A year ago next week will have marked the death of a very close friend Camila Pakana She was terminal with Adenocarcinoma cancer, so it wasn't a surprise, but still a shock. Like walking into a sprinkler spraying cold water. You know the water will be cold. But the second it hits your skin, you go into a temporary shock. The last time I saw her was April 16th 2017. I sang in front of a crowd, but with all the the eyes on me, my eyes only saw Cam. I never got to see her after that. I got my first job and it was my first priority. That is my biggest regrets. Thursday June 1st 2017 I opened facebook to see that she had died a couple hours ago. I was broken. But did not let myself shed a tear. It was funny. We became so close but rarely talked. She knew no English. I only knew a little Spanish. But she loved my hair. She played with it all the time, and she loved to do my makeup. One time she did my hair and makeup on Christmas eve. I stayed up all night just to wear it to the party I had the next day. By no means am I a girly girl, but after I lost her, I always did my makeup just to feel closer to her. 2 days after her death, still not a tear shed. I called off work for the funeral. The next day, I broke the news to my roommate and her boyfriend who had been at a convention when it happened. Her boyfriend (who was also a close friend) held me for hours. Still no tears. I was blank. Like the world was to me. Just. Blank.The world lost its beauty. Monday was the visitation. I thought if I could just make it through seeing her body, there would be no tears. After all she didn't want us crying. Well I saw the body. Not a tear. I thought I was safe; I had stayed strong throught seeing her body. At the visitation I could have sworn I saw her chest rising and falling. I knew she was dead, but my brain would not accept it. I found myself holding and comforting a mere acquaintance as if we had known each other for years. The next day at the funeral, I saw a video of her saying her last words... Tears.... Endless tears. I broke. After 20 minutes, I pulled it together. After the funeral, we went to the cemetery. As I saw her get lowered into the ground, I cried again. My dad held me, put his coat around me since it was windy and I was wearing a backless dress. I bawled my eyes out. But was still blank. They gave out sunflower seeds at her funeral to remember her by. I took one and bought a locket which I wear in remembrance of her.Everything lost its beauty. Work was no longer a clashing orange and blue. It was basically grey. I gave up on singing. It was pointless without her. Without her smile brightening the world, inspiring everyone she looked at, the world was dull. I did get back into music. But every note echos in a hole in my heart that no one can fill. About a month ago, I tried to take my own life. The would is no longer bright to me. It didn't work. Despite my best efforts. But I know she wants me to move forward. That's that everyone tells me. "Keep moving forward. It's what she'd want" What if its not what I want? What if I want to stop moving through a dull world. I am not a legacy. I wish I was. But I am one of the hundreds of broken hearts. Shattered after her death.But through it all she still changed me. The hole in my heart is what I have left of her. I feel her watching me from heaven. She was an angel on earth. Now she is alive in heaven. As I write this, I shed tears. But writing this, I am writing the story of my life. And I will write it until nature decides it's time for the last page. I will love her and think of her until it comes time for me to write my finale page.