How does someone make an impact, that will last for generations to come, and possibly not even realize that they are making such a huge difference in the future of their family? Also, after they have passed, you wonder did that person have any idea that they were making that huge difference before you lost them? I will never know, but it has been very interesting and a huge lesson for me to speak to my mother, Becky, and my Grandmother, Betty, about my Grandfather, aka “Papa”, who was my mother’s father, and my Grandmother’s husband for 54 years. It took my mother a while for my mom to be able to talk about my Papa, Joseph Madison Whitfield, who passed away 6 years ago this month. When I asked my mother about my father’s influence on her family as she grew up, she said he cooked every meal each day while she was growing up. He was a cook in the Army, and loved cooking, so it was his delight to feed his family and cook for them, all 5 of them. She said she never heard him complain once about being the one who made all of the meals. She knew he was tired sometimes because he awoke for work at 4:00 in the morning to go to work, and would be home to nap before supper. Sometimes when there was a lot of pressure at work, that would mean going out to eat in the evenings. My mom has fond memories of meals with her father, and all of the favorite foods he made for them. Mom said when she was in college, that she sat around telling her roommates how much she could not wait to go home eat her daddy’s cooking. Mom said, “I never gave it a second thought that it might be considered odd that my daddy did all of the cooking, until I went off to college, and told that to my friends.”

I asked my Mom if she knew anything about my Papa’s family life that could have caused the influence with cooking the meals that he had on her family growing up. Mom mentioned that he loved his mother better than anybody in the world when he was growing up, and that she taught him a lot about cooking when he was growing up, so it was a way to give tribute to her, and feel close to her. He had 4 older brothers, and they lived on a farm during the depression, and my Papa knew it was hard to feed a family sometimes. Mom explained that his mother always made big pans of biscuits, as a filler for the family, because there would not be much meat, and he continued that tradition with his own family when my mother was growing up. I asked Mom what made Papa care so much about our family, or why did she think so? Mom said that he loved them more than anything, and made sure they knew it. My Mom felt like she was extra special to them, because my Grandmother had her oldest son quickly after they were married. Then, the next babies did not come, and the Dr told my mother that she could have no more babies. This was the late 1950’s and the 1960’s, so not a lot could be done. My Grandma loved her only son but wanted more kids. My Papa, who could not stand to see any of us sad for long, put in the paperwork to adopt my uncle. The same month that my Uncle came to live with my Papa and Grandma, my Grandma found out that she was unexpectedly pregnant with my mother. It was a great surprise, because my Papa and Grandma had been waiting 12 years for that baby to be born, who is my Mom. I asked my Mom what did Papa do for his family, but I never knew he made such things happen as adopting my Uncle Jim,

because my grandmother was sad with no more children. Mom said, “Your Papa would do anything to see us safe and happy.”

Talking to my mom about the question of why did Papa care so much about family, she said that he had a ferocious protective nature, and would take anybody on who bothered our family. I think my mother has this trait from him! Mom indicated that always looked out for those less fortunate, and helped those who could not help themselves.

I asked my mother was my Papa the same with her family, as his father has been with his family. My mother indicated that Papa’s father was really severe, and not very affectionate with his children. Mom said that she felt like her father was making up for some of the ways his own father had been, and even how he had acted to his mother. That way of behaving was NOT going to be carried on to the next generation. I think that’s why my Papa’s legacy is so meaningful. He taught us that family is everything, and that having meals together is a great way to keep the family together. Cooking brings people together, and he was such a great cook, everyone was more than happy to come over and eat with him and Grandma.

It was hard for my Grandma to talk about Papa. She misses him a lot, and I was very delicate about the questions I asked, and let her speak about what she wanted to with the questions as a guideline. I let her know that I was curious how Papa became the cook in the family. They married in the early 1950’s, so it was a strange thing for back then. Grandma laughed, and said, “ He picked on my so much about my cooking, that I told him that if he could do better, to go ahead!” It took off from there, and stuck the rest of their married years.

I asked her how did she feel about the way Papa took care of everyone, and could not stand for people he loved to be without what they needed. She said that he had a huge heart, and that whenever he could help someone, he did. I know of stories about teenagers who needed guidance, and he would give them a job at the newspaper where he worked, just to give them a chance at a future. She said he could not help himself from helping others.

Grandma told me that Papa never considered moving away from Durham. He was born here, raised here, and had his children there. When asked about the important things he did during his lifetime, she told about how he ran for the Durham school board, was elected, and served 2 four year terms working with the teachers and the schools during integration. That was the one thing he was very proud of, because he did not go to college, because he went into the Army right after high school, during the Korean war. She said, “Your Papa had to make a difference everywhere he went., and help whenever he could.”

Papa’s influence on our family with cooking and having family closeness was very obvious when my Papa died. Our family gathered for a few years at Christmas and such, with people filling in cooking, but it was never the same without him, Grandma indicated. It was so hard for her, that my Grandma said she was almost 200 lbs when he passed, and has lost down to 130 since he passed. Her desire to eat died when he died. She has a hard time talking about him sometimes, but other times she really comes alive when she talks about him.

Papa’s legacy is so meaningful to our family, that our family has not been the same without him. We no longer gather with my Uncles to eat, or really do anything. It is sad in a way, but my Mom is trying very hard to keep the 5 kids in our family very close to one another. She had made us promise that my Papa’s Legacy of Family First will never be lost within our own family, no matter what happens. His legacy is also to not just think of yourself, but to help someone in this world when you can, and to put yourself out there and just do it. I miss my Papa very much. He was a great man.