Your eyes meet across the room. He tilts up the corner of his mouth, and you swoon. He is an Abercrombie & Fitch poster come to life; hair perfectly tousled, a shaggy mane sweeping like a blonde wave across his forehead, brushing thick eyebrows. His blue eyes pierce you; you feel chills down your spine, like someone just ran ice down your back. You love it. You look away coyly, silently begging the gods of fortune to let you have this one, to please, please let this paragon of men be your ‘one’. You look back up, quickly, just to glance at him again, his face like chocolate on your tongue. To your delight, he is still looking, a full-on grin overtaking those divine features. He straightens up, begins to walk in your direction. Your heart rate increases, the pounding coming loud and strong through your chest. You lose sight of him for a second in the crowd, and your blood ices over. Is he gone? Has he lost interest? You scan the masses frantically, neck stretching, perspiration beading on your lip. Your brows furrow, defeated. He’s gone. You were stupid enough to thin-
He’s coming! Within four feet of you, and approaching fast. Oh lord, he is even more gorgeous up close. Perfection personified. He comes to a stop in front of you, stifling a Crest-white smile. Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his ripped jeans, shaped to fit his muscular thighs, he directs his gaze towards you. You become flustered, bumbling. When asked of your name, you reply in a high falsetto, coughing awkwardly to clear your throat while reciting an inner mantra of ‘pull yourself together’. You exchange pleasantries; his hands eventually creep out of his pockets to sway in the open air, while you fiddle with your jewellery, your eyes darting around the room to see if anyone is witnessing your conversation with such a beautiful specimen of man. Eventually, there comes a lull in the conversation. Wracking your brain for an interesting topic, you alight upon an appropriate subject.
“So. Do you read?”
He chuckles. It is an ambiguous laugh; not condescending, but not self-depreciating.
“No.”
Oh. You see.
“Do you like any sort of music?”
Not a reader, fine. You can deal with that. Who says you have to read to be intelligent? Perhaps he’s a musician; acoustically talented as opposed to literarily informed.
“Whatever’s on the radio, I guess.”
Scratch music-maker. You’re getting desperate. He can’t...he can’t be...
“So what do you like to do?”
Please. Something. Anything.
“I dunno. Play football, hang out, drink beer. Normal stuff, you know?”
You sigh. You had a premonition about this, but you were too damned optimistic. He is one of them. They frequent every corner of the world, dazzling women with their smiles while storing liquor in their hollow skulls.
He stares at you, waiting for a follow-up. This breed of man doesn’t ask questions; they expect to be interrogated, to remain superior in the face of hordes of girls questioning their identities, their availability. You mustn’t let them.
You begin the courtship with an intricate game of hide-and-go-text. You let him chase you virtually, remaining in absolute radio silence as he hunts you down with increasingly frantic phone messages. When you do meet, leave no time for conversation, as you well know he won’t have any. Try activities where the attention is diverted onto a third medium; theme parks, movies, sports games. Avoid any talking; this may involve physical manoeuvres such as:
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Kissing
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Hugging
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Eating
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Duct-taping his mouth
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Slipping roofies into his drink
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Saying “Look! Fifty percent off at Hollister!” and running away as his back is turned
If you are inextricably stuck in an awkwardly silent situation, here are some easy topics that the simpleton might have a lonely idea or two about:
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Food (this may lead to an excursion to a restaurant, which would exempt you from further elaboration on the topic)
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Sports (he may go on and on about his favourite teams, most successful plays, etc. Pretend to listen intently, nodding your head occasionally and making sympathetic ‘mmm’ noises.)
•
Video Games (even if he denies it at first, all men play video games. Once you get past that hard outer shell of “coolness”, he will admit to having played Halo, and wax not-so-eloquent on its pros and cons)
•
Simple literature (books such as Winnie the Pooh, Where Do All the Busy People Go? and The Little Engine That Could are appropriate discussion material.)*
With these tips in mind, you will be able to deal with your dashing but dense partner. But keep it brief. This specimen of male does not improve as he matures; in fact, he is liable to worsen. So have your fun, then set him loose. But make sure to point him in the direction of his home. Wouldn’t want him to wander around all night.