Adam,

Hey, it’s been about two years since I last talked to you in person, and it has been almost two years since you have passed.  Last year was difficult for me playing baseball because I wasn’t playing for you again, and you weren’t there to come and see me play.  I think I played well defensively, but I had a pretty bad year hitting.  I know you would tell me to still keep practicing and never give up.

I started playing hockey this year… I don’t know if you liked hockey or not.  I learned how to skate again two years ago and decided to play last season.  I really like the coach, and he’s really supportive of me.  I’m playing center on the JV team, but that was to be expected.  We won two games, which happened to be two more than varsity.  I really like playing; it’s a fun challenge to try to learn how to play a new sport and to try to play it well.  Hockey is a hard sport to try and pick up at 16, especially since others have been skating since they could walk.  I’ve made a lot of progress; I can skate backwards and transition from front to back and back to front now.  I didn’t score last season, but I did end up with something around, five points (all assists) on the season.  I started becoming interested in hockey when I injured my shoulder in wrestling.  After that happened, I just decided not to wrestle anymore and started skating.  I’m never going to be the best on the team, but I’m always improving, and I’m really happy about that.

Freshman year, I played quarterback for the first time, and I know that I wouldn’t have had the chance to do that at Clear Lake.  This year, our coach moved me to receiver.  It was all right for the first part of the year, then it didn’t really work out.  One reason was that I disconnected a tendon in my finger, so I had to wear a club over my hand.  I could still catch, but one of my coaches didn’t believe me.  The other reason it didn’t work out was because I want to throw.  I feel like quarterback is the only offensive position that I can play well. I’ve played inside linebacker for the past few years.  I’m looking forward to next season because I really like linebacker, and I’m excited to try to play quarterback again.  All of my coaches are really supportive and tell me they are always there to help me.

I don’t always know it, but I think I’m in a good place, as far as support goes.  I was thinking about open enrolling back into Clear Lake.  I talked to one of my coaches and our athletic director about it, and they were telling me to do what’s best for me.  I think I’m going to stay at Amery.  There’s no real point in moving back, and I have so many good people here.  This is probably the best place for me.

My baseball coach, Mr. Fisk, came up to me on the one year anniversary of your passing and talked to me.  I think he really likes me; he took me under his wing last football season and gave me a workout program and throwing schedule for over the winter.

Baseball is going alright so far this season, I’m not practicing with the varsity because of my eligibility.  Coach Fisk and I have talked and he has told me his plan for me and it sounds promising.  He told me he wants me to play varsity, but I have to earn it.  He is going to have me play JV games and bring me up from there.  I’m going to pitch varsity this year and I’ll do anything I need to do in order to get to that point.  I want to catch this year too, but I don’t know if I will be able to. I injured my knee during hockey this year.  I feel like I want to play in every game, every single day, but I’m not sure yet where I am best suited to play other than pitcher.  I can play anywhere though, as long as it’s not outfield.

My favorite possession is still my glove, I’ll never forget when we picked it out together.  I remember we were in your back office, and we were looking for a 3rd baseman glove, because that’s what I played in Clear Lake.  We looked through all of your magazines and eventually, on baseball websites on your computer.  We found the perfect one.  It’s a black, Rawlings Gold Glove (11 1/2 inches).  I’ve used it ever since, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop using it.

I’ll never forget your office… walking into the front room, seeing all of your posters and also seeing what people wrote on your whiteboard (mainly notes to talk to them later).  Your back office is where I spent the most time.  I remember walking in, the first thing to see were the pictures of your kids on the filing cabinet.  Next I remember stacks and stacks of magazines in the corner and on your desks.  There were always baseballs in your room.  I was in your room every day that I knew you, and you were always there to help me.

After you died, I got to go back to Clear Lake and look at your room and the small, but very meaningful and impacting memorial that they set up for you.  I wrote something for you and I just sat there for a long time reading what people wrote and just thinking about what had happened in that office.  One of the hardest things I’ve done was going to your visitation.  Seeing you lying there, it was so difficult to see.  I didn’t go to your funeral, I had a baseball game that day.  I thought a lot about what you would’ve wanted me to do, and I figured that you would much rather have me play baseball.  I didn’t get to go to the cemetery until last spring to see your grave.  It’s a really nice headstone.  I stood there for a long time in the rain, thinking about what we could be talking about and how you could fix any of my problems that I was dealing with at any given moment.

I had a rough last semester and I was thinking of you a lot.  I had a really bad time with depression and I made some bad choices.  The depression got ahold of me and affected my grades.  I had to meet with a crisis counselor and make a plan to avoid another situation.  I managed to dig myself out of a hole in most of my classes, but I did end up failing one, so I’m not eligible to play games until April 12th.  I failed Biology. Our teacher, Mr. Enslin, wasn’t a very nice person to begin with, but ended up even worse.  He would get defensive very quickly and got students into trouble, even when nothing wrong was happening.  I was gone one day at the end of the second term and he freaked out at people and assigned more work than was humanly possible for someone who wasn’t already struggling with concentration issues.  He assigned four page packets every day for the last week or so (this was the shortened version of the work).  I couldn’t keep up.  I ended up with an incomplete in the class and turned in other assignments late to turn it into a failing grade.

A lot has changed, but you already know that.  I moved to Amery one year before you died.  We’d get together every once in a while and talk about school and life.  I’m sixteen and I have my license now!  You would love my car, it’s a green 2001 Saturn L200.  I know you would find some way to make it seem even better than it is.  I am in 10th grade right now and I think I know what I want to do with my life.  I want to become a doctor.   I don’t know what kind of doctor, but I did job shadow an oncologist a couple of weeks ago and I really liked it.  I want to go to the University of Minnesota Twin Cities.  I would like to get in on an athletic scholarship for baseball.  I’ve thought a lot about it, and I think it would be the best fit.  I wish you were here to help me with everything that’s going on in my life.  I don’t always feel like I’ve got someone I can open up to, like I could with you.  I still wear my Moen bracelet every day.

Some things haven’t changed though.  I still haven’t seen my dad since we talked last, and I don’t know if or when that will change.  All of the conversations we had about him, whether they were to calm me down, or to reassure me that things will work out, I’m still worried.  I’m worried about what could happen to him, and what could happen to me.  I wish I had you to talk to some days.  I have no idea where he is or how he’s doing.  Some days, it’s hard to remember what he looks like.

I’m writing this letter for a couple of reasons, one of which (the most important one) being that it’s therapeutic.  I don’t know if this was the right way in going about getting this out, we have to share this with people.  I didn’t mention everything I wanted to, just to keep some things between us.  The second reason is that we are starting this thing in English, called a Writers Workshop.  I thought this would be a good way you kill two birds with one stone.  I’ve been meaning to write you a letter for a long time now, but I’ve been really busy trying to keep up in school and be able to play sports with the extra time.  I miss you, and I hope to see you again someday… someday when we can play baseball again together.