The birds are more chatty than usual. The rainbow reflects all over my room. What was once a depressed room is now overpowered with light and glee. My heartbeat increased when I heard a noise on my computer. I saw a message come in. I saw who it was; the butterfly population grew rapidly, and I felt weird feelings. The shadows begin to slowly retreat from my face, and my face instantly brightens. But my brain, on the other hand, was questioning everything. It was like Mini Sponge Bobs were running and throwing the papers all over, screaming loudly, setting things on fire. I couldn't process anything. Until I came to the realization... I wanted to discard it. I told myself,” This can't be; maybe it's something else.” I thought. "But how is this possible?" I beg that I will never feel this way again. All the signs are present. Then I question it myself.

Am I falling in love?

It was in middle school; I was a little tween, and my life was different. After all, I had to move schools because my old school, PS/MS 200, couldn't renew my school bus. so I have to go to another school. This is where I met the person I fell in love with. Middle school was so hard for me because I didn't know anybody from the school. In my culture, we don't believe in love, especially my parents, but I have always had hope of romance. Growing up, I always aspired for something better than what I observed in my parents' relationship, especially while being raised in a traditional Spanish household, especially a Paraguayan house and a strict, closed environment. Determining what truly constitutes a healthy relationship was a challenging task. I always believe in the first love in sight. I always believe in soulmates. I believe that people can change your life for the better or the worse, and I believe that love is real. I was a shy person. Our middle school had two different schools, but it was a different middle school. I saw him for the first time in this after-school program when I first observed that Derek had silky blue-dyed hair and a permanent sparkle in his brown eyes. I have no idea why I had a crush on him, but I think I felt my soul connected with him even though I never talked to him at that time. Autumn leaves had just started to turn, and the classroom's large windows painted a mosaic of golden hues across their desks. I was just daydreaming while doing homework and trying to come up with a plan to talk to him, even though I was really shy. In the crowded hallway, my heart raced as I desperately wanted to speak to Derek, but my shyness held me captive in a silent world. As the school year unfolded, I watched the seasons change from vibrant spring blossoms to the scorching heat of summer, then to the golden hues of autumn, and finally, the snow-covered landscapes of winter, all while yearning to speak to Derek. On the second-to-last day of school, with the scent of blooming flowers in the air, I summon my courage, and with a nervous smile, I finally approached Derek, breaking the silence that had enveloped them throughout the entire year. “Hey Derek I know I hope you have a good summer. I don't know if I can see you at the summer camp due to my going to summer school, but I hope to see you. But I wanted to ask you something if you want, but do you want to hang out this summer in the park?” I said. “Yes,” Derek said.

During the summer, I found myself caught between the confines of summer school and the allure of summer camp, yet my desire to connect with Derek remained unspoken due to our mutual shyness. The frustrating irony was that I couldn't even hang out with him because my strict parents had forbidden me from having a phone, leaving me without the means to bridge the gap between us. So, I silently watched the sunny days pass by, hoping for a chance to break free from my shell. One day I saw him walking the same way. I went to get home, but he was in front. When both stopped for the chance to walk, I saw my chance, so I talked to him. "I hope you have a good summer; to be honest with Derek, I will miss you," I said. Derek said, “I hope you have a good summer too, not to be weird.” In a moment, I felt my heart control my body, vulnerability, and courage. I finally wrapped my arms around Derek, feeling his warmth and sincerity as he pulled me closer, hugging me back with an embrace that spoke volumes, melting away our shyness and uncertainty, leaving only the pure and comforting connection between us. We talked for a little bit, and he hugged me and said, I promise to visit you when school starts. My heart was very happy when I heard him, but I didn't think much of it. I gave him my email so we could keep in touch. I received his message on August 16, 2018, at 4:08 p.m. Ever since then, we have talked. Even though I had feelings, I wanted to get to know Derek more, so we became friends first. Throughout the entire summer, Derek and I exchanged text messages that felt like a lifeline, bridging the physical distance between us and deepening our bond as we shared our thoughts, dreams, and even our day-to-day adventures. Those texts were the secret threads that made our connection stronger with each passing day. As each day came through, I felt myself falling in love deeper and deeper.

I couldn't help but realize that whether he was my boyfriend, just an acquaintance, or a close friend, my love for him remained unwavering and constant.

Skipping ahead to the beginning of the school year, I enrolled in an afterschool program, and to my surprise, he kept his promise to visit me there. When he first showed up, my shyness got the best of me, and I ran away.

However, the second time he came to see me, I mustered the courage to talk to him, and we walked together until we reached Golden Street, where our customary goodbye hug sealed our connection. Sometimes, we weren't alone, often walking with my friend, but on a memorable day in October 2018, as my friend watched, we shared a heartfelt farewell hug on separate streets, leaving us both with warm smiles.

My friends couldn't help but let out an affectionate "awww" as they observed our parting hug. As Derek and I got more comfortable, he walked to my home. On a chilly October day, as we strolled together, he suddenly remarked, "The strangest thing is, my hands are frozen. Would you like to feel them?" Tentatively, I agreed, and with the tightest grip, I held his cold hands within my own. A shy and nervous warmth washed over me in that fleeting moment. Every day, after returning home, I faithfully chronicled the moments shared with Derek in my cherished diary. On November 1, 2018, the day unfolded like a magical tapestry. The sun dipped below the horizon, casting the world in a velvety darkness as I emerged from afterschool. As always, Derek was there, his presence a comforting ritual. Yet, on this particular day, an intense cold hung in the air, causing us to seek refuge beneath a towering tree near our home. Our embrace was a vice of warmth against the biting chill, and in that moment, an unspoken longing seemed to spark between us. Breaking the silence, Derek revisited a conversation that had lingered in our thoughts, asking if I wanted to share a kiss. My response was a soft "sure," and as our lips met, it felt as if the world had stilled. The kiss was more than a physical connection; it resonated deep within, forging a bond that transcended the cold night air. A warmth, both literal and metaphorical, flowed through my body, leaving me with a sense of reward and an undeniable connection on a soul-deep level. It was my first kiss, and I am happy it was with Derek. On the evening of 11/8/18, enveloped in Derek's warm embrace, he posed a question that hung in the air like a sweet, delicate melody. "I miss you," he whispered, his words a gentle caress against my ear. With a smile, I replied, "I miss you too." Then he ventured deeper into the depths of our emotions, asking how much I cared for him. "I care about you a lot," I admitted, and his response, "I care for you a lot," only intensified our hug, like a promise carved into the fabric of the universe. He confessed his desire for our connection to flourish, and I reassured him, my heart brimming with anticipation.

Then, on the frosty night of 11/9/18, we held each other tighter than ever before, the cold air biting at our cheeks.

 Derek gently asked, "Can I ask you a question?"

You: With a nod, I welcomed his inquiry.

Derek: "Do you want to be my girlfriend? It's okay if you don't feel the same way," he confessed, his vulnerability echoing in the crisp night air.

You: My response was a resounding "yes," and I mirrored his sentiment, asking, "Do you want to be my boyfriend? It's okay if you don't feel the same way."

Derek: Though we had often exchanged "I like you" in the past, this moment felt profoundly different. In the soft glow of the night, Derek whispered, "I love you," for the first time.

You: Uncertain, I hesitated. I said, "Okay," but both I and I understood, and from that day forward, "I love you" became our anthem, a silent promise that we meant more to each other than mere words could express.

Amidst the days filled with laughter and happiness, the story continues…

I basked in the bliss of our budding relationship, feeling as though the world was on our side. However, as November's last week unfurled its chilly embrace, Derek and I found ourselves seated, discussing the intricate tapestry of our past relationships and the pain they had wrought. In the quiet intensity of the moment, we shared our aspirations for a genuine, authentic connection.

The air was electric with anticipation as we leaned in for a kiss, a magical promise of our commitment. Yet the evening took a sharp turn, and a shiver of foreboding crept up my spine when I noticed my dad approaching. My heart plummeted as he appeared—a storm cloud in human form. I yearned to scream, to run, but instead, I watched helplessly as he confronted Derek, his anger palpable.

Unbeknownst to my parents, our relationship had been a well-guarded secret, hidden from their watchful eyes. My dad's reaction had been swift and merciless. He whisked me away after school, effectively severing my connection with Derek. Although Derek and I have exchanged emails, texting became impossible as my dad meticulously monitored my messages.

A kind-hearted friend from our afterschool program delivered a heartfelt letter that I had written for Derek, explaining the incident and apologizing for my dad's behavior. I assured him of my safety, though I couldn't see him anymore. My love for him remained unwavering and etched in my heart.

I entrusted the letter to my friend, who then delivered it to him. After school, at dismissal, he anxiously searched for me. When my friend handed him the letter, he didn't realize it was from me; he assumed it was my friend who had written it, not me. Later, she told him what had happened and how he felt about it.

During one dismissal, my friend handed it to him, but he didn't realize it was from me; he assumed it was my friend who had written it, not me. Later, she told him what had happened and how he felt about it. Anger coursed through him as he walked away because Derek thought I was avoiding him, even though the real reason was that my dad prohibited me from going after school, but his friend intervened, retrieving the letter and reading it aloud. Derek's eyes welled with emotion as he finally comprehended the depth of my feelings and commitment to him. It was silent between us.

So I had a great idea to get his social media and make a social media account so that I could talk to him while he was in school. On my friend's phone with their permission. In one conversation, I asked him if he still liked me. He said, Of course, I still have feelings and will never stop having feelings for you. He said, "I want to be together.” So every Friday and Wednesday, when we get a chance, we talk. On 2/7/19, we texted, and he said, I love you more than I can say. We talked a lot more because that was our only way of communicating when we could. 1/19/19: He said happy birthday to me. On 5/19/19, I said happy birthday to him. We were so happy together. I found a song, and I sent it on Friday. It was a love song. He sent me a camera roll of this video with music, and then he said, I think I'm supposed to be with you. Everything was going so well so far.

But on 6/11/19, I was happy, but I had a terrible feeling in my gut. I thought it was cramped, but it wasn't. I felt like something was killing me. I texted Derek, and as always, I was happy to text him. Then he said, "Can I tell you something?" I said sure; my gut feeling grew and, at the same time, died. Then my friend was next to me and said to me jokingly, "Imagine he wants to break up." I kind of laughed because I didn't understand, plus everything was good between me and him, and I didn't see anything from the text that led to that. He finally sent his text, and my world was shattered, but his text—I couldn't believe it. I was struggling to understand. He said, "I think we should be friends because I am doing things that I don't want you to be affected by". When I read, a lot of things went through my mind. The only response was, Are you cheating on me? I asked him that question two times, and he said no, I am not. He appeared quite puzzled and, with a question mark in his text, replied, 'No, I'm not cheating; I'm just dealing with some personal issues.

But on a deeper level, I had a feeling it was not cheating. But if I am being honest, I would have understood if he was cheating because once a person said to me that guys need to see their girlfriend to feel a genuine connection, it's hard to have feelings when you can't see that person in general. Then he texted me, "I want to be friends, and I need you as a friend." Then I just texted that I would be your friend. That night, I cried silently and didn't know what was going on. Then I talked to the school counselor about this. I said that I wanted to check in with Derek to see how he was doing. The guidance counselor said no because Derek might think you are desperate and that he might just use you if things don't work with someone else. So I listen to the guidance counselors because they are adults. So I did not make contact with Derek.

I had a feeling that I should contact him and check with him on how he was feeling, but I stopped myself. I thought it was a good idea. I wrote him a letter that I still have. I never gave him the letter, saying that I was sorry for what I said to him, that I was here for him if he ever needed to, etc., and that I still loved him. I wanted to check in, but my school did not let any students have access to Google Hangout. We had nine months of no talking from July 11 to March 16, 2020. No contact gave me perspective, but it did.

One morning, my school gave me an unlocked Google Hangout at 10:51 a.m. I decided to talk to him. I said, Hey, I am sorry for what I said to you before in June 2019. He said,” I still don't remember” I said, "Oh, ok, I still remember, but do you still want to be my friend if you want to” He said “Yeah”. We are talking. It was weird at first, but it felt nice to talk to him. Of course, I tried to move on, but something about Derek was so special that I couldn't bring myself to move on. I love him with all my heart. We talked to each other and had a lot of deep conversations. The conversations were natural. I got to know Derek and who he is. There were things, Derek, that I never thought he would open up to me. We always keep each other company while doing things. We were good friends who would help each other no matter what. Until one fateful day, August 2, 2021.

You: I said, "Yup, I am glad to hear that it was decent; it just should be like that. It was okay; I did a lot of work and got to know some of my classmates, and that's it. So, how was your last week?"

Derek: He said, "Yup, and it does be like that, and that's nice. It is like that, and that's nice to hear. It was meh. A lot of deciding and contemplating about certain things requires deep thinking and no sleep. What about you?"

You: I said, "I hope you feel better. Can I ask what deciding and deep thinking are? If it's not personal and only if you feel comfortable, It was also meh, deep thinking."

Derek: He said, "Thank you, but it's fine. I've been deciding on showing something, but I have mixed feelings about it. Just mainly think about life, and it's like that. Are you okay? I hope you feel better."

Fast forward to the conversation.

Derek: He said, "Thank you, but trust me, it's fine. I feel the same way about you. I've done pros and cons before, but it changes every day, and it is like that. I'm going to care regardless. It is like that. Can I ask you something out of curiosity?"

You: I said, "You're welcome, okay. Thank you; it does. You will? I feel the same way, and I will always care about you. It does."

Derek: He said, "You're welcome, and I always will. Thank you, and um, would I be able to share a Google Doc with you?"

You: I said, "Thank you, and you're welcome. Sure, you can."

Derek: He said, "You're welcome, and bear warning; I don't know how you would feel about it, and you could delete it if you want."

I was so confused, but I saw what he sent me. I opened my email, and I read it. I couldn't believe my eyes. To be honest, I thought I was imagining. So I opened the Google Doc, and I had to reread it three times. He wrote me a love letter to summarize In his heartfelt letter to me, Derek paints a vivid picture of his emotions. He confesses his love unexpectedly yet passionately, describing how being in my presence felt like a serendipitous, destined event. Derek carries the weight of past regrets, particularly the memory of being caught by my father, a moment that still haunts him. He also alludes to a mysterious incident around June 11th, where he behaved in a way he's not proud of, blaming it on a dark period in his life. Derek contrasts his regrettable past actions with the profound love and appreciation he holds for me. He imagines what he should have said back then, emphasizing how she makes him happy and fulfills his deepest desires for a lifelong commitment together. Despite the longing to share these feelings face-to-face, Derek acknowledges the impracticality of the current situation.

His letter concludes with a promise of unwavering support for me regardless of her responses to the two questions he wishes to ask, underscoring the enduring strength of his love and care for me. Upon receiving this message, a wave of joy washes over the recipient like a burst of sunshine on a cloudy day. Their cheeks flush with a warm, rosy hue, akin to the first blush of dawn spreading across the sky. Love blooms in their hearts like an ever-blooming rose, its petals unfurling in a breathtaking display of affection. The desire to spend a lifetime together is a vivid dream painted on the canvas of their soul, like a masterpiece in the making.

As for the past encounter with my father, there's a compassionate understanding that settles like a gentle rain, providing solace after a storm. Mine acknowledges her father's turbulent nature, casting a shadow over their previous interaction. Her apologies resonate like a soft melody, a serenade of remorse for not speaking out when needed, her words reminiscent of a silent forest in the twilight.

Amidst the complex tapestry of emotions, Derek's sudden question emerges like a shooting star streaking across a moonlit night, a moment of brilliance amidst the darkness. My response is like a fragile, delicate flower swaying in the breeze, teetering on the edge of love and the world's pressures. The decision hangs in the air, like a delicate bud waiting for the perfect time to unfurl its petals—a decision as tender and uncertain as a whisper in the wind. I was happy to be his girlfriend. Him being my boyfriend Derek's eagerness to visit me at school was a clandestine adventure, shrouded in secrecy to avoid the watchful eyes of my strict parents. On my first day of 10th grade, the mere sight of him transformed me into a whirlwind of emotions. I dashed toward him, locking him in a hug so tight it felt as if our souls had melded. It was a moment charged with an unspoken intensity, the kind that makes one want to weep tears of joy.

Our days together were a gallery of beautiful moments. We often found solace in each other's arms, our embraces exuding warmth and tenderness. In those quiet moments when we faced each other, the world around us seemed to disappear, leaving only the connection we shared.

One day, Derek broke the silence about a year's worth of unspoken memories, unveiling his innermost thoughts to me. I was astonished by his vulnerability as he confessed, "You are the first person I've ever felt comfortable opening up to." He revealed that he had confided in his friends about our connection, attributing to me the power to pull him from a deep, shadowy abyss. He credited me with being the beacon of hope that ignited his determination to fight on.

From that moment forward, Derek and I remained a constant in each other's lives, with his visits after school becoming a cherished ritual. He was my unwavering companion, a pillar of strength through life's trials. Derek's presence had the power to conjure smiles even in my darkest hours, and his boundless patience and love were a constant source of solace.

My love for him was a force stronger than any I had ever known. I yearned for a future where Derek and I would share our lives, for he was the radiant light that pierced through my darkest nights. Though I often questioned why he chose me when others were an option, I found solace in the profound trust and understanding that bound us.

Despite our youth, our love felt as unyielding as the mountains, rooted in a promise to be there for each other no matter the challenges we faced. We navigated life's complexities with grace and unwavering support, engaging in deep conversations that surpassed our years, with consent and gentle, healthy communication as our guiding stars. In both our darkest hours and the constraints of strict parents, we remained one another's steadfast companions, best friends, and the keepers of each other's hearts.

(p.s. The person's name is not Derek, but it is for privacy reasons; he wanted to be private; I just wanted to put it out there.)

As deep and persistent as the roots of a century-old oak tree, Derek and I are connected. Like a wonderful wine that becomes better with age, our relationship gets stronger with each year that goes by. A custom begins to take shape on our birthdays, growing like an elaborately woven tapestry of love. Each of our greetings carries the weight of numerous shared experiences and beloved memories, resonating like a lovely, mellow song.

The giving and receiving of presents has its ceremony. Carefully selected gifts serve as mirrors that reflect our deep awareness of one another. We seem to be performing a complex dance while exchanging tokens that represent the depth of our bond. These gifts aren't just things; they're also doors to our common experiences and aspirations.

On February 23, 2022, Derek and I embarked on our inaugural date at the lively arcade. Amidst the dazzling lights, whimsical sounds, and the whirlwind of games, our rendezvous felt like a journey into a world of enchantment. In this realm, we reveled in the exhilarating freedom to shed our school personas and just be ourselves.

To safeguard our secret escapade from parental inquiry, my older sister was our initial escort. However, she soon left us to navigate the arcade's neon-lit wonderland, leaving me alone with Derek. It was then that the magic truly began, as we discovered the joy of each other's company.

Deep within, I yearned for my parents to recognize the genuine kindness that emanated from Derek, a warm and comforting presence in a sometimes cold and uncertain world.

My mother's persistent belief that men have only one thing on their minds, often centering on physical intimacy, used to weigh heavily on me, and regrettably, it still lingers at times. Yet, Derek's unwavering openness and constant communication have served as a guiding light, leading me toward a fresh perspective.

He remains a steadfast beacon, lighting the way for my personal growth and revealing that in this world, even amidst its trials and tribulations, kindness and goodness can be found.

As autumn approaches and the world transforms into a canvas of amber and gold, the air carries with it the unmistakable fragrance of fall. The fresh, chilly wind brings back thoughts of Derek and the times we had together when we would laugh and make priceless memories. It's as if he's there with me, his presence lingering in the rustling leaves and the earthy scent of the season.

I left school one scorching afternoon when the heat from school stuck to my skin. My hair was torn out of place, and my garments were ruffled by the wind's untamed might. On that scorching hot afternoon, as the relentless sun bore down upon me, the wind played its wild symphony through the streets. It was then, amidst the heat and tumult, that I closed my eyes for a fleeting moment, and like a conjured spirit, Derek's presence enveloped me. His aroma, a blend of warm comfort and the sweet embrace of nostalgia, wrapped around me like a comforting shroud, making it feel as if he had materialized by my side, his essence a tangible presence in the scorching gusts of wind. Like a timeless painting, our relationship deepens with each passing brushstroke of time. Derek is more than simply a lover. He's a permanent fixture in my heart, a companion through the ever-changing seasons of life.