Over the past years, I’ve spent a lot of time with my thoughts, hoping to find a true friend and striving for freedom from the pain of not having one. It is a difficult process trying to find someone that is like your other half, that missing puzzle piece, or a yin to your yang. When you finally find a true friend and have to make a choice to let go of that person, you wonder whether it was the right thing to do. Many things can ruin a friendship. The choices people make can take over their lives, and before you know it, they can also take over yours.
It all started in elementary school; I felt abandoned and isolated. The days were long and difficult. I hated school and was ridiculed and misunderstood. I felt like I was in a pocket planet, observing everyone in their natural habitat and me in a whole different world. I never connected with the other kids and I felt hopeless.
        I always wanted a hundred percent friend. A friend who was true to me, was with me when I was down, and helped put me back together when I fell like a house of cards. A friend that could make me laugh by saying ridiculous things, and I mean the ultra embarrassing hard laugh that you want no one else to hear. Being a friend or a best friend is one thing, but a true friend exceeds all levels. True friendship is like a blissful wind that picks you up on your feet, a comfy home, or a diary you can speak all your secrets to. A true friend is truly terrific, someone who will say, “I will always be there for you no matter what.”
        When I made my first friend, I was ecstatic for what seemed to be a millisecond. Soon I realized that this wouldn't last and we would move on and apart. I stood sad and unhappy again and wondered, “Did I deserve this?  Was I being punished?” For the longest time I believed that it was all my fault that I didn’t have a close friend. In the past, I always hated not having friends. I felt like people were staring at me like I had purple flaking skin with four eyes. In all truth my life felt hopeless.  I felt shackled and weighted by my suppressed emotions.  When I looked into my future and all I could see was complete blackness. 
       In high school,  I joined the drama club. I met many people and so called friends but the friends were as superficial and shallow as a kiddy pool;  this made me even more depressed. I sat in the hallway thinking the dreaded “why me?”  When I decided to quit the club, I felt an immediate relief of pressure and felt a burst of freedom and serenity.
       In school, I was so happy I made real friends, not the perfect kind, but close. In time, I grew apart from these friends too. In some situations it was good because we just grew up, in other cases we grew apart due to conflict and envy. As I got into my sophomore year of high school, I found a new friend and thought we were best friends. I learned that she was trouble; she did drugs, was dating someone older and was sexually active. I weighed the pros and cons of keeping this person as a friend, and made a very difficult decision. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but I left the friendship to be happier. Was it a good move? I think so, even though it was very hard to do. I went so long without a true friend and when I finally had one, I had to let her go.
        Choosing to make the right decision can be hard, like two people pulling at me until I rip in half. The thing is, they don’t know everything that’s going on inside my head, but I do. So the choice is mine and mine alone to make. I often go to my bedroom to contemplate and to think about these choices. I slowly bounce up and down while sitting on my bed and letting thoughts rush through my head like a whirlpool.
The attitude of my friends changes when they get to know me and we see each other’s true colors. I see hate in their eyes and I wish they could tell me why. People tell me a lot of things that are difficult to sort out. One friend who is fifteen talked about dating a twenty two year old who she met at the mall and talked about having sex in the bathroom with him.  We are not friends now and I don’t think that will change, because I am much more mature and think that she is acting like a sl*t. This situation got very complicated and the person became very angry with me when I tried to give an honest opinion. I felt so alone and hurt. When I met her, I had finally found someone who I could call a true friend and confide in every little detail of my life, including my deepest darkest secrets.  Soon she became aggressive, uncontrollable, and naive.
       Losing a faithful friend is so hard. When it happened to me, I felt my heart exploding at each beat.  Everything seemed different, like things were in slow motion and sounds faded to white noise. My life is still a struggle, a tangled ball of yarn. As tough as it is to let go of a friend, I know I chose the right path which makes me stronger each and every day. I felt a great deal of relief and freer than a bird flying for the first time.  I also felt a sense of maturity,  like going from a child wearing a tutu to an adult wearing a business suit.
       Has anyone ever told you, “All you need is love” or said, “You should really get a boyfriend”? People say that to me all the time. The topic of someone to love is hard for me because you can get your heart broken. If you let yourself breathe and open up to new chances and experiences, you can get hurt. You breathe through the shock and pain, but it clogs every action you take, because you are broken. Trying to escape won’t work because you always need the burst of electricity to jump start growing up and learning new things. When love comes up, you need to kick into gear and blow away the negative cloud covering up your past hate. I’m learning to let go of my fear and have the courage to be open to the friendship. As days go on I still struggle finding friends, but I realize if I’m happy after the hard decision, that’s all that matters. When I smile now, because the weight on my shoulders has been lifted and I don’t feel sad or angry; I remember that whenever I feel the darkness approach, there is a door not too far away that I can escape to. I just have to try. I am a free person who’s full of happiness and positivity and I never want to go back to how I lived before. I am excited for my new outlook on friendship.