During June of 2021, I just came back from the ophthalmologist or a physician who specializes in eyes and I decided to check the mail. Let's get one thing straight, this was during quarantine. So, I was craving the need for social interaction. Also, I live in an apartment complex which is full of people to talk to. So anyways, after coming back I decided to check the mail. After checking the mail, I was going to go back to my apartment, and I noticed that there was a group playing basketball. As I looked closer, it was an old friend group that I left a long time ago due to me getting bullied by them.

I thought to myself “Maybe they have changed, I mean it's been what, two to three years. What’s the worst that can happen?”

I went back to my apartment to put down the mail I was carrying and went back outside to the basketball court. As I was making my way there, I was a bit anxious due to not talking to anyone except my mom and my online friends, which was two. 

As I made my way onto the basketball court I said, “Hey, what are you guys doing?”

“Oh, hey look who it is, came out of hibernation didn’t you” One of them replied

“Yeah, I guess I did.” I replied weakly

And that’s the start of a downward spiral of being picked on and not being able to stand up for myself. But, at the start of the reignition of the friendship. I was happy because I got to hang out with some people in my apartment like I used to before. I was very oblivious and naive at the time, believing one day they will see me like a real and good friend. I think I was more of an attention seeker and a pushover. I did a lot of stuff so I can seem cool to them. But in the end, it seemed useless, as they kept ridiculing me or anyone other than themselves. But it’s not to say everyone in that friend group was bad.

There were the outliers that were genuinely nice to me. Some even looked out for me and tried to get me out of trouble whenever the others were causing it. I was able to talk more with them than the others. Though, the other side of the friend group which was more toxic had their “nice moments.” 

Those were rare but also my morale boost and I thought to myself “If I am being treated nicely, then that means I am getting somewhere.”

Having this mindset in which you think you are getting rewarded but actually nothing is being gained is a toxic mindset. Staying with that group made me more insecure than before and I began to shut my mouth more. Thinking that if I kept quiet, they won’t have any fuel to douse me in. But no, every little mistake, anything that they thought was weird or stupid was fuel for them. They ran me through the mud, even my quietness was being used against me. I was a sponge, soaking up the insults, playful or not, trying not to show emotions, not even crying one bit so I don’t seem like a crybaby. But for some reason, I just kept staying. I told myself that things will get better, and they will sooner or later respect you.

During the start of the new school year, which was 2021 - 2022. I was getting acquainted with old friends from middle school. I was once again feeling happy, and I talked and talked. But after school ended, I went back into the routine of being ridiculed and being ignored. It continued on and on. 

But one day, everything was about to change for the better. I was again hanging out with them, and we got some raspados. We were enjoying it, until one of them threw it at the other. They both were laughing and having fun. 

I thought to myself “If they are doing that and having fun, then what’s the problem with me doing that too?”

So, I threw my raspados at one of them. And that one little move got them very angry and one of them grabbed the cup and dumped it back onto me. 

I said to him, “What's the big deal!?”

They angrily replied, “The hell you mean big deal, that stuff isn’t cool!”

“I came outside and hung out with you guys, I thought we were cool!?” I said rashly

Not a few seconds later one of them said “No one asked you to come outside, you just came outside yourself.”

With those few words, I was about to cry. But I held it in. I said alright to them trying to not give the sense I was crying. After that last exchange, I walked off and returned back into my apartment. After entering my apartment, I went straight to my room. After shutting the door, I wanted to cry. But, after holding in my emotions for so long, it was so hard for me to shed a single tear. I had the emotions, and I had a feeling of immense sorrow.  But the river won’t flow, being blocked by a dam. After that day, I cut off my friendship with them. But later on, things will change.

Still, at the beginning of school, I joined a NJROTC program and a Law & Social Justice pathway. I was always interested in these two when I first heard about them. So, I decided to choose them based on the gist of them being fun. Later on, I was able to make more friends and I started to speak out more, feeling like the chains around me are loosening. I joined a new friend group which was better than the last one. I went to more places with friends than just my apartment complex. 

I finally learn and experience a toxic relationship/friendship. I learned to be more confident in myself and my ability to do something. I even learned to rely on someone who I put my trust into. Being friends with them made me reflect on what I should have done to avoid such friendships again. I do hope to never experience that type of friendship again, but the future is a path in which there is no set direction.