Unrecognisable

I always considered myself to be a very extroverted person. I always had many friends, and I never had any trouble speaking up in class. I thought I had a good idea of the type of person I am and my way of acting towards people. Well, it turns out the people you surround yourself with can make all the difference in the way you act, whether you like it or not.  

Moving away from everything you know would be hard for anyone. New language, new environments, new customs, and for me, new friends. Back in my old school, I had never even considered the possibility of going to another school, much less having to make new friends. Even if I did find myself in this situation, making friends would be easy, I already had plenty, it wouldn’t be a challenge. The truth is, after knowing the same group of people and going to school with them for a decade, you’re bound to start acting very comfortably around them. Being around people you are people comfortable with can make a huge difference in the person you are or appear to be.  

When I found myself standing there, supposed to socialize and meet new people, I froze. I had thought about this exact moment for so long and nothing went the way it was supposed to.  I didn’t feel comfortable at all and nothing I said felt real, it felt very rehearsed and shallow. I wasn’t making any genuine connections and to be honest I didn’t feel like doing it either. Suddenly, talking to people was exhausting and I wanted to sink through the floor and disappear. Describing myself, explaining why I was there, asking about vain topics in a desperate way to make conversation and answering boring questions about myself. I know I should be happy I had ended up with generally nice people who just wanted me to feel welcome but somehow, I felt anything but that. Every move I made felt embarrassing and I cursed myself under my breath for being so awkward. Looking back at it I realized I was probably being a bit dramatic and even when I thought I did something horrible, I didn’t actually do anything I should be so ashamed of.

 
It is interesting how much the people we’re with affect our personality. I questioned myself and the type of person I am. What a weak personality I must have to change this much just because I was separated from what I was used to, going to school with people that were basically my second family and people that knew me better than I know myself, people I never felt awkward around.  Struggling for just a couple of days made me question myself this much. As my asocial behavior continued and I didn’t feel any more comfortable with the people around me, I started to worry about the next three years. My mind immediately went to worst-case scenario which back then was to be somewhat alone. My parents tried to reassure me by telling me that if I cared this much, obviously, I wasn’t the biggest part of the problem and that it was a small school, maybe it just took people time. They also told me to remember the fact that I couldn’t expect to have the same relationship with these people as I do with my friends back home. This is probably a big part of how surprised I was when moving to a new place. I was not expecting it. I had probably unconsciously or not expected to have the same level of comfort around these strangers as I did with my long-time friends. I almost laugh thinking about my confidence walking into that room. If anything, that experience humbled me a little. I felt a certain discomfort and stress I hadn’t felt in probably years, at least not in a setting like school, that had been my safe place for so long.  

Going back to Brussels to visit my friends made me even more confused about who I am. It was as if I was switching in between two personas when making those quick trips to Belgium. I was very talkative again, enthusiastic, loud, I almost didn’t recognize myself, but my friends were obviously used to me being like this since this is the person they grew up with. Not recognizing myself became even worse when I realized I preferred the person I was with people I was comfortable with. 

Of course, I’m not the only person who adjusts their personality to a certain extent when they’re around people they don’t feel they know very well. Although this is probably a normal phenomenon, one can question whether it’s very healthy or not. Only know do I understand that knowing someone for a long time, will make a difference on how you act around them.