When I was in third grade, my life changed drastically. I was playing on the monkey bars with my best friend, Kevin, when the idea of jumping to the middle bar rushed into my head--a childhood risk. Without hesitation, I decided, ‘Why not try it?’ As if I were a bird, I flew off the ladder toward the middle of the monkey bars. My hands gripped the blue, course bar, and I felt accomplished for a split second. Losing grip as I swung forward in momentum, my hands slipped off the bar; consequently, my feet flung above my head as I fell from the sky to the ground.

I woke up with a distinct taste of blood in my mouth, and a bright, scarlet laser was digging into my eyes like a gravedigger would dig a hole. In an act of discomfort and confusion, I opened my eyes and attempted to move off of the cold, metal surface table underneath me. My body was chilled, and goosebumps covered nearly every inch of skin. “Taylor, just close your eyes for me,” a voice from the heavens continually rang as my conscience floated around the room like a spirit. I drifted back into unconsciousness and into the hole.

On my bed at home hours later, I woke up with a stinging headache and a mouth full of blood: my first concussion. With a bruise on my head, I lisped when I spoke because I bit my tongue when I hit the hard, gravel ground. The pain revisited me quite often in the few months after the incident, which is a normal occurrence following a concussion. My parents kept constant watch over me, and I missed school for almost a week because of headaches. When I stood up for too long, I would become dizzy and faint to the ground. Even today, the dizziness returns, and I’ll blackout for more than five minutes at a time. The after-effects of the concussion led up to my increasingly absent memory.

Unfortunately, there are two memories I have between the fifth grade: jumping for the bar and waking up during the CAT scan. Memories from my childhood have been lost forever, and even recent memories leave me, which frustrates me even more. Movies, important events, and school lessons are close to impossible for me to remember due to my short term memory loss. Anxiety and stress are continual disasters I must endure every day because I can’t remember the simplest of terms, even if I study for hours. Between work, school, and relationships, it seems there’s too much for my broken mind to work with, so many of life’s details escape me.

The concussion affected the way my brain works today. Living with this handicap makes me feel incomplete and worthless, and I give up on simple matters because I can’t complete a thought. When I struggle with obtaining memories, I sometimes become angry and stressed and give up altogether. My lack of memory is frustrating and infuriating, and my anxiety creates an even more intense, strenuous conflict. There is nothing I can do about my memory problem, and I have to live with this handicap for the rest of my life. If I could have one wish, I wouldn’t make the jump for the middle bar, so I can have my memories back.