Woosh. I can feel the whispering wind breathe against my face, the talking of the grass scratches at my legs. I am perched in a mermaid position with demons pacing in my head screaming all the terrible thoughts that’ll ruin oneself. Alone. Stuck, in the middle of this field, lost at what will come next for me. I ponder why I am being faced with all these challenges in life. I always wonder, Why does this happen to me?  I feel so separated from the rest of the world, like gravity is working against me and pulling me away from what I so badly want- peace, an easy chance at life. In the distance I see my future and yearn to reach for it. It’s in the shape of an older cobbed up barnhouse. I want it now. All my burdens take on me, as well as all the challenges life is forcing me to feel in that moment. 

My body trembles as I am stuck unable to move anywhere. My heartbeat picks up and tears start forming in my eyes. How come I want my future now but my past seems to be pulling me backward? I ask myself. The feeling of being stuck takes a toll on all the hard work and accomplishments I as a person have made. They all disappeared, and I was just stuck.
As hours pass, I am still sitting there, time passing, and it feels like a storm had just fed on me like I was prey. My heartbeat slows down and my eyes begin to shut. The morning bright light electrocutes the nerves in my eyes, reminding my body it’s time to wake up. The smell of fresh grass and cows absorbs my nostrils. I am still in the same place as yesterday-outside in a field. 

Even though my body is more calm than the day before, my thoughts are still pacing. After this being my second day here, I couldn’t help but need to escape and figure out why I am here. Why am I here? What have I done? What do I need to do? Please get me out of here! And suddenly, the world went silent, no wind, no animals, no nothing, just me in the grass, all alone. My thoughts relaxed, and one voice was pinned to my focus in my head: It said, “Lauryn, you have taken time for granted. You are wanting to leave your past behind, when in reality, it’s just the thing you need.” 

Suddenly, my eyes were opened, and not just physically but internally. I have been so blinded this whole time that I was stuck and yearning to get home, when I was reaching for a future that would be “painless” because I wasn't bringing my past along. My future is nothing without my past. If I have nothing to reflect on and learn from, my future will be the mirror image of my past. 

My past is saving me right now and holding me back from making a big mistake. Without my past I have no future, and without moving on from my past I have no future, but I can’t just leave it behind, because with wanting to leave my past behind me, I’ll just be a girl, lying in the grass. 

Lauryn W.