“In a foreign place the saving grace was the feeling that it was a heart that he was stealing…” the words swam in my head as a sat alone by a door at Hamblen Elementary. I was sure that today would be the worst memory of this school so far. My heart was beating like crazy and my breathing was ragged. The bright day had changed from warm to cold and I shivered in my jeans. I could imagine Alec and Cameron sitting on the swings only 200 feet away. However, I didn’t want to imagine what the conversation between my best friend and my almost-ex-boyfriend sounded like. I knew it would inevitably end in pain and confusion. And tears.
“…oh he was ready to impress on the fierce excitement, the eyes are bright, he couldn’t wait to get away, and I bet the Juliet was just the icing on the cake…” I was regretting my decision already. Why was I breaking it off? He was an amazing guy, everything I wanted, and yet I was throwing him out of my life and out of my heart without trying to make it work one more time. I had to remind myself of the problems and reasons I was sitting there, on the cold concrete and wishing I was anywhere else. I forced myself to think of how he never touched me. Never hugged me. He didn’t even hold my hand. Or the awkwardness of being with him. We always had to be doing something because our time was never taken up kissing or staring lovingly into each others eyes. I could only imagine what I would be like to be held by him.
“…make no mistake, no…” This had to be a mistake, this was all wrong. I remembered all the poems I’d written for him, the beautiful songs he’d written for me. The promises, the hopes, the future we’d created for ourselves, wiped away. I wish someone would confiscate the eraser I was holding, it was a more dangerous weapon than a gun could ever be. To shoot someone in the head and kill them is sick, to erase all the love that once existed, and let them live is much more cruel. He didn’t expect this. He didn’t deserve it. I hated myself.
“…and even if somehow we could have shown you the place you wanted, well I’m sure you could have made it that bit better on your own…” my phone rang. The ominous tone that screamed, “You have a text message, and it’s going to hurt to read it!” I took a deep breath and looked at my phone. I was from Cameron. It said, “Why did you break up with him????” the text became blurry as tears accumulated in my eyes. Why did I break up with him? I couldn’t stop asking myself that question.
“…and I bet she told a million people that she’d stay in touch, but all the little promises, they don’t mean much when there’s memories to be made…” I stared at the grimy wall I had my back pressed against. A mosquito eater was attached to the concrete barricade that separated me from Alec’s pain. The insect sat there, motionless, and I wondered whether he was dead or sleeping, or maybe he was just observing my fear and regret. I wished I didn’t have an audience.
“…and I hope your holding hands by New Years Eve, they made it far to easy to believe, that true romance can’t be achieved these days...” my phone went off again. My stomach clenched as I looked at the screen. Alec. My heart was pounding heavily. I opened the message, terrified of what I’d find. “What the f***???” From deep within me came a horrible sob. Every gasp was followed with another loud moan. Tears poured down my cheeks, the dam had broken and there was no stopping it now.
“…and even if somehow they could have shown you the place you wanted, well I’m sure you could have made it that bit better on your own…” no noise came out of my mouth. Just like laughing, I was sobbing too hard to make any sound. I’d never cried this hard, this deeply, this painfully. I texted, I cried. I cried, I texted. I regretted, I hated, I wished, I blamed, I was sick of myself. I’d just hurt someone I cared about in the worst way possible. I’d destroyed his hope, trust, and openness. I’d wrecked our friendship. I’d pulverized the memories. No one can relate to the exact feelings we shared, the memories we created, or how it felt to rip them into pieces. No one can convince him to forgive me or convince me to forgive myself, after all, how could they…
“…you are the only ones who know.”