When I was in the first grade, I took everything literally. I believed in grown-ups and their infinitive wisdom. But what I didn’t realize was that adults lie. My first grade teacher, Mrs. Wu, told her students that they could be anything they wanted to be, they could go anywhere they could imagine, and that the world was at their fingertips, waiting for their dreams and desires to unfold and manifest. But sadly, I know now that that is not always true. When I was younger, I had so many delusions of the future-I wanted to be a rock star, a chef, an astronaut. I dreamed of falling in love with Prince Charming, having a big, beautiful wedding, and an easy life. I was a foolish child. What I didn’t understand then was that the world revolves around money-not love, happiness, peace, or any of the things they fill first graders with.
Ignorance truly is bliss. Now that I’m older and I am aware of this fact, I am crushed. I know that my dreams can never be fulfilled, that I can never become what I always set out to be. I want to be a doctor, an astronaut, a writer, an FBI agent, or SOMETHING, ANYTHING that will benefit the world and make me proud. But in reality, I know I could never afford Medical School, or probably even college, for that matter. So I am slipping, weighed down heavily with the imposing future. I still have a few years to figure it all out, but I am awfully anxious. And what of my dreams? Knowing that I am going to have to give up my dreams makes me so sad, I want to cry. I can’t be an astronaut, a doctor, or a writer. I probably won’t even be able to attend college after high school. I want to make a difference in the world, I want to help people, I want to have the OPPORTUNITY to dream. I wish I could have held onto that elementary bliss for a few years longer, or that I could know what to do with my future. All that I wish is that those people who have the chance to go to college, and get the education I’m not sure I will ever receive, and those who are given all of the knowledge I thirst for, hold fast to it, and never let it go.

In the first grade, I had dreams. I didn’t worry, and I had peace. Unfortunately, now I lay in bed until the early morning hours, unable to sleep because I am afraid to dream. I lay awake at night nit-picking what I have done, and what I will fail to do in the future. I long to fall asleep filled with the bliss of a solid future, of a simpler time, when I could believe in dreams. But I am frightened to allow myself the luxury of dreaming, when I image it could all tumble down around my ankles like Janga blocks when someone pulls out the wrong piece of the tower.