So I was sitting at the lunch table the other day with my friends, and somehow we got on the topic of chocolate. Each one of my friends was all excited and like, “Ooh! I absolutely love chocolate!” But me? Uh uh. I couldn’t even join in the conversation because, well…in all honesty and truth, I absolutely abhor chocolate. In other words, I hate the stuff. When I told my friends that, they all looked at me like I was crazy. Not to mention they were calling me crazy and weird and asking how I lived without it. But seriously—how could they live with it?

Most girls go all googoo gaga when they receive chocolate as a gift from their boyfriend or whatever. Not me. Whenever I get chocolate as a gift, I wrinkle my nose and pretend to be ever so grateful. When I get home, these are my exact words: “Trashcan! Here I come!” And every little chunk of that icky chocolate falls from my hands straight into the trash. No lies. I can’t even begin to count the crazy things I’ve done when chocolate was given to me as a gift.


When I was seven, the Easter Bunny left a chocolate bunny on my nightstand. I played with it; I stared at it; I even considered eating it (and gagged at the thought of it). I did everything but eat it. Ultimately, it ended up in the trash, along with the rest of my chocolate gifts.

Then there’s Halloween candy. I’ll dump it all out on the floor and search for the goods. I’m talking about the Starbursts and Skittles and SweetTarts. The fruity stuff. Not that gooey brown yukiness the rest of the world is in love with. That stuff—I feed it to my favorite chocolate eating monster, otherwise known as the trash can. In the end, I only end up with like five pieces of candy. Life sure is hard when you’re not a chocolate fanatic.

I used to be in gymnastics, and every time we learned a new skill, our coach would give us a chocolate bar. The harder the skill, the bigger the chocolate bar was (and when I say big, I mean huge! Not just some puny king sized version). It was a great reward of course—for chocolate lovers. I earned at least twenty chocolate bars from gymnastics. I even got a white one once. Guess where they are now? Nope. Not the trash surprisingly. The fridge. Each and every last one of them. They had sentimental value so I had to keep them. I wouldn’t dare throw away the memories. Who knows how old they are now…

I’ve gotten rewarded with chocolate in school a bazillion times, and guess what? I threw it out a bazillion times. Or I gave it to some random kid in the hall. Either way, I got rid of the stuff.

Then there’s my famous candy selling box. We did a fundraiser for marching band and we were selling boxes of candy (filled with chocolate, may I add). Everyone else sold their candy out of the plain old box it came in. Me? I was different of course. I decorated my box with candy wrappers! There was every type of chocolate candy imaginable advertised on my box. I was constantly asked where I got all the wrappers from, and that’s when I told them about the time I got an Easter basket filled with random mini chocolate bars and how I unwrapped all of them, threw the chocolate in the trash, and used the wrappers to my liking. You can probably imagine their reaction. Yeah. Shocked. Not to mention I got a lot more “you’re crazy,” and “you’re weird,” compliments. Got to love those.

Sometimes I wonder what chocolate tastes like to other people. What makes it so good? Because frankly, I just don’t get it. All the stuff that makes people love it is what makes me hate it. Call me weird, call me crazy, but those are those cold hard facts. I hate chocolate. And chocolate ice-cream. I don’t care what anyone else says. That stuff is just nasty.

So next time you hear the phrase “everybody loves chocolate,” and you agree with it, just remember people like me and their chocolate eating monster trash cans. I’m sure you’ll change your mind after that.