Sitting there, in companionable silence, on top of the set of hard, cold granite bleachers, property of the “friendly environment” when in reality, there’s nothing more than lies, cheats, and judgment. Just listening to the whispers in the wind on a chilly November day, you can feel the cool breeze on your face and neck and hear the buzz of peoples voices off in the distance. But none of that mattered; it had no importance to me because what I was facing was far more time worthy. For in that time frame, with her, a life changing decision has brought itself to the surface,

Unsure of what to do, think, feel or say, I was at an unmentionable end. I stopped picking at the granite steps under me, wipe my hands off on my pant legs and look up into her bright fearful eyes. Her eyes so beautifully soulful yet she doesn’t even believe she has a chance at a soul, this pain me. To me her eyes are the passage to her soul and to what she truly feels and not the mask of imperfections she puts forth for the world to see instead of her damaged soul. I can see that she’s terrified but she also feels lost, abandoned, and ashamed. I can tell this by the way she holds herself together as she breaks eye contact and refuses to meet my gaze once more.

She’s my best friend. She’s the only one who knows EVERYTHING about me, the only one who cares enough to be there when I need someone, the only one who hasn’t left no matter how difficult the situation. I couldn’t possibly hurt her4 anymore than she already is. She’s practically dying inside. But, what about me? Can I really make this life altering decision? Whether I choose to accept or deny the opportunity; I need to be positive that it’s fair. I just can’t let this one time opportunity pass me by and hurt her but also I just can’t agree to it just to make her happy. I’ll be living a lie and that wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I need help for I solely can’t decide.

I rest my hand atop her right shoulder and push it gently backward till she’s halfway facing me again. “Tuttle, do you want to talk about?”

She sighs sadly and looks at me but quickly glances away. “What is left to talk about? I already know it’s not going to happen.”
“But what do you want to happen? How can I make u happy?” I ask this persistently, for I have to know the answer I need to know how I can make her happy or if I even can.

“Well, I don’t want our friendship to be destroyed, although I probably just screwed it up by opening my stupid mouth. But its… it’s just… what do you want more than anything else when you like someone?”

“To be with them?”

She turns back towards me and gives me a look that says ‘nah duh” and replies, “A lot.”

It was in that moment, that time, so fairy tale like, seems to stand perfectly still and my heart called out to me. I loved her and I had for a while, I had just never realized it nor took the time to put the pieces together. I knew what my answer would be, because that’s what my heart wanted. But in that moment, it all made sense; why I worried about her so much, the reason I was so defensive of her, why she was so different than my average friends. It was all because she was different, she was more.

At that very second, when all my thoughts and newly discovered feelings became recognized, is when the bell rung, signaling the end of school. Getting up from my place on the bleachers and walking the pathway to the bus stop, is when a crazy and dangerous idea came to mind. I had fastened my pace and walked up beside Tuttle and hugged her, although I knew she wasn’t the hugging type nor did she particularly like any form of physically contact. So it was a shocking but pleasing surprised when she hugged me back.

“You didn’t destroy our friendship Tuttle, I promise. And as for our situation, I want you to be happy.” I tell her this in a low, caring voice. Hopping she understands exactly what I’m saying. Because im just about certain that if her pain is my pain, then too, her joy will be my joy.
My decision is one from both the heart and mind. I took the chance to make two hearts happy, not even caring what judgment I’ll have to face later. Because it didn’t matter, that was the hardest but bust decision I have ever made in my life and its one I’ll never regret.