I’m a surrogate of secrets. Somewhere within me is a woman of strength who wants to take over, but I cannot let that happen, not yet? I’m not sure I’m quite ready. She’s been fighting me lately though, slowly slithering her way through my defenses. I can sense her tiring of the silence, her desire for me to take off the mask. We both are tired. But I can’t just yet. However, it is out of fear, and I’m a big girl now. For 12 years I’ve kept a secret close to my damaged heart. I was molested for years as a child.

I didn’t understand at the time the full extensity of what was going on, and I won’t share specific details. At that time, I thought she had been my totally awesome, older friend. To her, I was the little lost puppy she could have fun training. And to love and abuse. She had taught me about sex, what to do, why it was so much fun, why we had to stay quiet while we “played” so our parents wouldn’t hear us in the next room. Our “play dates” lasted for three years, but then I got the sex talk from my mom when I turned 9.

My world had been flipped upside down. I’d learned I was doing things I shouldn’t be doing. I didn’t tell her what my friend had been making me do because I was afraid mom would be disappointed in me, perhaps yell at me for my stupidity. Instead, I stopped “playing” with my friend, and the family later moved away. After that, the joyful little girl I had been began to feel a little hollow inside as the days went by, destroyed by the knowledge that my innocence I could have save was long gone and I could never have it back.

I’d been used, warped to satisfy some girl’s need. I hated her, I hated myself. I hated people. I no longer trusted the rest of humanity. I kept my feelings and my secret to myself. For years, I would panic if somebody tried to hug me or hold me hand. I also detest footsy. I became somewhat of a loner, and I felt like a loser because what normal girl has a problem with people giving her hugs?

However, I had gained some awesome friends in middle school, and slowly it became somewhat easier for me to receive hugs, though today I still rarely give out hugs. I was able to confide in some of my friends, finally admitting my dirty little secret to part of the world. They completely understood, and they’ve helped me out a lot. I trust people a little more nowadays too. Not everything has changed though.

The hate is still there, the sadness in my soul that won’t go away. There is not a single day that goes by and I do not think about her and what she has done to me, how she warped what could have been a far more amazing life than what I’ve got now. There are also days that I wish one of our parents had caught us or figured out was going on. How could a parent not notice their child acting differently from normal to happy to anti-physical and question what could have led up to that?

I cannot blame my family though because I know it is my fault for not understanding, for letting her do those things to me. My dad and brother do not even know. It took me 11 years just to tell my mom, and she was so upset when she learned the news. I remember the look of hurt and disappointment and confusion on her face when I told her that I was bi, and I’m not sure it is because of my past.

Though my life has shaped up since then, I still fear intimacy, fear letting somebody take advantage of me, and fear what it means for future relationships. Not many guys want damaged goods, and I’m not sure how many girls are ok with it either.

There’s at least one uplifting part of my story. What she did to me made who I am today, and if given the chance to go back in time and stop it all, I wouldn’t. Life is always changing, pain heals with age, and we learn from our mistakes. If I have come over some of my fears, maybe I can get over the rest of them. I’m a smarter girl now, a stronger girl, a more forgiving girl than I was back then. Everything happens for a reason, everybody has struggles at some point in their lives. We’re all connected as we live out our cycles.

If I happen to run into somebody, through fate, who has happened to read this, I shall give them a hug to show that I do grow stronger and stronger with every day. One day I’ll be Kaila, and not the surrogate, and both I and the girl inside me will be free at last.