There are sometimes when I feel as if life is desolate with no meaning, this is a world of reality and facts… there is no fiction. I, (as everyone does) worry about what people think about me, what people do, and how people act. Yet at the same time I do not seem to worry about what I do, think, or act. I feel as if everything I do, fails. There are pits in the ground disguised carefully with branches and leaves; it is only to late when I plummet down into the dark, dank pit. In the pit there are all sorts of miseries, tears fall down my face leaving a trail behind on my dirt smeared face. I try to climb out but, I cannot… I grab on to anything for help but as soon as I begin to make my way out,… I cannot… It is futile, for I just fall again. I feel as if I have descended into the darkness, and the light is too far gone. I; who was once known as the “Little train that could” is huffing and puffing, but alas I fail to climb the hill… for I am the “Little train that could not”. There are trials that feel too hard to bear, I try to learn the lesson that I’m being taught by these trials, but my mind does not comprehend. Life is exasperating; the claws of futility and sadness rip at my soul and mind, slowly threatening the existence of my sanity. My strength is failing, weakness sets in. The moments that have been following me are getting stronger and stronger; these are the moments I want so desperately to have the ability to just give up close my eyes and sink into the brine of the lost. The light at the end of the tunnel is growing fainter and fainter, it is only a matter of time before it flickers and goes out. Not so very long ago my heart blazed with fire; but with the lack of fuel it has burned down to only a tiny flame that is just waiting to be blown out by a simple puff of wind. People have a habit of having the mindset that it is ok, and even normal for people to simply walk in and walk out of others life. They do not understand the heartbreak that follows the exit of their existence in one’s life. After too may heartbreaks, the heart will eventually twist and burst, pouring out any life that is left in one’s soul. People become mute, they begin to not care about anything anymore, there walls become stronger and higher; built with an impenetrable substance that lacks the ability to crumble, crack, and break. I used to have a thirst for love, a thirst for being sufficient enough for others. A thirst to make others proud, but slowly that thirst only became a memory for it seems as if I can’t and never will succeed in satisfying that thirst. There are times when I get to the point where I just don’t care and my mindset of stupidity rolls in. I begin to do what I want to do; when I want to do it, only to afterwards feel more stupid and guilty about it. I feel insecure about what others think about me that feeling only rises after I do what is expected of me not to do. As I see the look of disgust and disappointment on the faces of people I care about; I feel the pain in my heart as a tear is able to be seen in my eye, and I just want to disappear into a crack in the ground. Once again I am reminded of another failure. I wish that life could take a sudden twist and I could be sent back to the past and I could change my life and make it so much better. I could get my chance to make others happy and at the same time make myself happy for once , but we know even the thought of this is just a silly immature thought. I wish I could live in a world of fiction, people would always be happy. There would be no pain, physical or emotional. There would only be happiness. No one would be a failure, or be scared that one day they would feel the fire from all the sinful, evil deeds they had committed. They would stand up eight times without having to fall the seven. No one would give up, there would be no light at the end of the tunnel, because there would be no tunnel. Life would be amazingly perfect. This sounds a lot like Heaven… maybe it is, but I guess that’s too bad because I really don’t think God would accept me there. I have fallen too many times to be picked back up again. I want more than anything to be able to go back to being the “Little train that could”, and to change everything, and be able to get love and give love, to trust and be trusted. Yet as I have said; the thought feels futile… but the real question is… Is it really as impossible as it all sounds?