I've always had difficulties with myself. I don’t know how it began. I don't even know why. Maybe when my own family deemed me worthless. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe it’s because I don't look like the rest of the girls in my school. 

I have trouble connecting with others, and sometimes I can only connect to books. These feelings took me down a dark path. I believed I was so worthless I didn’t deserve to live. I started to self-harm, and wore my sleeves down constantly. No one knew that I was in self destruction mode. I played the part of faking it perfectly. I smiled and laughed, but it was all an act.
All my “friends” were clueless. Those “friends” that said they would always be there should have noticed.
Did they?
No.
All those people I thought I could trust didn’t even realize something was terribly wrong. I thought that I had people who could save me.
But I guess not.
I’ve never really gotten along with my family. They always made me feel so insignificant compared to what they’re doing. My little sister is this girl who loves to play all the sports. And here I was, this girl who loves to read, write, and draw. I remember one conversation that I had with my mother. And I just can’t seem to forget it. We were talking about my sister and how I didn’t want to run cross country. We were stopped at the four way. She had been lecturing me about something stupid. Then we turned left towards home and said:
“God Taya, when did you turn into such a loser?”
My own mother deemed me a loser because I didn’t act like she did in high school. I don’t have as many friends, I’m not popular, and I’m not skinny. And I didn’t even say anything to defend myself. Even my grandmother compared me to the daughter that ran away.
“Taya’s just like Carol, she doesn’t have any close girlfriends. Emily has a whole ton.”
So even in my own family I was the black sheep. The controversial daughter who didn’t belong. I was unwanted and unnecessary.
I live in a tiny town where those who live there are forever stuck. They grow up there as kids. They get married, and then they have their own kids. Then they die. Nothing ever changes. I was stuck there and I was going to die a pointless death. So what did it matter if I went a little sooner than everyone expected. I would get a page in the yearbook maybe, but that was all. Everyone would move on, and the world would keep spinning without me. I was pointless, and wasn’t worthy of the air I was breathing.
I was so caught up in the fact that I was stuck I didn't see a world outside my small town. I didn’t see all the possibilities that would come if I just lasted a couple more years. I didn’t know that if I worked hard in school, that it could take me even farther away. If I had only realized sooner. All the stuff I dealt with would have been inconsequential.
I saw that I’m larger than everyone else. That I was afraid to be myself because of what society decrees is appropriate.
I was going to end my life on my terms, no one else’s. I started to plan it all out. Then one day I was thinking about it, and I realized how much I was disgusted by the thought of it. Why was I going to do it? Was I looking for attention? I, a young girl, capable of anything I wanted, was going to kill myself because of societal standards. Societal standards that make girls believe that they should belong to the certain cliques and never question it. They made me believe I was worthless because I was different.
I guess these weren’t my own terms. They were terms I had been taught throughout my life. I guess I wasn’t even my own person. I was tired of trying too hard, and it hurt too much. All these feelings of being not perfect separated me.
I felt so alone.
Being alone is dreadful. It’s climbing the Himalayas without a guide. Terrifying. It’s like the whole world is this dark and scary place, and you need people to be your lights to guide you. You need others to guide you when you can’t see what’s right in front of you.  I didn't have those people in my life, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I thought things would never get better. So I looked for a way to feel less alone.
I started listening to music, and I found this song that flipped my world:
“Do you ever feel like breaking down? Do you ever feel out of place, like somehow you just don’t belong, and no one understands you? Do you ever want to run away? Do you lock yourself in your room with the radio turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming? No you don't what it’s like when nothing feels alright. You don't know what it’s like to be like me.”
“Welcome to my Life” by Simple Plan. It changed everything. They changed everything. They have so many inspirational songs that saved me. I realized I’m not alone, there are others who feel like I do. And so I realized I could change the world if I wanted to. I could leave this small town and never come back. It will be total absolution.
So maybe I’ll never have true friends who know everything, or a supportive family, but I don't need that. I have myself, and that is plenty to live for. I don't have to live or die based on what others think of me.
I have to live for myself. And that is more than enough.