Dear Mom,

This is a letter to you about what has been going on in the recent events of my life lately and over time too. I miss you every day so much. Yesterday was the first anniversary of your death. I can't believe it has been a whole year with you gone. It doesn't feel real. It drives me crazy because of how unreal it is to me -- it hurts. 

Daven came down to visit us, which I’m happy he did, but the main purpose of him coming down here was to have your funeral finally. It was last month, on September 30, 2023. The funeral went well.  It wasn't easy, but it wasn't supposed to be. Tears were shed, laughs were made, words were spoken from the chest and relieved. I said what I've been wanting to say for a while. I had a whole paper written down. I still have it because of the meaning it has to me. When I went up there and read it in front of everyone and all of our family, I was stuttering and gasping for air. I had a lump in my throat because of how much it made me cry while reading it. I told myself I wasn't going to cry, and that I would be strong for you and show you that I can be strong without you by my side, without your comfort and you holding me, telling me everything will be ok. But saying what I said made me feel relieved and like I got a really heavy weight off my chest. It's still there, like almost everyday, but in the moment it felt really nice to do that.  

Misty came up to me and said that it was really beautiful and, “You did good.”

I replied back with, “Thank you, and thank you for coming. It was nice seeing you.”

She then went on saying, “I just know your mom was right by your side watching you and listening.”

 It was nice to see all of our family come together in one place. It's been a while since I've seen most of them. We all gathered and had a good time and tried to make the most of it and make it a happier rather than a sad time because we all know you would have probably wanted that.

But about what I've been up to lately…

 I did cheer again this year in my junior year, but cheer hasn’t been the best this year because it has taken a lot of my time and hasn’t helped me progress the way I would have hoped. I'm also about to start working for our cousin Amber and babysit her kids. We all went to Hawaii for a family trip and it made me think about you so much and I wish you could've been there. I've made new friends this year and they are very nice and good friends. They help me through my hard days and times without knowing it. We like to escape and go on adventures together, like hikes and looking at new things in nature, just going out together and having fun times doing whatever we can, then just sitting around doing nothing. Hanging out with them helps me escape reality and having those draining thoughts when being alone. 

I've also done better than I did in school last year. I feel like I have improved. Even though I feel like personally I could do better, right now. 

Grandma has gotten closer to me compared to how we used to be. Recently we talked about more stuff and I'm more open to her than before. She has comforted me and been easy to talk to, but sometimes she makes me mad. She won't ever understand where I'm coming from; she makes me feel like what I'm saying sounds like I'm unappreciative for what I have right now. But I know why I am. I just want you back. I want what I used to have whatever I can’t get but facing reality I can't be mad at anyone, and I try not to. I'm so angry all the time for no reason, but I think deep down knowing why I'm so angry and knowing exactly why it is. 

I remember the last conversation I had with you in February on the 17th with you and Daven in person. The conversation involved you, me, and Daven. I remember all of it. Me and you all had a long conversation about something really important. 

“You can't leave, it’s selfish of Kyla. You can't leave her,” Daven said to you, mom.

You responded: “I know, but I need to better myself to make better money and have opportunities and better housing.” 

“I get that, but right now is not a good time to be doing that. Wait a little while, trust me, it will be better,” Daven replied back to you.

I chimed in, “I get it too, but you can't leave. I don't want you to, please.” 

Then you left like you have before in the past, but this time it was more of a realization and overwhelming feeling. I could tell it was more surreal this time. After you left my whole world fell apart my bad habits came back more unhealthier than before. I wanted to be isolated, not do anything, nor go anywhere. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. I was stressed most of my time just in general, but being a sophomore in high school wasn't the best on top of all of it either. 

Though that wasn't in the beginning, it was after I really realized that was my life now and it probably wouldn't change soon, but there was still a little bit of me knowing you would come back, and hoping you would. 

It wasn't your fault. I want you to know that I knew it too you would call me and put in effort to talk to me but I want you to know how you made me feel. Even when I never thought I could feel that way or about you. Just the thought made me feel alone and confused on how to live. 

As time went by the longer you were gone things did eventually get better. Though I don't need to go that much in depth from that far of the past because you pretty much knew a lot about what was going on with me and Daven except towards the end. And what I was too scared to tell you because I didn't want you to feel bad for bettering your life. I didn't want my emotions to get in the way of yours and your new life. But being in the past right now during this letter I  have a few more things to tell you about things that did go a little smoother as life was still going ahead when you were alive and breathing on this earth. I had my old friends Rihanna and Aaliyah that I would see and hangout with everyday. They helped me a lot at the time. When I was with them at their house they made me feel at home and as if I was a part of their family we got pretty close.   I did cheer that year too for my sophomore year I wish you could've seen me and been there just once. My boyfriend and me broke up after everything happened because it was too  much for me to be in a relationship. I broke up with him because I didnt wanna drag him down and make him unhappy with his life even though I knew the chances of me doing that would've been rare but I mostly did it for myself too. When it did happen I got the news in the worst way possible, on my way back from lakeport after visiting my boyfriend. Me and dad got a call, a call from grandma 

She said “she's dead, she 's dead screaming”. 

“What, who, who are you talking about what is going on, what do you mean?” sayed my dad painkingly in his voice back to grandma. 

“SARA” she shouted 

Silence, just silence for a split moment for me and dad too actually take in what just happened. Not even that long of silence I couldn't hold it in. I had to let everything out at that moment. I wasn't thinking straight or in the moment at all. Next was screaming and crying it felt as if my whole heart shattered and there was no air left in the world left for me. I had no words my mom is gone i thought life isn't fair why me, why would this happen to me. Grandma apparently wasn't either because she didn't hear daven correctly on the phone when he told her because as you may know daven was the one who got the news and the phone call first. The hospital said that you were conscious but your brain was running out of oxygen so they didn't know if you were gonna make it. Even if you did it would've been hard for you to recover and you most likely wouldn't come back the same. After finding that out I prayed and hoped you were going to be ok. I knew you were, I knew you were gonna make it. Just dealing with that thought drove me insane and was the most distraught thing having to think about no fifteen year old should be dealing with that. So I left and I went to rihannas and stayed the night. I didn't want my self consciousness to overpower me and drown me while I layed at home in my bed. Though I do regret that I should've stayed home and gotten my family's support and support for them. Maybe it would've changed what happened. I think about that everyday. I have so many regrets that I wish I could've done differently. Like talking to you before that and not being mad at you and ignoring you at least to tell you I love you more before that. Everyday is a constant reminder but I have to live and learn from that everyday even tho out of everyone in the world. I wish I would have treated you better, I knew you were struggling and having a hard time but I was too angry to see my own faults. Dad and I got a plane ticket as soon as we heard the news. We had one to leave at three in the morning, so I was gonna leave Rhiannas in the middle of the night. But then you were announced dead at one in the morning on the thirtieth of october twenty twenty two. Life was not how I thought it was ever going to be, but it is the way things are now and I've learned to adapt and do things to better myself instead of just being unhappy. Tho I felt for a long time that I didn't deserve to be happy and I wouldn't let myself be. Eventually I allowed myself to over time because knowing you, you would've wanted me to do that. You always had such a sweet and caring loving personality and we could laugh about everything all the time you were my best friends. That's what I always tell all my friends who ask me about you. At first everyone would always say oh my god i'm so sorry Im always here for you and how are you. My answer was always thank you and I'm ok obviously not the best but you know stuff happens. But anyone who I cared for and who would actually sit down and want to listen to me would tell them the truth and about the whole story we had together. It would start like this: she was my best friend. I could tell her anything and go to her for whatever the issue was. We had the strongest bond and I will always value that everyday. Tho obviously it did hurt me and change me in some certain ways and I am mad at her for what she did to me and I have every right to be a little mad but of course that is not the only emotion and passion I have towards it. You made me the person I am today before the ups and downs, the worst and the bests and I will carry that on with me everyday in any new chapters I have ahead in my life. This is where the story ends. I will always love you forever and always, I miss your scent, your warm hugs, your beautiful laugh and smile and I can't forget my favorite one out of all. Your personality and humor both matched so well, you would call me youre mini. Mini you signed out for now. 

From your favorite daughter