The story you are about to hear is nowhere near as romantic as Romeo and Juliet, but it is very close.

Although my eyes were still shut, my mind was awake. Thoughts were spewing in my head about numerous topics. My brain was so wild with thoughts, it could’ve started its own circus and put on quite a good show. All of this noise was inside my head, whereas outside, it was extremely quiet. I was not thinking about my job, car, or friends. I did not have a job, nor did I ever want one. Honestly, I appreciated doing nothing throughout each day. In fact, my high school nickname was The Hermit. I was thinking about something more important. I was thinking about love.

As I got out of bed, I pondered if I would make a good match for a girl. I stumbled around my room half awake, trying to find my slippers and wiping the crusty goo off of my eyes. A chuckle emerged from me as I thought to myself “If you can’t even find your slippers, then you surely can’t find your girl.” My conscience was always loud like that, having been in more conversations with myself than I have with others. I thought about a girl named Kate Upton, and wondered if she would ever find me attractive. All she would have to do was ignore the fact that I haven’t worn cologne for over 4 years. My armpits seemed okay, I thought. They smelled like cheeseburgers, which I thought smelled quite delicious. A bright light illuminated my face, and I glared out my window. It was 6:30 in the morning. The sun always shines through my bedroom as it rises. The sun was beautiful. Maybe it would date me. I thought about how cool it would be if I dated a star.

After my shower was over, my stomach told me that I needed to eat. My appetite was always gigantic, but my kitchen was small and cramped. As I opened the fridge, the light was so bright and intense it seemed like it came from heaven. I searched for some bacon, but found none. I opened my door, and found what seemed like the Holy Grail. There it was, a container of Nutella, an arms length away from me. Two slices of bread stayed in the toaster so long it almost seemed like migration. The flavor of toast and chocolate filled my mouth. As I cleaned my plate, a brilliant thought hit me. I have been looking for a girlfriend for months, when the love of my life has been living in my fridge this whole time. I will begin to date Nutella.

I sat Nutella down in the seat next to me and glared into her imaginary eyes. The first time I tried to ask her out, I stammered excessively. “I....I would really like you to be my - my girlfriend, Nutella.” I said. I waited for a response for quite awhile, and then realized I was being stupid. Nutella was a chocolate spread. She could not talk. I then asked her out with no problem, because I knew she could not reject me.

The following weeks were the happiest weeks of my life. Nutella and I would sit in Central Park and gaze at the soft, white clouds for hours. We would make out, despite the looks pedestrians gave us. We would watch the cooking channel and read food blogs and magazines every Saturday. I would occasionally catch one of her siblings or relatives appearing on a television program as an ingredient. Nutella would watch me as I compared the shapes of the clouds to other things. “Hey, that cloud kind of looks like a….cloud!” I would say. Unfortunately, Nutella would not respond, because she was a chocolate spread. At night we would snuggle on my couch and watch movies together, and each night I’d stick my finger in Nutella and quickly lick the chocolate, pretending to hope she wouldn’t notice. I was getting tired of staring at Nutella’s wrapper, so I ripped it off and drew an attractive face on the jar. I made her very pretty.

I would always flirt at the dinner table with her whenever we went out to eat. “Twelve grams of total fat! That is impressive!” I would say as I carefully folded my napkin in my lap. At that moment, my life flashed before my eyes. I could have a future with this product. I realized that I loved this food item. There was no need to propose to her, so I simply pretended she said yes. We would always play hide and seek together, because it was our favorite game. She would always hide in the pantry.

As I went to get my marriage certificate and license, a lady at the desk stopped me. “Sir, this is a nutritional chocolate spread. It isn’t even real. You are not allowed to marry it.”

“It’s a she,” I said, “and I should be able to marry her. I love her.” With clenched fists, I stood in a firm stance and was very confident in what I believed in.

“Sir, I can’t let this happen. This is simply stupid and weird. It should fall into the same category as beastiality and necrophilia. Is this some kind of joke?” I then gave up hope. Although my insides were boiling due to this lady, I could not continue. This argument was going nowhere, and deep down I understood why.

I then left the building, and walked home. I grabbed Nutella and slowly walked to my trashcan. “So long, my darling. I’ll miss your chocolate kiss. Our relationship was…sweet. Goodbye my love.” It was a long five minutes until I finally had the nerve to toss her into the trash and let go forever. It was time to focus on new relationships such as sour gummy worms, or Jell-O. For me, people will always remain friends, but I will always truly love food.