It’s 1997, September 20 to be exact. My mom had just brought
Me into this majestic world called Life. But getting to this world was far from easy. My birth was well, let’s just say not your normal birth story. First off my mom barely made it to the hospital. Yeah I was almost born in the car. Plus my dad Brian was parking the car so he completely missed my birth. He wins dad of the year! To me this isn’t one of those crazy birth stories nor was anything wrongs with me no birth defects no nothing, but yet I feel as though this may explain why my life the way it is today.
It’s a rainy August day in Columbia, MO. Columbia just read my mood and decided that it should be a bad weather day because Emmma isn’t happy. Who would be happy though if it was their first day of daycare, like come on I had been inseparable with my mom since day one, and still I am. Her name was Emily, the so called lady that would watch me during the day along with a bunch of other kids I’d never met. The pure thought of daycare made me sick let alone standing in some random chick’s house that I’m supposed to trust. Um no. Most kids have like a security blanket or stuffed animal, no not me. Mine was a yellow bucket. So on that rainy day I walked hand in hand with my beautiful tall, blonde haired mom whose eye’s blue as the St. Thomas Ocean. The doorbell had been ringed, there she was… but she wasn’t scary. She was really pretty, her voice as smooth as water sliding down your throat.
“Donna! Good to see you again! Oh this must be Emma, wow how adorable are you!” Emily proclaimed to my mother.
“Emma, go inside and meet the other kids, I love you have a great day and see you at 5:30.” My mother said to me as I slid past the door into a world of the unknown.
There were six or seven kids downstairs just rummaging through all of her toys; clearly she knew what kids wanted. I had met a girl named Elena, that day I knew she would become my best friend. Then there was Jake, now at four you might think I was crazy but I never believed in the whole cooties thing, and that is why Jake was my first ever crush. As the years of daycare diminished out of sight and somewhat memory I was already in my third grade year.
It was the wee hours of March 3, 2006 and I was mentally and physically preparing myself for surgery on my eye, three years before that I found out I had lazy eye discovered by my older brother James. Although I was terrified the surgery went splendid! Afterwards they gave me a red cherry flavored Popsicle, that I could barely eat it though because I was still high on my sleeping drugs. After my surgery I went back to being a normal kid. I went through those normal stages of life; fourth grade was chubby stage and nerd glasses. Fifth grade I grew about four inches and really thinned out. People would always come up to me and say “You are so skinny!” These comments later in life cause personal demons for me. I was finally happy with my life, family was good. I had a bunch of friends, I truly felt good about myself. The age of eleven for me was probably one of the best years of my life. Life was so content.
My mom was pulling into our drive way after the first day of my swim meet; we decided to drive back and forth from Independence, MO. My brother was over and probably with his girlfriend too. James was my only brother yet with his hair red and mine was blonde it was hard to tell that we were related. I looked up to my brother so much, me and him are five years apart so of course a little sister would look up to her older brother. That’s why this Saturday an early morning December was so heart breaking for me. I had walked into the house after my mom, walked to my room no big deal. But the next thing I hear changes my life forever.
“Did you use a condom?” My mom had yelled to my brother.
James then pulls out the wrapper of one him and his girlfriend has used. My mom then goes to my brother’s closet and opens the door and yells at James’s girlfriend to get dressed and that we were taking her home. Now me over here my 12 year old self had partially been scarred for life like you’re supposed to stay you’re until marriage not sixteen. Instead of having that talk, I lived it. For about two weeks I barely talked to my brother, if you ever say to yourself “Could things get any worse” well I did that and my wish was granted.
I was coming home from Independence the same place from two weeks ago and everything seemed just fine. That was before I got home. When I got home I went downstairs and saw my brother getting out ornaments which was so unusual because normally he doesn’t help at all.

“James why are you helping with the ornaments?” I asked. He just stared at me, I knew at that moment something was wrong.
“Emma I messed up pretty bad last night.” He said to me. My heart drops and begins to create knots like never before.
“How bad is it?” I asked.
“I got a DWI and totaled the car” James’s confessed to me. I just stood there dumb founded, no words could form. So I just started crying, James wrapped me in his arms and we cried together. Me and my family for the next six months or so went through all the legal stuff and James only had a couple of months left before all his restrictions were gone. But then October of 2009 was the toughest news of them all, the suicide of my brothers best friend Chris Berns. I was coming home from yet another swimming thing, it’s like the curse of swimming out of town. My brother had a football game in Jeff City so we got home around the same time. They pulled in right after I got my stuff out of my friend’s car. I looked at my family, something was terribly wrong, they didn’t even say hi to me. I told my friends good bye and walked inside. James, my mom, dad, and James’s girlfriend all stood in the kitchen.
“Emma he’s gone.” Whose gone I asked him?
“Kevin.” I was so confused I just stood there.
“He’s dead” How? I asked
“Suicide” At that moment I fell into my brothers arms, practically my second brother was gone. 20 minutes later we were all over at the Berns' house, they lived right behind us. Nicole, Chris’s sister, we had been best friends ever since they moved behind us, as were Chris and James. If it was the weekend, James and I would be over there. Everything was such a rush after we heard the news; everything was a blur other than crying all day every day.
The next year was probably the hardest year for my family, I was thirteen and James was 17. My dad had at least said he was going to leave us three times; he just played with us though because he never did. This game still plays on two years later. It had been a year since Chris’s death, and yet we were all still moving in motion feeling nothing, especially James. James went to drinking to take away the pain, which yes is wrong but we couldn’t stop him. Our family was falling apart and it was about to hit it’s the last thread with my brother getting arrested again with a DWI. Yes it all happened when I was coming home from a swim meet too. So here we go again, its life my cycle of life is stuck on repeat and I can’t control it, like the movie Ground Hogs Day.
I’m fifteen now, a year and a half since my brothers last arrest, three years since Chris died, and my dad still proclaims he’s leaving about every other month. Oh and I also dealt with a mild case of anorexia and hurting myself. Beautiful life don’t you think? No one’s life is ever perfect, there are always going to be tragedies, but how you deal with them makes you, you.