I guess the world is different than it used to be, I live in the stories I read and write. I am a character in the movies or TV shows I watch. Just because reality isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I guess you could say that I just haven’t lived outside of my imagination, and honestly I have tried hard not to when I’m at home. I live in planets far from Earth and further from my problems then some might consider necessary. People who try to drag me back to earth get a smile that is a frown in disguise. It is literally in disguise. It takes 12 muscles to smile, only 11 to frown...sometimes I wonder if there will be a time that I just stop smiling entirely. I am that person that eventually, maybe slowly, but surely gets replaced. Other girls talk of the boyfriends they have had that reach to the double digits, I talk about the friends I’ve had in my life that barely reach a dozen. I’ve thought about it, you know? Dying...wondering if anyone would care. At first I thought it was a one time thing that those urges would arise, then a year later (exactly a year) they resurfaced. It really isn’t something you’d expect from an honors student teenager, but it’s there nonetheless.

It was tempting at first, there were a hundred ways I could have done it. I listed every single way, every single person who wouldn’t care, every single reason...it took up all of 13 pages in an old notebook. Page by page painstakingly writing a name, a reason and a way.

A name. A reason. A way.

I am a high schooler, I am not popular, I’m not looking for a pity party. Then I received my SAT Prep scores, and I found an old deck of cards. The results of my test was 99%, 97% and 98%, for math, reading, and writing. I learned magic and went around to show the tricks at school, the reactions I got made me genuinely happy. I started laughing and smiling again. I found new reason to live, my cards and my mind. I swear I will become somebody, if not for me than for everyone who tried to bring me down. I will not allow you to win. I will succeed, and I will make sure you remember my name and be proud that you knew me.

I promise.

Oh, and I burned that old notebook :)