Goodbye,

Things aren’t what they used to be like and at this point I do not think they will ever go back to normal. Life is full of games. Life is about gambling. But sometimes you cannot gamble thinking nothing will happen. You cannot always play games thinking nothing will go wrong. In this case I gambled too much. I let you get in the way too much. I will not let you take over like you did. If I could take everything back, I would without a doubt.  Don’t take it the wrong way. It was still fun while it lasted. I enjoyed the feelings of how it felt. I enjoyed every moment with her. I miss the way my stomach would dance when I saw her walking to her class. The way I would heat up when she would look at me. The way that I would always daydream with just seeing her smile. Even just the simplest handshake would give me the most wholesome chills.  She was my safe place. She was like my home. Until things got complicated, and I let you get in the way. I no longer know what I am doing. Instead of listening to you I should’ve just listened to my heart instead. It has been a long time since we last spoke. I denied you for so long. I just wanted to tell you that it is time to say goodbye. I don’t enjoy it like I once did. It is affecting me a lot. I cannot hide it. It is not as simple as what people make it seem. I have become super spacey, and everywhere that I go people ask if I am ok. They tell me that I look sad, that my face is swollen. They are basically telling me that it looks like I am dying on the inside. Which honestly, I am. I indeed am not doing ok nor am I fine.

I don’t know if I can continue to trust you, but it is ok because it won’t end the same anymore. I am done with you. I am tired of you. You hurt both her and I. You made me act in ways that I shouldn’t have. when I saw her crying, when I saw her broken down. That is when I understood that you were controlling me from what my heart was trying to show me. I still feel like I lost everything. It was too much of a burden to handle.

I miss what I had. I really do. You helped me feel feelings that are unexplainable. You made me feel things that not even words can explain how out of this world the sensations were. After what happened I will no longer be the same as I used to. You fooled me once and that should have been the first and last time. I do not know why it took me so long to realize that I should have stopped accepting you and your lies. That moment ruined me. This is why I’m letting you go. You won’t be able to continue doing this to me. I am not mentally stable to continue to let you be alive. At this point my last option is to kill you, to leave you in abandonment. Without me you are nothing and that is what you will now be. Now there is nothing in my way to stop me. There is no one that can make me revive you.

Like I said, it was nice while it lasted. You were by my side from the very beginning. You were with me when excitement hit me, when realizing that I was biking with no training wheels. You helped me realize that fireworks aren’t truly as scary and eventually you allowed me to just enjoy them. Can’t forget when you let me get over my friends’ death. Yeah, that hurt me so much, but losing my first true lover still hurt the most. And knowing that it was because of your fault made things worse. I thought that I could trust you. I thought that you would lead me the correct way. You were with me since day one and even then, I still got stabbed in the back. This is the reason why I stopped having emotions, this is why I forgot about you . Many things went the wrong way because I let myself get too sentimental. I let myself become too sensitive. I am done with that. Now I see that the only way to stop myself from getting hurt is by letting go of you. Through having no emotions, I stopped having excitement. I stop letting myself get too self-absorbed in the situation. Everything becomes easier. Life becomes easier. The less expectations there are the less disappointed I am.

 Is it wrong to stop having emotions and instead become numb? Yeah, but I prefer that over having a heart break. Nothing hurt more than losing her. I will not stay mad at you forever. At a point I will let you come back into my life and allow myself to have feelings again. But for the moment that is the thing that I don’t need. Thank you for giving me the experience of having thrills in my life. Thank you for letting me have someone to talk to.

It's not a "goodbye", it's more of a see you later. As much as I try to ignore you, whether I like it or not you will always be a part of me. But now I understand that I can't let my feelings get in the way of everything. I don't know if this is for the best, but I will learn as time goes on, but for now my emotions are on hold.

Until next time.