The four months of May, June, July, and August of 2023 were an unceasing, ruthless push. From eight APs to fourteen projects in the middle of the basketball season and a new issue of the school magazine, from the ACT to essay competitions to summer school to mock trials to research projects, results were demanded and failures were reprimanded. I had never in my life worked well under pressure. So, somewhere in July, things fell apart. Before this time, I was already engaging in aggressive procrastination; after this, I couldn’t produce anything. Moreover, I lost my self-esteem along the way and engaged in a series of self-harm. In the final days of August, I embarked on a seven-hundred-kilometer bike ride from my hometown to my high school alone; by the end of the journey, I decided to call a stop to it all.

Now, calling a stop is not easy for a student in China. In Chinese, gap years are referred to as “Xiuxue” (or rest from education). And unlike its innocent Western counterpart, Xiuxue implies that something wrong with you. It could affect college admittance and even future employment. Therefore, taking a gap year in China is an uncommon practice with complicated procedures. And both my parents and the school tried dissuade me. But it wouldn’t do. I am taking a gap year or else I am dropping out.

Thus, I lived alone in a rented apartment, cutting off all social relationships. I read, biked, listened to Jazz, and after six weeks, I felt all the benefits of my decision. Things showed signs of returning to normal, and I reached back out to a few friends and teachers whom I valued most and whose connections I most unceremoniously cut off. From them, I learned how I have changed my community through my involuntary action.

The school management was shocked that an academically competent, engaged, well-integrated student could suffer so terribly. The old belief was that psychological problems are found in the “academically mediocre.” So, this time, they hired an actual psychiatrist to take the job that our psychology teacher originally carried out. Moreover, some teachers and the director of student affairs stopped responding to students’ casual complaints of mental health with indifference, and have begun making appointments with them just to ensure they are okay.

Most importantly, my peers now realize it’s not a mark of incompetence to stop when lives become suffocating. According to the director of student affairs, several students have asked him about the possibility of a gap year this semester, and he warned me against “disseminating negative sentiments.” I explained I had not been communicating with them and agreed I would not be doing that. On the other hand, I am glad if I had been the means of helping my fellow students prioritize their health and well-being over college application.