I’ve never been good with time management. I always think, Oh, there’s not enough hours in the day, but, in truth, I never apply the time that I have to the truly important matters that require it. There is nothing in the world that I’m better at than digging myself holes, and I constantly find myself struggling to pull myself out of them. I’d give anything to eliminate procrastination from my life, but I have to start with the actions I take. Procrastination will be the death of me and it’s time for change.

I waste my time on activities I enjoy and push my priorities off to the side. I always promise myself that I have more time and that I can enjoy myself for now. Eventually, I do ‘find’ the time to get what I need to done. This is usually last minute, but I always have faith that it will work out. I mean, it has to, right? I stand in my self-made pit, staring up at those walking at ground-level and feel stuck, and I hate myself for digging so deep. I feel as though my heart is growing too tired to handle it anymore, defeated by worry, regret, and Red Bull, but press my fingers to my throat and feel a quick beating pulse. At least the adrenaline is keeping it up. I wonder if maybe it’s the only thing keeping me going-the fear of the storm heading my way.

Time-I’m out of it. I feel the darkness of my worries settling in my mind and I feel I’ve failed myself. I don’t know why I do this. I’m miserable, sick, and exhausted. My opportunities are setting behind the mountain and I chase after them, but the distance appears too much for my short legs. Will I make it in time? Unlike the other times I’ve procrastinated, I’ve landed myself in a very sticky situation. I’m sitting in my college dorm, completing assignments for my high school courses, and I’m realizing just how bad of a situation I’ve put myself in. I’m terrified.

I don’t want to be this way and I know I need to change. But how does one go about changing their character? We’ve grown up being told that we should be ourselves; to never lose who we are. Procrastination has become my identity. I can’t remember the last time I completed something in a decent time. I know this feeling all too well. I could laugh and say that I’ve learned my lesson, but have I? This isn’t the first time I’ve procrastinated on homework until the very last minute. I swore to myself that I would do better last year, yet here we are.

I’ve been looking at it the wrong way, though. It isn’t about changing myself, but changing my actions. I need to stop wasting my time. I need to stop letting myself down. I can’t change the unwillingness and laziness; at least, not yet. For now, I can do what I can-encourage myself to do better and try. I think to myself, maybe I haven’t been trying. I will do better this year. I’m using my free time to finish up my final class, and will use this time in the future to complete my homework for my college courses. Occasionally, I look out the window and think about going for a nice drive and maybe exploring the town, but I remind myself of what is at stake. I’m here, exactly where I’ve been dreaming of being since the age of 12. I’ve made friends and fallen in love with where I live. This is where I belong, and I need to work my butt off to keep it. While I need to work on doing better, there’s something else I’ve been neglecting. I haven’t given myself the chance to breathe - and I need to forgive myself, because if I’m not on my own side, who will be? I am my best asset, my biggest supporter (though my mom would disagree), and I am my own greatest love. I think people underestimate the power of loving oneself. I refuse to fail myself this year and in the years to come. I will do better. I will.