i lie awake every night wishing it never happened.
i wander if you relise what you have done to me.
i silently scream in pain as i awake from my taunting nightmares.
i still smell you i still see you.
you engraved yourself onto my mind.
i was 14 so inocent ,so pure.
you made me believe i was clean dirt!
i suffer panic attacks when i am hugged to tight because i see your face laughing and smell your vile prescence.
i will never forget that daunting night but you knew i wouldnt; maybe that was what gave you the thrill about it.
i will never be normal again.
you and the bullys ruined me, what did i ever do to anyone which was so wrong?
you will never know how i feel because you will never be a victim but always a disgusting horrible man!
in my nightmares i re-live the trauma. the way you flung me hit me killed my inocence.
you took my purity the thing that i was saving for marrige.
i can never fit in to this society i was discriminated at school for looking like a "geek or emo" taunted outside school by men like you for looking to "easy".
all i ever wanted in life was to feel happyiness not fear.
but no, you all made it that i could never feel that wonderful feeling ever again in my miserable forced to grow up world.
but wait " she derserved it , she shouldnt of dressed like that she was asking for it" that is completely true? not!
i suppose im lucky in a way i could of been killed, sometimes i think why didnt you? so i dont have to be tagged a rape victim.
you moaned in my ears how worthless i was, how noone will believe me, how i was ugly. as you pinned yourself against me.
you laughed as i struggled and as i begged for mercy.you watched me and knew i was clearly confused.
everytime i screamed with pain, you spit on me and force your hand onto my neck.
i remember how you left me after , laughing away as i tryed to pick myself together, my blood stained jeans and my dead mind.
you made me numb i dont no more what happens to me.
i contiplate suicide just so you can no longer take the only place where i cant think- my sleep.
i ended up in hospital everyone angry at me yet i didnt care all i cared about was how to make it through the day without being a fine mess.
do i ever come across your mind how you hurt me.
do you ever experience guilt?
your not kindhearted enough.
pfft you will never show empathy for another human being.
you know what makes me feel better?
picturing you going through what i went through.
as crazy as i sound it makes me better.
but hey my pain resulted in your pleasure so why can me picturing you in pain gain me happiness for abit.
the sad truth is i will never have a chance to say this to you .
this wont end any nightmares because for a start i wouldnt give you the satisfaction of me writing you a letter.

you may have killed me inside but atleast im not killed on the outside..