Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I hear the ticks of my round clock, that hangs against the almond-colored walls, of my downstair kitchen. I move my hand from my head, to my heart, to my left shoulder, and then right. It’s okay, I think. It’s all gonna be okay. I look down at my rosary, playing with its pearl beads, mumbling to myself, I believe in God… I keep the image of him smiling at me, in my head. He can’t leave me, he still has time. I pull the rosary closer to my chest and continue to pray, the Father almighty…

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I need to be strong. Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I have to go on. He wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead, “I love you”, he says. The beads draw close to my nose, Our father, who art in heaven… trying to focus on my prayer. Try to remember his face. My grasp, tightens on the beads. Glory be to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit…

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. The prayer forms into words out loud, “Our father, who art in heaven”. When will she call? When will it end? How is he now? My rosary receives a kiss as it is brought to my chest. Don’t give up now. I need you. I can’t live without you. “Hail Mary full of grace”...

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I need to focus. Think of his face,  remember his voice. “Glory be”. My fingers wrap around the rosary. I’m almost there. Keep going. He’s okay, he’s going to be okay. Why do I think these words that I can’t guarantee. How many times with I have to beg to Thee?

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I keep my fingers moving around the beads, praying harder and louder than before, “Hail Mary full of grace”. Please call. Please give me hope. Please let me know. I look at my face in the mirror. No matter how hard I try, the tears never seem to dry. Give him strength. Be with him, Lord. Don’t abandon him. “Hail Holy Queen”...

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. My fingers land on my Mother’s face. Please God, don’t let him die. Give him the will to live. I need him to live to see my sister graduate. I need him to see my brother get married. I need him to be at my first child’s baptism. We need him.

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I keep on praying. God, he’s not ready to go. Barbara and Theresa, I know you’ll be with your father again one day, but it can’t be now. Please tell God to keep him here with me. Please tell him that Grandma needs him. Tell him that my family can’t take it. Ask him, how I’m supposed to wake up everyday if he’s gone.

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. The hours almost done. Please Lord, I don’t ask you much. I don’t want to be selfish. I want my best friend to be here, with me. Who will I talk to everyday? How could I walk into his home and not think about him? God, please. Keep him here.

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I cross myself and put my rosary down. I try to wipe my silent tears, but they just keep falling. I would get up to turn on the lights, but my eyes can’t get off of my phone.

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I wait for a call. The call that I have been waiting for all day. What will she say? What has God chosen to do?

Tik-tok. Tik-tok. I wait and wait. The phone lights up. It begins to buzz. I run to my counter and pick it up. My mind is racing, please tell me grandpa is okay. I quickly wipe my tears and rub my nose. I hear the voice on the other line say, “Hello?”