as much as for someone else, and I feel so selfish saying that cause all I can think about is my mom and my aunt, but I'm just tired of it; but they're stuck with me forever so it's okay. Today, I told my friends about how they have the pairs and I am a third wheel, some part of me died inside to actually say it. My best friend thats a guy, I have loved for three years, whether it was as a friend, brother, or more I don't know. But now, he acts like I'm in love with him and walks away like I am gross or something; He says "I shouldn't be picky," really me; you shouldn't be picky you have a great girl who would love you right in front of you and she's been here for three freaking years and you've played with here feelings along the way too and you know it. I would save you and I would do everything and anything, but I shouldn't and I'm so stupid. I wish to not have feelings for you or just let it all out on the table, but I freaking can't, nope because I don't matter I guess, I don't know if I am just telling myself that or if it is true. I am such a positive person trying to save people, but I was only strong because I blocked out i latterly blocked every feeling out; until Meghan came she told me I am supposed to feel and I should care about myself, so now I cry and I talk about my feelings and I try to do stuff about it (no I don't), it sucks.

All those people I help too, I could do it for years tell them every thing that could possibly help them, but I could never actually save them. Some random person could say two words and the person I was helping would be fixed just with a snap and no credit would be gone to me, probably not even a thanks. I will never stop helping others because they deserve to live, but I am conceded and full of myself so.

He also I think told me that I'm not thankful for my life; you know how much bullshit that is and I was just helping him too, what the heck, you don't know me, you might know parts and bits; but you don't know what eats me inside, why I cry at night, my biggest fears, you don't know the half of me. And you think you some wise man because you got your heartbroken, yeah I feel like s*** that she did that and it's f***ed up, but I did and still do everything I can to help you, so don't be a jerk. You control everything, well f*** you, yeah I cussed good f*** yourself, for once I am gonna take charge of my life and do what I want, I really don't care if its conceded or if what I want is stupid it's my life, which I guess I don't appreciate. I know probably tomorrow I'm not gonna change and everything in that last sentence I won't do, but it's hope, that's what gets me through, I have a crazy stupid amount of hope, oh well. I'm sorry that I don't say hi to everyone and hug them and everyone doesn't love me, that I'm a bad person sometimes, choking up, being bad at stuff and all that other bad s***, but I'm not sorry for not being perfect. And I am myself, I can't really change that so… I love to sing and people tell me to quiet down, they don't pick me for a part, but on the other hand I am told I am good, so who knows who to believe. I love to write obviously and it's not hard either, I've never been told negative, but my content probably would make people hit me if they read it, but most people don't care so. Those two things express feelings I just can't say and take the burden out, at least for a little bit. I just want to be good enough and/or not be bad at everything, no have someone better than me, every time. And there is more, but I guess I can't let myself say or type or express them yet so.. But one day it might be different, so for now the good even if it's little is amazing and makes life so worth it. I really didn't want this to end on a happy note, I kinda wanted someone to be worried… Oh well, I have myself so….