Looking back on my life, I see examples of deep disappointment, replacements, rejection, love, bullying, sadness, joy, justice, injustice, dumping, troubles with coping with the truth, smiling through uneasiness, broken bonds, only hopes, last hopes: and all of this I seen before I was 10 years old.

Looking at my life in retrospect, I hear noises that get in the way of me understanding what my life is all about- “how will people take it?” “What if someone sees it and says something?” “What if no one reads it?” Well I’m not writing this for the present, I’m writing this for the future. We all die someday- and some of us before the ones we care for the most- I just want you all to remember what it felt like to be  here for- and from where I came here from.

I’ve been unlike my present self for a decade and more- I see that lessons come when you least expect them to. I am a little person, with monumental things growing inside of him. And I get frustrated when people don’t look for those things- they look for what I’ve done. I want to do more, I want to do better. I want to do bigger.

I understand that: some people will love you, when they notice someone else does. I learned that some people will make you cry and while others will make you smile. I learned that a good friend boosts your self-esteem. I get now, that people won’t hug you when you need it- but will hug someone else right in front of you. And that isn’t because we’re un-huggable but because we aren’t meant to be hugged by that person- and sometimes that person, never shows up. So we just have to deal with it. I learned that people can hurt you and get away with it- just because of how they look- in the face or based off of their past behavior or because of who they know and their support- sometimes you have to be the victim and the investigator.

People play favorites; and no one stops them. Unless you’re theirs but not always, even when they are yours. I learned that cute people get away with a lot.  And that average looking people are swept under the bus for the dust. I realize it’s so easy for someone to look through and pass someone- so they can care about someone else. Sometimes people can suck the life out of you and never apologize. People will punch you and bruise you- just because they are mad. People will aggravate you just so they can make you happy and before you get happy- you get angry and snap and then you lose a friend.

And when you live life: latched to all of these things…. You can either do one of three things:

1. Love and educate the world with it.
2. Hate and avoid the world for it.
3. Ignore it.

I chose no. 1. That means, even when someone told me that I was ugly- I told someone that they were beautiful- because of the pieces of her personality and that when someone called her ugly- they purposely looked at things that weren’t better than what they had and made fun of something that she only had- so that way she wouldn’t say “Well that girl has it, and she’s pretty- so I’m pretty too.” Instead she asked- “Why do I look like this, and she doesn’t? Why does my mom and dad only think I’m pretty- are they lying?”  I told her that I’d be her friend and that I loved her because she could love herself and love another person and make them feel good. I told her, that she could do anything and that she could grow and that she didn’t have to listen to that person or those people- because she is worth loving- because she is worth trusting, because she is worth living. I told her to love herself and let the world realize what they’ve been missing.

This also means, that even when someone didn’t talk to me when I needed someone- I made sure that I was there, on standby for my friend when he needed me. Whether it was a girl problem, a family problem, a faith problem, a goal problem, an education problem, a motivation problem, an idea problem or a “he” problem- I was there, 1am, 5pm or 10:33pm- it mattered not…. If I was awake, I would be there for him, because he is my brother- and he trusts me. I told him, that I had his back. I was on his team, and that I would support him until the end. That I was his friend, his brother and that I believed in him- and I told him…. To never give up because if he did…. He wouldn’t get a chance to show himself and the world how awesome I believe he is. And that he deserved to show himself that greatness.

This also meant, that even though someone made fun of my eyes- I told someone that her eyes were beautiful.
This also meant, that even though someone made me cry- I told someone so many jokes- and I watched him laugh and cry happy tears.

This also meant, that even though someone made fun of me in line until I shut up- that  I was the first person to go to the new kid, shake her hand, tell her my name, introduce her to my friends, sit with her at lunch, make her laugh, make her smile, help her talk to me about who she is, and who she’s inspired by and what she likes to talk about, who she loves to hear sing, who she loves seeing on TV, who she loves to dance to, who she loves to talk with- who she loves! I would tell her- to never shut up- I would tell her- to always be prepared to talk about yourself - in detail. To always know when you want to speak and want to be silent. To always talk about your passion- so that no one can do it for you and so that you know yourself and then love yourself.

This also means, that when no one would hug me when I needed it- I hugged my friend as he mourned the loss of his loved one, mourned the loss of his peace, mourned the hate he’s endured, mourned the troubles of life, mourned the difficulty of getting through a Monday morning- and who mourned being isolated from a group hug- having never felt one and only seen them from a distance. Letting him into mine, I told him- hugs are good-they’re healthy- if you need a hug, just ask. And hugs heal, hugs mend. HUG YOURSELF- TO HEAL AND MEND YOURSELF WHEN NO ONE IS AROUND YOU. HUG YOURSELF. HUG YOURSELF.

This also meant, that despite my own attempted suicide and my own bullies and my own experienced rejection, I am the first person to go to a person who I see with slashed wrists marks….a Facebook post about how much they hate their life…. About how much they don’t want to live …. About rumors…. About how much depression is sucking their value of life away…. TO DRY! THE FIRST PERSON TO GO TO A PERSON…… who has had his girlfriend leave him…. Who has had his “coming out” rejected by people who he thought would love him to death- THE FIRST PERSON who goes to the guy who lost someone he loved to death……. The first person to go to a guy who just is overwhelmed by school….. the first person to go to the guy who thinks God has left him…. And I say to him- “your life is worth living and your life is worth enjoying, and your life has value both to me and to yourself. You are not here for nothing. You are here for something huge. If you stay here- you’ll see exactly what I am talking about. I’m here for you, I’ll check on you, and you can come to me about anything- and anytime that I can respond, I will. I will be there for you whenever I can. And if I can’t help, I’ll help you find someone who can. I am on your team dude- I GOT YOU. I will help you get through this.

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I want everyone to know that I always wanted to be famous since I saw the Suite Life of Zach and Cody lol- but I never would’ve thought that I’d like to be famous for writing something that lifted someone out of their darkest times.

I want to be published someday to have my voice out there- so that it can speak life into other people and encourage them to LIVE!
If you read this, you read this because you cared and because you had time.
I don’t care why you didn’t read it- it doesn’t bother me.
If you read this, remember this forever- and you’ll always know why I am the way I am.
YOU WILL ALWAYS KNOW!
Because I don’t ever want to change.
I love you guys. Thank you for loving me back if you do.
This life is worth living…. NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER
Forget that.