I had been looking forward to tonight all week, but now, I just wanted to go home. I was in the light booth with Nikki and we were testing the programs during the dress rehearsal. Nikki noticed I was acting a little strange. I mean, after all, I felt like my life was falling apart. I told her I was fine but sure enough she didn't believe me and asked again a few minutes later. I figured I might as well satisfy her enough to where she left me alone. It didn't go quite the way I thought/ wished it would. I told her that my parents had taken my sharpies, what had I done? Her expression hardened as she asked to see my arm. I didn't dare stir, until she asked again.

“Lex, give me your arm.” Nikki held her hand out. I surrendered my left arm to her. She rolled my sleeve up and found nothing. She asked for my other one. Again, I hesitated, and she repeated herself. I rested it in her grip as I looked as far away from her as I could. She dropped my arm after she saw the two clean, fresh cuts near my wrist. “Why?” Was all she said, I couldn't answer.

All I could think of was last night when I was laying on my floor listening to my parents argue about how there’s something wrong with me. There wasn't, was there? They didn't know though, they thought it was something else. I stared at the floor while wishing I could cut again, right there. She was making me feel terrible. Nikki should have known better than try to guilt me. Why doesn't she try to help me instead? I didn't hear much of what she said due to how I already had so much on my mind from earlier. I do remember one thing though.

Nikki said, “You know one of the reasons I liked you so much was because I thought you were smart enough not to do this.” again, another hurtful blow from a friend.

If only she knew. I thought to myself. I could feel the knot in my throat appear and I defiantly felt all my emotions building up, but as usual, no tears. Normally I would get them out by different standards, but I couldn't, not then. We sat in silence until the run through was done, and then I spoke. I told her that Madison had found out and was threatening to go to guidance if I did it again. Nikki was happy about that but I knew she was still pissed at “my stupidity” as she put it.

I wanted to tell her that it was the fifth time I’d ever cut and why I did it but she wouldn't listen. The play itself was amazing though. I watched it the whole way though trying to forget the fact that Nikki knew that I had harmed myself yet again. The lights went smoothly, for the most part. I hit the go button early, and the lights turned on in the middle of set up, it was impossible to hide. Once again something was my fault, it’s always my fault, every time, everything. Nikki was already stressed and I don’t think I made it any better. So I sat there, silent.