Sister,

I know how right now you feel like the world is out to get you, and that even though you're trying you're hardest, you're not getting anywhere. Trust me I understand. Your good mom and I know you love her with all your heart, but sometimes that's not enough. I remember being little and having our world shattered around us because our parents were unsuitable to raise us. It was devastating and messed us up beyond all things. You have been told all your life that you're not good enough and that you're stupid. You're not stupid. You're actually pretty smart, just not in the conventional way. I understand that you feel like you can fit in with our biological family and that in other areas you just feel like the outcast. Honestly though do you really want to fit in with them? I know you want me to give our biological mother a chance, but I can't. I don't fit in with our family and I never will, I don't want too. Sister they ruined my life and I will never be able to forgive them for that. I will never look at Nanette and see that she is my mom and loves me, because I honestly believe that she doesn't. I will never be able to look at our biological father and see a father, because he isn't. Our biological family means nothing to me and I don't love them, how can I? I know you don't feel the same, but I just need to let you know okay. I love you sister, I always will. You have taken the same road with me since the beginning and you know everything about me. I don't believe that you have forgotten everything that has happened between us, even the smallest stuff. You're stuffing it and eventually it will come out. You hide the things that bug you because that's the only way you know how to protect yourself. You did when we were little too. I have always taken care of you and protected you and I know that was a lot of the part of where we when wrong. I am having a really hard time right now watching you be helpless and me not being able to do anything about it. I am certainly not trying to get her taken away from you either. I would never do that. But I have to protect her too. You are trying your hardest but you're in the middle of it so you can't always see clearly. I am aware that you love him, but sister you have got to choose. I know you get told this far too often, but you have to do it soon or you truly will get her taken away. I have told you over and over how I don't hate him, and I don't. I just hate the way he treats you and his choices that he is continuing to make. You tell me that he used to make, and you know he is still making them. Sister, you got to quit lying to yourself so you can truly see the danger you and her are in. He isn't physically dangerous no, but his habits are. Meth ruins babies from the inside out, and I have a strong feeling that's what is wrong with her. IF she does come up positive for meth chances are he's is going to get arrested considering that CSP knows what is going on. In a different case scenario where CSP didn't know what was going on chances are you would both get arrested, and think what would happen to her. CPS knows you're a good mother, she also knows that you are trying your hardest to keep her safe, even though you're not yourself. How can you keep her safe if you're not? Meth is harmful to everyone around it even if you're not actually doing it. I know that you feel like the world is against you but we aren't. I love you and her all my heart and I can't just sit back and watch you be harmed. It drives me nuts!!!! I'm also aware that at the moment you are mentally and emotionally incapable keeping your promise we made so many years ago. But I can keep mine and I will. Don't doubt me sister. Your always saying well the family I got sucks, we are helping you, and I hope one day in the future you will realize that the things I do today are because I am family, and it's what family does. You need to teach him tough love, because that's what his parents are doing. They have more experience with him in this area of his life, he's done this before. I really do hate watching you go through this situation but I know I can't do much more. I'm at the end of my road sister. If this goes any further than it already is I don't know what I will do. Sometimes I really think you need a reality check so you can truly see how you are affecting Kazlie. She may be just a baby but she is taking all of this is. I was her age when I got taken away with you, and I was still messed up. Did you know I have flash backs to times, where I don't even know if they really happened but they seem completely real. I know that you feel so helpless and that your family is not there for you but I hope you can become stronger to be able to do the things necessary for you and your child. I hope you understand that I am not trying to demean you in any way only trying to let you know where I come from and how hard it for me to watch you make the same mistakes our mom did.

I love you sister

me