How do I start a story like this… I guess from the beginning even though all along i thought it was the end. Four days ago from enjoying the night wind rush threw my hair as my mom drove me home from the hospital, I attempted to kill myself. I’m not going to give information on why or what lead up over the past years that compelled me to finally do it, at this moment. I was only supposed to stay for three days but i was forced to stay an extra day for some dumb reason… I wished i had died four days ago that fateful dark friday night, i kept imagining what would have happened if i really did die. But i guess this adventure would have never happened if i did so. No i didn't want to die just from bullying, a s***ty love life, a s***ty family or anything else. It’s the voice in my head, the depression the anxiety all the thoughts rushing in my mind at once. I was sick and tired of having panic attacks just by being asked a simple question.

I was born in 2000 February 24, in Colorado. I still live in Colorado today in May of 2017. My brother is a year younger than me, born June 2001. Our parents divorced when i was about eight and he was seven. That’s my first memory, everything either wasn't important enough to remember or it was to painful to remember.The one thing i pity about girls who have been raped is that for some reason they think it’s their fault and they feel the need to think lower of themselfs.  “Pill-popping w****” A voice would say as i swallowed my Prazosin every evening. For those who don’t know what Prazosin is a type of medication given to those with extreme anxiety or PTSD. I was diagnosed with PTSD earlier this year due to physical trauma. In the mornings i take Prozac to decrease depression and anxiety leading up to panic attacks. I wanted to quit taking both of them since i don’t see much of an improvement, it’s suppose to 100% kick in after six weeks… eight weeks later and i still felt nothing. I decided to ask my psychiatrist whom i see once a month if i should even continue to take my medication, but due to recent events she told me to stay on them.

My grandpa died he same night my brother came home from the hospital. My brother was throwing up sick for over a week before my mom and i decided to take him to the hospital. The end results were that his appendix had ruptured and he had to go through many surgeries, pain, and lots of rest. My grandfother, father to four died from Alzheimer's and dementia. My moms drinking habits began to rise, and with my dad and brother not around she would beg me to spend time with her due to her loss. But the drinking was to overwhelming.. I was scared i would hit her or run away. I decided to stay the night with some friends for a while, while things cooled down between her and i. Screaming has always scared me and triggered a part of me. Weather is screaming of anger or out of fear. When i was younger the only noise throughout the house was screaming. It seemed to be happening all over again… I couldn't take it anymore. All the chaos going on in my life then forced to have nightmares that reincarnate my past and shooting fear threw my nervous system as though lightning were striking a small three.
Once again i tried to give my life to death but unfortunately i was stopped by the one who i tried to kill myself over the previous time. My only friend and ex boyfriend. I became not more suicidal but more angry and the need to do drugs overcame me. The only thing on my mind for the longest time was escaping my life without dying. I've decided to switch schools next year. Yes my senior year will be spend at a new school where i go to in the afternoons anyway to do cosmetology for a college program. A new start for an old mess.

Depression is not a joke. Rape is not a joke. Drugs and alcohol are not a joke. A broken home at a young age is not a joke. High school is not a joke.