Life is filled with moments that construct who we will be in the future. Whether it is a simple chance encounter with an old friend or a heart wrenching experience; these moments impact the entirety of our existence. There was a moment of impact that took my world and tossed it down a perpetual, dirt filled pit; the moment that nearly dug my grave.

There was a time period when I was content with life, for the most part. I had a strong circle of friends by my side, my family life was on the rise; life was good. I recently struggled with a nasty break up but I was managing to pick myself up; find the light at the end of the tunnel. I was young and I enjoyed the feeling of power and satisfaction upon seeking revenge against those who wronged me. That is where she came into the picture: the “rebound” to drive a mere, ignorant boy to the brink of insanity. Little did I know karma was planning to run a full circle through my life; you get what you give.

Living in the age of technology, where social media sites consume most of our lives, it was not surprising that our first encounter was over Myspace comments and then escalated from that to text messages. Judging from our conversations she was a sweet and humorous person. She was full of jokes and always cared to know how I was doing. After weeks of text messages between the two of us we arranged to meet face to face. It must have been August or September because I can still remember the heat from the suns’ rays causing my body to perspire. She made the insane decision to ride her bicycle the entire journey to my house, which took around a half hour. When I finally spotted her pedaling around the curve in the road just a few minutes from where I was standing, I smiled in excitement. My stomach was an Olympic gymnast; somersaulting and cart wheeling with nerves. The exact moment that she arrived in front of me, she threw her bike across the road and pulled me into the biggest hug. It was the kind of hug every person desires; full of passion and warmth. Upon meeting her in person, many different parts of her personality surfaced. She was bashful and blushed easily, especially if you complimented her. She still contained the same humor and caring heart that was revealed through her text messages. She proved herself to be a true sweetheart and that day was one of the best I had in quite some time. Soon after that first day, friendship blossomed into romance.

The first month of our time together could be compared to that of a cliché Disney film; the passionate romance that lacks any trace of flaw. I was finally pleased with where my life stood, until the day something in her changed. It came like a fatal bullet from the barrel of a gun, in the hands of a best friend. Once we entered the second month of our relationship, rage and jealousy replaced the care and humor she displayed in the beginning. She was violent and controlling; something I had never seen in her before. It was during this month that the walls of my life came caving in. I remember waking up that morning to her face because I had stayed the night the previous day. We argued a lot during that time, but we worked things out in the end; settled our differences. It was just like any other day; the sun was shining in the sky, the birds were chirping, and everyone was going about their usual tasks. I suppose all tragedies happen on seemingly ordinary days. Once she awoke from her rock-like slumber, we made our way to the kitchen for breakfast. I remember seeing her sister in the living room watching television before we returned to the privacy of her bedroom. Privacy is often desired in a relationship; if only we were not granted that privilege. Much of what occurred after we shut the door to her bedroom is a blur to me still, with the exception of that moment of impact. We had finished our food and were laying together, hand in hand, watching television when she suddenly sat up. She had a playful gaze as she began to kiss and tickle me. When we made eye contact again, the look in her eyes had changed. I cannot pinpoint a word to describe what was in her eyes, all I can remember is the fear it instilled in me. My heart was screaming run but my body was frozen. As I was lying on her bed, I felt her begin to grab at my pants; unbuttoning them as easily as a great white ripping apart its prey. I began to squirm and try to maneuver away but she would not allow it. I said no and told her to stop over and over, but that did not matter to her. She removed every bit of clothing I had been wearing and it was at that point that I shut off my emotions. I just laid there, a helpless creature in a vegetative state, as she raped me. From that day onward our relationship was a faulty rocket spiraling downward. That last month was filled with tears and heartache. I cannot provide a reason why I stayed in the relationship after the events of that morning; I ask myself each day why I did. I have come to the realization that I convinced myself it did not happen, that I had consented to the actions that took place; my mind’s way of dealing with the traumatic experience. Our relationship ended with her telling me to leave her because “maybe it won't hurt as much.” In the end, I believe it hurt more that I was the one who had to leave because she wanted out, but did not have the guts to do it. Following that event, I spent months drowning in depression. Each day was a constant battle for my sanity as I began cutting again. There were periods of time when I would lose all hope, and I would attempt to end my life; each attempt failed. I believe there was a reason for those failures. Each moment of impact, positive or negative, provides lessons about life and oneself.

I now know that first impressions are not everything; what a person chooses to show during the first few encounters may not be their true character. She was one of the sweetest people I had ever met that first month and then she revealed the monster inside. First impressions are all about looking as good as gold. Because of her, I will not judge a person based on the way they present themselves in the beginning. I struggle to trust people and their true intentions. Trust is earned, not given. Ultimately, the experience I had with her showed me that I am a stronger person than I thought I was. Here I am, nearly three years later, in a healthy and beautiful relationship. At the time of the incident I felt that there was no way to go on living life, I hated myself and did not think I deserved to live. No matter how much I wanted to end everything, there was a tiny voice inside telling me not to give up; to keep living. I am terrified of loving another human being; taking the risk of my heart being ripped to shreds. Love should be viewed as something beautiful, not treacherous. I have not been the same person since that day and I believe I never will be the same. The person I was then is a balloon that slipped from the grasp of a small child; never to be seen again. I have given much thought to what I would say to her if the chance ever arose. My words are like a knotted necklace, tangled with no clear direction.

Each day I wonder how many flashbacks I will get, how bad they will be, how long they will last, and so on. I am haunted by what she did to me both in my sleep and my wakefulness; if it is not a nightmare, it is a flashback. Some days I can recall the feeling of her touching me; her soft hands inspecting my body. I instantly become nauseous and tears form in the corners of my eyes. I hate her, not only for what she did, but for telling people I was crazy; that she never did such a horrible thing. There are days when I wish we had never met, but I would not know the things I do today if it were not for our encounter. I hope that one day she wakes up and that morning crosses her mind. I want her to realize what she did and how wrong it was. The biggest question I have for her is how; how can a human being violate another human being’s privacy without a second thought? I do not believe I will ever be granted an answer to any of my questions, but maybe she has given them thought in her own mind. My world nearly fell apart like a rotting tree in the hands of a single girl. The trust she had built with me during that first month was destroyed as quickly as a balloon that was penetrated by a dart. I created countless walls inside myself to keep others out; pushing them far away to avoid hurting any more.

Although the experience was traumatic and I often wish I could forget it ever occurred, it taught me many lessons about life and myself. The moments of our lives that matter most are the ones that we gain something from. It is okay to wish the tragic moments never occurred, but never forget the lessons they offered. With each passing day, I am thankful that my suicide attempts were not successful. I am a stronger person now, with a brilliant support system of friends and family at my side. No one ever said that life would be easy, but it is definitely worth it.
You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.